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Azigarath

Azigarath

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By chapter 13, you keep recreating RuneScape gameplay. It's 'blah blah blah he did this, blah blah blah he did that, blah blah blah he is now doing that, blah blah blah he will now do this.'
Who cares what he's doing. You can make your reader care by offering a foundation of your story. Throwing words into a reader's face doesn't do anything, especially if your reader is someone such as myself, or who is passed the age of seventeen.
You can't really afford to assume that all your readers have never played M-rated games nor have seen R-rated movies.
I am not trying to make you to model the story in a way that best suits my own style, as the world would fare better with less people who have my personality, but you should note that your story feels like a Japanese cartoon for kids.
" "YOU RUN FAST SKINNY BOY!" said Lazaar, panting and gasping.
"Yeah? Well, know this. You are so weak that you can't even defeat a goblin!" sneered Zen.
"WHAT?HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!" yelled Lazaar.
"Yes, how dare I insult you." said Zen. He threw some ash at Lazaar's eyes and ran away. "
How is that an insult? Using peccadilloes too often is another way to kill a sense of maturity in your story. Did you type this story only for kids? It really feels like a kid's story, so this is the biggest issue that kills my interest in the story. I just can't find a story enjoyable when it was not typed for my level.
But what I noticed is that your story's grammar and spelling gets better later on, specifically after chapter 12. If you have Word, use it, and then copy and paste the words into the post message.
I don't have much else to say, but your storyline turns into a clichéd one. Your antagonist must antagonize the protagonist, and the protagonist must 'protagonize' the antagonist. Your villains have no family, no life, no bodily urges, no feelings, and all of your characters are utterly robots who speak as if talking to a wall.

31-Jul-2011 04:44:31

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That's almost all I have to say. I could go on and on about the whole story, but I won't go that far, since that would probably waste time.
I read to the bottom of chapter 18, and I still see absurd dialogue. Your characters don't even talk like human beings, and by this time I am quite sure that you made a story for people who have not graduated from junior high school.
There's nothing wrong with that really. Since there seems to be people enjoying your story, they are like you, so typing a story to satisfy people with a similar personality that you have is all that matters.
Moreover, the most important thing to remember when typing a story is to do so your own way. There is nothing stopping you from how you want to type a story, and it's best to type a story that suits your own personality and style.
And thus I have finished reading what you typed. Even though I had problems enjoying it, what matters most is that if you feel the story is fine the way it is, then there's nothing wrong with it. Do things your way, it's not that my opinion matters.

31-Jul-2011 04:45:01

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the review.
This is my second story so im not exactly sure how the thing goes. I didn't intend the story to be aimed at any "particular" age group. But yeah, Zen is one of those usual happy-go-lucky adventurers.

Regarding Dannie, I believe I wrote that she had been tracking the goblins from Kandarin. But the battle was epic from Zen's point of view (I probably should have written the story in First Person at that point perhaps). Also, Dannie used the spell Fire Wave from the normal spellbook.
Regarding the clashing of swords and daggers, I'll change that to make it more realistic.
Also, about the bronze longsword and medieval weapons, I intended this story to be a bit more about RuneScape gameplay. Therefore, seeing as bronze is the weakest type of creatable weapon, Nate was outraged.
Count Draynor was a Vampyre who was related to Lord Drakan. I wanted Draynor to seem like a powerful opponent. If I change the punching scene, Draynor falling due to Zen;s kick would fit. So yeah, I'll edit that but I want Draynor to be a slightly more powerful opponent than an average creature such as a hobgoblin for instance.
Overall, Im sorry about the immaturity of the story. I'll try to make it a bit more mature though from the next continuation. Also, what should I do for humour in my story?

31-Jul-2011 13:26:40 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2011 13:54:10 by Anenemus

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
awsome, keep up the good work. It's impossible to start as a perfect author right off the bat, but I felt that I need to say everything to rip your heart out because this makes you a stronger person and a more flexible artist.
I never started out as a good artist, but I earned self-satisfaction from going through my own experiences.
crude humour works for me, and honestly black humour is my favourite.
ig., you can get a character to kick a vampire in the groin and then stab a knife into an eye, that sort of thing. Unexpected humour really is good in my opinion at least.
oh, and I forgot to mention that you certainly know how to make a full-length story. Your next step is to just think about demonstrating your scenes into images that the audience can picture.
hm, seeing as you did mention daughters in my story, I'm not sure why I had doubts, but oh well.

