hi guthix, thanks for the bio!your character will help in the storyline.
25-May-2011 15:14:52
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~|>>Chronicles Of Zen<<|*
Quick find code: 49-50-916-62643924
hi guthix, thanks for the bio!your character will help in the storyline.
Nate and Zen walked to the Castle of East Ardoune.It was a beautiful castle, and seemed to tower over all the other buildings.Many guards and knights roamed outside the entrance.The building had three floors; the library was in the second floor.
As Zen went through the castle, he noticed that all it's inhabitants had a worried exception.He also found that the King of East Ardougne, King Lathas was very busy and he was shut in his private chamber most of the time.Apparently King Lathas' brother, King Tyras was the king of West Ardougne and has gone west of Kandarin and has not returned.
The library was a large chamber.It contained many bookshelves and there were many potraits of King Lathas on the walls.A librarian was sitting on a chair.He was rather short with a brown shirt and brown trousers.The librarian noticed the two and stood up.
"Welcome brave adventurers, to the Ardougne Library.Feel free to read any book."said the librarian.He quickly sat down again.
"Which book should we find?"asked Zen as they walked through the tall shelves.
"Find a book called 'The Mahjarrat' it is blue in black and has a picture of a robed person in the cover."replied Nate as he scanned the bookshelves.
"Is this the one?"asked Zen as he picked up a book identical to the description Nate had given."I found it on the floor."(Author's Note:
)
"How strange."said Nate curiously.Just then, a man in green robes appeared.He had slightly tan skin and spiky, brown hair with a small, scraggy beard.On his robe top there was a small worm-shaped symbol; the symbol of the God Of Balance, Guthix.Then the man spoke in a deep voice:
"Greetings, my name is Siglim, I am looking to defeat a certain Dannie who is actually the evil Mahjarrat Enakhra in disguise."
(Author note:Imagine dramatic music here like "Tun,tun tuuuuunnnnn!)
As Zen went through the castle, he noticed that all it's inhabitants had a worried exception.He also found that the King of East Ardougne, King Lathas was very busy and he was shut in his private chamber most of the time.Apparently King Lathas' brother, King Tyras was the king of West Ardougne and has gone west of Kandarin and has not returned.
The library was a large chamber.It contained many bookshelves and there were many potraits of King Lathas on the walls.A librarian was sitting on a chair.He was rather short with a brown shirt and brown trousers.The librarian noticed the two and stood up.
"Welcome brave adventurers, to the Ardougne Library.Feel free to read any book."said the librarian.He quickly sat down again.
"Which book should we find?"asked Zen as they walked through the tall shelves.
"Find a book called 'The Mahjarrat' it is blue in black and has a picture of a robed person in the cover."replied Nate as he scanned the bookshelves.
"Is this the one?"asked Zen as he picked up a book identical to the description Nate had given."I found it on the floor."(Author's Note:
)
"How strange."said Nate curiously.Just then, a man in green robes appeared.He had slightly tan skin and spiky, brown hair with a small, scraggy beard.On his robe top there was a small worm-shaped symbol; the symbol of the God Of Balance, Guthix.Then the man spoke in a deep voice:
"Greetings, my name is Siglim, I am looking to defeat a certain Dannie who is actually the evil Mahjarrat Enakhra in disguise."
(Author note:Imagine dramatic music here like "Tun,tun tuuuuunnnnn!)
25-May-2011 17:41:43 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2011 13:49:20 by Anenemus
cool chapter
25-May-2011 17:50:22
Yay im in teh story naow
26-May-2011 16:29:27
Ah, I still have to catch up on this story. So I will.
Chapter 7
Aw, cute father and son reunion.
"Hello Morgan! I heard of you talking a Vampire haunting Draynor."spoke Zen.
^I feel like you're missing a word. Try: "I heard of you talking about a vampire that's haunting Draynor."
"Good luck! Don't die too!" Oh, Morgan. *face palm*
Harlow after he gets his beer: "I'll till you as Morgan was a special friend." ( till = tell)
"Now I understand why the horror dramas are less scarier than the actual scary stuff..."
^ I don't quite understand this sentence. You might want to explain why for people…who can be as easily confused as me. XD
ZOMBIE! I hated that random event. As a noob burying bones, I would just be on the constant lookout for zombies…
Quite a few mistakes with it's and its.
It's = it is
Its = shows possession its hatchet, its head, etc. It's really just a grammar thing. When you go back to look over your chapter (which is always a good idea), you can fix those.
Meatsack. Lol…
"In his last few breaths, Draynor punched Zen's chest and Zen collapsed backwards and fainted(fainted not dead)the last sight zen saw was the body of Draynor before he became unconscious."
