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~|>>Chronicles Of Zen<<|*

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Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 4
"He had also made more jewelry and Zen now has 800 gold coins."
Has = present tense. Generally, try to stay in one tense. So: "He had also made more jewelry, and Zen now HAD 800 gold coins."
"There were bones everywhere.Most of the adventurers here,however,were wearing items similar to
Zen's armour such as Bronze,Iron and Black.Zen felt proud that he was the only one in the Courtyard who could wear Mithril Armour."
So Zen's armor is similar but unique? A bit confusing. Try: "Most of the adventurers here, however, were wearing items similar to Zen's armor, except made of bronze, iron and black metals. Zen felt proud that he was the only one in the Courtyard who could wear Mithril Armor."
Vanished = vanished
Chapter 5
"The figure had just killed his latest target. He cleaned his dragon daggers with a cloth from his victim's house.He was wearing a mask shaped like the head of a demon.This mask was given a few years back in Halloween.The mask was of a red colour. "
An assassin? :o The last sentence is rather unnecessary. Instead of using an entire sentence to tell us the mask is red, just insert the adjective "red" into an earlier sentence that describes the mask. Like "He was wearing a red mask shaped like a demon's head."
It's fine to write everything down as it comes, but try to get in the habit of going back at the end of a chapter (even for a little bit) to cut out unnecessary words/sentences.
You don't have to tell us he's an assassin. Show, don't tell. Let the reader realize he's an assassin. He (or she) should be smart enough to do that.
Dannie!!! Didn't see that coming…
"The town was quite small and quite desert." You must mean "quite deserted"
Mod Kings. Nice. XD
Chapter 6
Careful with your spelling…there are little mistakes sprinkled throughout the chapters.

19-May-2011 01:43:39

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wait, he went up 10 defense levels, managed to get his hands on addy armor, leveled his cooking to 45, and leveled up his fishing while waiting for Dannie? Seems a bit unrealistic that he managed to do ALL of those things. I could believe that he leveled 10 times and bought addy armor maybe…
*le gasp* Zen is hurt!
"Zen tried to move but he received a sharp pain at his knee.He couldn't move.The Assassin sheathed out a large Dragon Two Handed Sword."
Received pain sounds a bit strange. How about felt pain? Or felt a pang of pain? Zen tried to move, but his knee buckled with pain? Zen tried to move, but the pain in his knee immobilized him?
No such thing as sheathing out, I'm afraid.
Taking out a sword: Drawing a sword, withdrawing a sword, unsheathing a sword
Putting back a sword: Sheathing, replacing, slipped into the sheath
"Gah,foiled again!" Lol.
["Of course,we three are dedicated against fighting evil forces and societies."] Evil forces IN societies perhaps?

["Dannie?Evil?But then who ordered the Assassin to kill me?"asked Zen.]
^I'm surprised he didn't make the connection on his own. So I think it would be more logical it if this had been said:
"Dannie? Evil? Was she the one who ordered the assassin to kill me?" asked Zen.
"Yes, Dannie had ordered the assassin, Nate…" So on and so forth.

One thing bothers me though. How did Hexa, Vailor and Elisa know about Dannie's plot to train Zen as one of the Dagon'Hai? Also, after being tricked by Danie, wouldn't Zen be suspicious of these three people who want to help him for no reason in particular? I don't know if you answer these questions later on, but keep them in mind if you hadn't planned on answering them before.
Hope this was helpful (more than annoying). I'll read the remaining chapters ASAP. ^_^