06-Aug-2011 23:59:23 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2011 00:47:46 by Azigarath

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 19:Iorwerth's Plans
The elf trudged along the path. He was a male elf, as his face was masculine. He was wearing a dark, black cloak and a black shirt and leggings. The path was damps as it was next to a dark marshland. There were puddles of tar scattered around the land. There were many bones and skeletons in the tar pits. There were also holes around the land. Occasionally, tar would gush out of them like a fountain.
The elf reached a small hill. It had a strange rock right next to it. It was engraved with elvish rune alphabets. It read:
------------------THOSE WHO SEEK SEREN,---------------
-------------------SPEAK, FRIEND, AND ENTER.--------------
-------------------THE TUNNEL TO THE CITY----------------
------------------LIES HERE.------------------------
The elf put his hand on the sign and muttered "ffrind". It was the elvish word for friend. The rock disappeared to reveal a small entrance to a cave.
The elf walked through the entrance. He could see a tunnel stretching endlessly. He began to sprint forward. Afer a few hours he began to see light from the end of the tunnel. Eventually he reached the other end of the tunnel and stepped outside.
The elf was surrounded by a large green plain. He could see crystal walls surrounding the plain from a great distance. IN the middle of the plain was a great and tall crystal tower. The elf walked towards the tower. There was nothing inside except a few chairs in front of a table. Next to these furnitures was a spiral staircase ascending up the tower.
The elf took out a small piece of crystal and pointed it upward. In a fraction of a second, he disappeared from the base of the tower and appeared at it's pinnacle.

07-Aug-2011 06:58:55 - Last edited on 11-Aug-2011 18:10:14 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The pinnacle of the tower was flat with a giant chunk of crystal in the middle of it. The crystal was surrounded by a few poles. The poles had cyan balls of energy floating around them. The elf walked towards the crystal. As he was about to touch it, he saw some movement from the edge of his eye. The elf spun around, his cape swooshing. There were three tiny figures. The figures wore black coifshad pointed ears like the elves.
The figures to the left and right of the middle figure carried a small red dagger. A dragon dagger. The middle figure had a black staff with a white spike on top of it. He had grey hair and piercing black eyes. The figures were Gnomes.
"Well met Iorwerth. I assume you brought some crystal shards for us?"said the figure in a middle with an old, cracked voice.
The elf who was Iorwerth spoke. His voice was calm and composed and yet there was an aura of calmness around yet.
"Indeed I have Glouphrie."Iorwerth gave a few crystal shards. "Did you keep to your part of the deal?"
"Of course."smiled Glouphrie. Iorwerth stepped aside as the three gnomes stepped closer to the crystal. They began to mutter strange incantations. After a few minutes of chanting, the giant crystal began to glow red. A great eye appeared in the middle of it. The balls of energy disappeared.
The gnomes nodded towards Iorwerth who smiled. The gnomes then teleported. Iorwerth then turned towards the crystal and bowed.
"M'Lord, do not fear. We will crush the rebel elves. Then we will focus on ressurecting you so you can bring your unholy pressence into this realm once more."

11-Aug-2011 18:20:03

Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Meanwhile, Siglim and Jace were trudging through the beautiful forest of Isafadar in the pleasent evening. The sky was a beautiful shade of orange. With trees everywhere, very few creatures and many traps scattered, Isafadar was a forest unlike the ones around Gielinor. There were a lot of evergreen trees and blue, glowing mushrooms. Occasionally, a bear or wolf could be seen in the forests. Jace and Siglim were broth dressed in black dragonhide, one of the best armour for rangers in Gielinor. They were equipped with Magic Shortbows. Magic Shortbows had the rare ability to fire two arrows at the same time now and then.
At their waists were Super Poisoned Dragon Daggers. Useful and deadly while killing people, it was no easy feat to block their attacks. They were assigned to penetrate the great crystal walls of the Elven City of Prifiddinas. It was currently controlled by the evil clan of Iorwerth. Ruthless and arrogant, the Iowrerth Clan were attempting to resurrect a Dark Lord who was said to come from "Zamorak's World".
After a few hours of trekking through the forest, the two began to see a great crystal wall behind a hill. It appeared at least 30 feet tall and stretched as far as the eye could see. In the middle, Jace saw a huge gate of crystal.
"D'you see anything?"asked Siglim. Elves had greater eyesight than humans.
"Yes, I see the walls of the City. Let us cross this hill and camp near the walls. We can think about scaling the walls later tonight."replied Jace.
The two began to sprint up the hill. When they reached the top, they saw a sight which made their hearts go down to the pits of their stomachs. There was a great Elven Camp right in front of the gate.
"Great Seren, we forgot about Iowrerth's Camp!"said Jace. "Iowrerth and his clan have camped here. It has been rumoured that Iowererth has gone into the city but it is not confirmed."
"Great Guthix..."
"Anyways. Lets camp here. Lets start by collecting some herbs and food."

11-Aug-2011 18:20:39 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2011 17:38:23 by Anenemus

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