The (fainted not dead) could be taken out. I think the reader would assume Zen fainted, not died. And if you tell the reader who thinks Zen might have died, you take away the suspense. Also you need a full stop/period after fainted because I think you meant to start a new sentence.
So: "In his last few breaths, Draynor punched Zen's chest, and Zen collapsed backwards and fainted. The last sight Zen saw was the body of Draynor before he became unconscious."
Mini Chapter
New characters? Ooo.
But why can't it be a long chapter? I was just curious, not saying you have to make it a long chapter.
Chapter 8
"His companions began to fight with two people who were full red armour with a purple trim outside the room and Zen entered the room." Were = wore?
Chapter 7
Aw, cute father and son reunion.
"Hello Morgan! I heard of you talking a Vampire haunting Draynor."spoke Zen.
^I feel like you're missing a word. Try: "I heard of you talking about a vampire that's haunting Draynor."
"Good luck! Don't die too!" Oh, Morgan. *face palm*
Harlow after he gets his beer: "I'll till you as Morgan was a special friend." ( till = tell)
"Now I understand why the horror dramas are less scarier than the actual scary stuff..."
^ I don't quite understand this sentence. You might want to explain why for people…who can be as easily confused as me. XD
ZOMBIE! I hated that random event. As a noob burying bones, I would just be on the constant lookout for zombies…
Quite a few mistakes with it's and its.
It's = it is
Its = shows possession its hatchet, its head, etc. It's really just a grammar thing. When you go back to look over your chapter (which is always a good idea), you can fix those.
Meatsack. Lol…
"In his last few breaths, Draynor punched Zen's chest and Zen collapsed backwards and fainted(fainted not dead)the last sight zen saw was the body of Draynor before he became unconscious."
The (fainted not dead) could be taken out. I think the reader would assume Zen fainted, not died. And if you tell the reader who thinks Zen might have died, you take away the suspense. Also you need a full stop/period after fainted because I think you meant to start a new sentence.
So: "In his last few breaths, Draynor punched Zen's chest, and Zen collapsed backwards and fainted. The last sight Zen saw was the body of Draynor before he became unconscious."
Mini Chapter
New characters? Ooo.
But why can't it be a long chapter? I was just curious, not saying you have to make it a long chapter.
Chapter 8
"His companions began to fight with two people who were full red armour with a purple trim outside the room and Zen entered the room." Were = wore?
27-May-2011 20:57:35 - Last edited on 27-May-2011 20:58:44 by Fireheart449
Chapter 8 (continued)
He saw Zamorak's betrayal of Zaros…interesting…
FREAK THE DRAGON SLAYER reference! Made me quite happy!
Yeah, Dannie better run…even though it seems Zen doesn't want to lope her head off (which he should *cough cough*).
"Zen's legs got burnt and Zen shouted." Shouted in pain, to make it more specific. Just 'shouted' seems a bit vague to me. But how dare Dannie attack him! That… *grumble grumble*
Chapter 9
I don't like the Lumbridge Swamp. Nasty place…
"The Wizard gasped and almost stopped helping the Wizard."
Sounds a bit odd. How about "stopped helping the other Wizard"?
He fainted again! Zen needs a bit of work on his throwing skillz. XD
He was saved by…Interesting. Very interesting…
Wait, shouldn't "Nate Enlightened" be Chapter 10? And the prologue for Chapter 10 (Nate Enlightened), not 9 (Demonic Rampage)?
Anyway, I'll save the next chapters for later. The story's definitely getting more interesting since there are many unanswered questions for the reader to ponder. Just be sure to answer them all.
He saw Zamorak's betrayal of Zaros…interesting…
FREAK THE DRAGON SLAYER reference! Made me quite happy!
Yeah, Dannie better run…even though it seems Zen doesn't want to lope her head off (which he should *cough cough*).
"Zen's legs got burnt and Zen shouted." Shouted in pain, to make it more specific. Just 'shouted' seems a bit vague to me. But how dare Dannie attack him! That… *grumble grumble*
Chapter 9
I don't like the Lumbridge Swamp. Nasty place…
"The Wizard gasped and almost stopped helping the Wizard."
Sounds a bit odd. How about "stopped helping the other Wizard"?
He fainted again! Zen needs a bit of work on his throwing skillz. XD
He was saved by…Interesting. Very interesting…
Wait, shouldn't "Nate Enlightened" be Chapter 10? And the prologue for Chapter 10 (Nate Enlightened), not 9 (Demonic Rampage)?
Anyway, I'll save the next chapters for later. The story's definitely getting more interesting since there are many unanswered questions for the reader to ponder. Just be sure to answer them all.
27-May-2011 20:58:24
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