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Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 10: Nate Enlightened
Nate and Dannie were in a dark room inside the Tunnel Of Chaos.The Tunnel was found in a small opening of a statue of Saradomin found on the outskirts of Eastern Varrock, slightly north of the Workmen's entrance of the Digsite.
"Now Nate, you have served me well.I can offer you a few rewards.A weapon,power,money or a higher ranking in the Dagon'hai.What would you prefer?"asked Dannie as she was sitting on a black throne.She was wearing the Dagon'hai robes;black robes with a red trim and yellow symbols.
"Lady Dannie,I would like a weapon."
"So be it."said Dannie as she raised her hands and conjoured a brown sword.
"A Bronze Longsword?What is the meaning of this Dannie?"roared Nate in anger.
"Silence!I shall not be spoken to like that.You asked for a weapon.Here it is.Take it or begone!"said Dannie in a high but cold voice.
Nate did not want to lose his dignity and replied,"So be it,Dannie!I hope you and your worthless order perish!"
Dannie stood up with anger.She took out her Zamorak Staff and teleported Nate to Taverley.

13-May-2011 17:38:08 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 09:47:41 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nate teleported into a body of water which was just a bit west of Tavereley.He swam for a few minutes before reaching land.Then he headed north and reached the town of Taverley.
Taverley was a serene place populated with Druids.The houses were simple,there were a lot of trees and flowerbeds,a small lake and a snow-capped mountain to the north-west.Nate was feeling unnaturally tired.He walked to a small house before collapsing on the cool,green grass of Taverley.
When Nate woke up,he was lying in a warm bed.There was a small table nearby and there was a cup of tea.The room in which Nate was in had a small table and a chair.An elderly druid entered with a green cape with a golden trim.The cape had a picture of a herb.
"Greetings,Adventurer.I am Sanfew,chief potion-maker of Taverley.I found you right outside my house.What brings you here?"asked the Druid.
Then, Nate began to tell all about him.Nate was born in East Ardougne but his parents left him and he was forced to protect himself.He was a master thief and a master assassin.He was briefly adopted by a retired assassin who was also his mentor.He later on left his mentor and began to have adventures.He then talked about Dannie and what she made him do.Nate finally concluded by speaking about the recent incident in the Tunnel Of Chaos.
"I see.So what are your plans now?"asked Sanfew.
"Nothing much.I will travel more, but I wish to travel to the Wizard's Tower.Also,that is a nice Herblore Skillcape."said Nate.He was hopping that the druids ask him for assistance so that Nate can ask them later on to be teleported to the Wizard's Tower.
"Hrm?The Wizard's Tower?Thats quite far.We druids can help you but since we are followers of balance,we also require your help."spoked Sanfew."I need you to get me the scale of a Blue Dragon.These dragons lurk deep inside the dungeon of Taverely.I shall give you the equippment required."

13-May-2011 18:21:30

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*You are about to read the next part of the story when you notice a small note written*
-SIDE NOTE-
On a side note, I changed the title of Chapter 9 from "Dannie's Secret" to "Nate Enlightened".The title of Chapter 10 will be called Dannie's Secret.I also tweaked the ending of the prologue of Chapter 9 at the end.It has been made more interesting(according to me at least :P ).
Thanks
EnemTheJudge
-SIDE NOTE ENDS-

13-May-2011 18:24:00 - Last edited on 13-May-2011 18:30:58 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Half an hour later,Nate was heading towards the Dungeon Of Taverley.The Druids had given Nate a full set of Runite Armour, a Dragon Longsword and an Anti-Dragonfire Shield.Nate reached a small hole with a ladder and climbed down.He entered a section of a huge network of tunnels.The first section in which Nate was contained numerous skeletons.As Nate plunged to the floor of the Dungeon,the skeletons noticed him and began to advance on him.
The skeletons were humanoid but did not have any skin as their name suggests.Some of them wore Steel Medium Helms and all the Skeletons were equipped with a weapon.Most wielded Steel Battleaxes and Steel Maces but some wielded Steel Longswords.
Nate took out a smoke rune and threw it on the ground,creating a smokescreen.This distraction helped Nate to run past the skeletons as they bumped into each other trying to move away from the smoke.
Nate escaped the skeletons and ran through the cavern.He then reached a gate leading to a chamber with two armour stands in front of it.As Nate touched the gate,the two armour stands came to life and attacked Nate.Nate quickly avoided the armour's attacks and smashed them with the hilt of his Longsword causing them to stagger.
Nate quickly opened the gate and ran through the chamber.He noticed a cauldron filled with a strange,silver liquid.He ignored it and ran past.He then entered a cavern full of Giant Bats.Those annoying flapping creatures attempted to drink Nate's blood but kept smashing themselves into his strong armour.He killed a few bats coming in his way and made his way to the next room.
Nate ran through a long corridor of ghosts who attempted to converse with him but couldn't.The constant "Woo-Woo's" kept annoying Nate.

13-May-2011 18:34:13 - Last edited on 18-May-2011 15:16:49 by Anenemus

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 1
First off, put at least one space after punctuation marks (like a . or a , and quotes as well). The interaction between Will and Zen was okay, but maybe you could add an occasional description of body language/appearance, which helps the reader connect a little more to a character.
Like this:
"Oh yes, I would love to!" exclaimed Zen with excitement. "However, I do not have any weapons..." He glanced at his empty hands, rough from a blacksmith's work.
Chapter 2
A very exciting chapter. Also funny. In a good way. :P
Chapter 3
The first thing Zen saw was the goblins fighting the guards. The guards were quickly falling to the swords and spears of the Lumbridge Guards.) Eh? Perhaps you mean the goblin guards were falling?
"Before the Ork could smash them,a large fire wave hit the Ork,causing it to drop it's Axe and fall down." The difference between it's and its.
It's = it is If you put an it's somewhere, if you can't substitute it with "it is" then it should probably be…
Its = shows possession For example: The Ork has an Axe. The Ork tried to kill us all with its Axe. O_o
Dannie has been tracking a horde of goblins.
Horde = group of creatures
Hoard = to store/gather something
"She looked cute in a way." Ha, I smell potential romance (but you only have to develop it if you want, hehe) Aw, and she teaches new adventurers. That's cute. ^_^
So far, it's a simple but pretty good story with plenty of action.
3 suggestions:
1. Put those spaces in after punctuation. It will make your story look less cramped and more inviting.
2. Add more description about character's expressions/gestures (just don't go too crazy with this)
3. "The guards and Zen ran to the spot where the HOLE was. The guards quickly uncovered the HOLE and went in. Zen came into the HOLE and readied his equipment for battle."
Blunt = used twice to describe weapons
Guard = used many times
Sometimes, it gets a little repetitive. Try to vary your usage of certain words.

14-May-2011 00:59:49

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