19-May-2011 01:44:50

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nate then reached a large room made out of shiny,grey stone.There were Steel Battleaxes lying on the ground.Just as Nate walked past them,the Axes came to life and began to hit Nate.Nate parried,ducked and avoided the attacks and ran through the room until he reached another corridor.
Nate checked his bag to see if he carried a dusty key.He felt the key deep in his bag.The key was very vital and was needed to go deep inside the Taverley Dungeon.As Nate ran through the corridor,he ran past gigantic scoripions.The corridor also contained small pools of lava.
Just then,Nate heard a small yell.He noticed many dwarves in steel armour with red eyes charging at him with Steel Warhammers.Nate quickly stabbed few dwarves and ran past.These dwarves were Chaos Dwarves who were corrupted by an evil Dwarven mining company.
Nate finally reached a room with Lesser Demons.These Demons were roaring about and stomping around.One noticed Nate and attempted to attack him with its claws.Nate avoided the attack and sliced the Demon's fist.It roared in pain as blood poured from the hole where it's fist should be.
While the Demon was roaring its head off,Nate ran past it and reached a steel gate.He took out his key and unlocked the gate.
He entered a huge cavern.There were many corpses and bones littered around the floor.Just then,Nate heard a roar from deep within the cave,as one of the Blue Dragons of Taverley came to Nate's sight.

19-May-2011 06:55:40

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The dragon was wide with a shimmering blue body.It had shiny white claws and pointed teeth.It's eyes were yellow and it had two horns protruding from the back of it's head.It's wings were large and spikey.The dragon's tail was as lengthy as a Whip from the Abyss and the dragon had spikes protruding from it's tail and back.
It roared again and spat a jet of flames at Nate.Nate blocked the flames with his shield and charged towards the dragon.The dragon attempted to slash Nate with it's claws but Nate parried the attack with his shield.He sliced at the dragon's neck,causing it to roar.However,Nate's sword got stuck in the dragon's hard scales.
As Nate attempted to pull his longsword from the dragon's body,the dragon crunched Nate's shoulder.Nate fell on the floor,his shoulder dripping with blood.The dragon attempted to bite Nate again but he quickly rolled away.He noticed that his damage on the dragon's neck had made a small picee of the dragon's scale fall onto the ground.
The dragon spat another blast of fire which Nate ducked.However,the flames slightly singed his hair.Nate ran towards the dragon and dived underneath it's belly.The dragon attempted to stomp Nate but couldn't.Nate sliced the belly of the dragon causing blood to pour out.
The dragon was about to collapse when Nate rolled out and grabbed the fallen scale.He then threw an orb on the ground and teleported to Taverley with his misson complete.

19-May-2011 19:25:00 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2011 17:25:00 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Well done Nate!"exclaimed Sanfew."I have just made the potion.Here it is.Drink it all in one gulp!"
Sanfew handed Nate a strange,green liquid in a vial.Without thinking,Nate quickly gulped the entire liquid in one go.Just then,he began to get thin.He kept getting thin until he just vanished.Before vanishing,Nate thought he heard someone say goodbye.
Nate then appeared in front of the Wizard's Tower and was sprawling on the ground.He got up and looked around.The place was a mess.Just then,Nate saw a person on the ground.He ran up to him and saw that he was Zen.He looked around and saw a terrifying sight.Few Wizards were killing a large demon.Just then, one of the Wizards summoned a gigantic chunck of rock and hit the demon's face with it.
The demon;s head turned to dust as it's body fell onto the ground.The body began to crack and eventually it turned to dust as well.The Wizards then collected the dust and went inside the Tower.
Nate looked at Zen."Perhaps he can help me on my mission to defeat Dannie."Nate picked up Zen and teleported to Ardougne.Nate carried Zen to a small shack near a marketplace.He then teleported to Taverley and asked a druid to write down what happened in Taverley.

23-May-2011 10:51:29 - Last edited on 25-May-2011 15:21:35 by Anenemus

Kristia

Kristia

Posts: 1,638 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Heh... cool story bro!
Nice work enem, didn't realise you were a good writer.
Anyway, here's my bio:
Name: Siglim
Age: 18
Armour: Guthix robes or torag platebody and legs, helm of neitiznot, abbysal whip/void mace, chaos shield/void deflector
Follower Of God: Guthix (ftw)
Physical description: Slightly muscular, small scraggy beard and odd spiky hair (i.e. hair on forum avatar ^_^ ), highly experienced in melee and magic combat. He is also a master thief, maybe you could tie this in with Nate for a team caper?
Attitude: A little full of himself, but a good guy at heart and determined to keep the balance and cannot abide pointless conflict.

24-May-2011 18:39:38 - Last edited on 24-May-2011 19:28:46 by Kristia

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