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Anenemus

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Chapter 18 – Chaos Reigns
When Zen woke up, he was unable to move, yet his body was moving. He was walking towards a barren wasteland. On his side was a male Mahjarrat whom Zen thought was Zemouregal, the Mahjarrat responsible for killing Arrav, the hero of Varrock. Zemouregal was dressed in black armour with a crimson-red longsword.
On the other side of Zen was Enakhra. She frequently looked at Zen as if she was looking as though she was his lover. The three of them stopped when they reached the edge of the cliff. It took a few seconds to realize Zen was addressing an army. The army consisted of humans, pale-skined vampyres, large demons, flying Vampyres and a horde of undead. Zen spoke in an amplified, high and cold voice.
“Today we won a great victory. Today, we have defeated the corrupt god whose biggest mistake was to try and take control of us. Today, we conquered the kingdom of Forinthry and we have turned it into a Wilderness!”
The army cheered. “All hail Zamorak! Hail the god of Chaos!”All hail Zamorak!”
Zen’s eyesight began to blur. He felt like he was viewing the scene from a far away place. Finally, Zen’s eyes closed and he became unconscious.
When Zen woke up, he was not in the barren wasteland or in the Waterfall Cavern. He was in a large room which had an altar surrounded by two small pillars. The floor was made of stone and the roof could not be seen. There was a metal door right beside Zen, who was lying on the floor. Just as he stood up, Enakhra entered the room, her expression full of triumph.
Enakhra faced Zen. "You had a vision. What did you see in it?"asked Enakhra. Zen decided not to lie as he saw malice in Enakhra's merciless eyes.
"I..I was in the mind of Zamorak. I was marching by Zemouregal..and you."stuttered Zen.
When Enakhra remained silent, Zen went on. "I saw Zamorak address his army, and he said something about a corrupt god."
Enakhra gasped. There was nothing in her face but shock.

29-Jul-2011 19:22:18 - Last edited on 06-Sep-2011 08:57:25 by Anenemus

Anenemus

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"What happened?"asked Zen, almost as if he was asking directions of a place.
"Before Zamorak was banished from Gielinor by Guthix, he was not entirely banished. A small part of his life force, came into the body of a dying person and gave it life. That dying person was a boy with brown hair and blue eyes. It was you."said Enakhra clasping her hands.
"Wait, what?"gasped Zen."But the God Wars took place in the Third Age, we are now in the Fifth Age!"
"Yes. However, most of the Mahjarrats who allied with Zamorak sealed you in a cave and stopped time inside the cave. Hence you might have assumed you did not have parents. Zamorak waited for a chance to be resummoned. His chance has come now."replied Enakhra looking for something in a small bag by her hip.
"What do you mean?"
"I will remove that part of Zamorak from you and resummon him here. You will not die however."
"No!I don't want Zamorak to be summoned, get away!"yelled Zen as he frantically started to edge towards the metal door.
"You have a choice of living or being tortured for all eternity."sneered Enakhra, as she took out a skull and placed it on a pillar.
Zen lay slumped against the wall. "What now?"thought Zen. "If Zamorak is summoned..."Zen could not think about what would have posibbly happened.
Enakhra took out a black wand and started to mutter an enchantment. After that, she pointed the wand towards Zen.
Zen could feel something in is stomach. It was alive and it was trying to break free. In an instant, a black, squelchy substance appeared through Zen. It was a tangled mass of black substance. Enakhra guided the black substance to the other pillar using her wand. The substance stuck to the pillar like a swamp tar.
Enakhra started muttering again. After a few moments, The skull levitated and the black substance collided with the skull. As it collided, both the items disappeared and Zen gasped as a red portal appeared right behind Enakhra.

29-Jul-2011 19:32:10 - Last edited on 06-Sep-2011 17:34:48 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

A figure surrounded by a black mist appeared. It was about 7 feet and was wearing armour. As the mist disappeared, Zen saw the figure of Zamorak.
He had a skull-like head like the rest of the Mahjarrats. However, he had horns protruding from the sides of his head.
He was wearing black armour with a red trim. The infamous Zamorak symbol was on his platebody. He carried a red battleaxe which was similar to Zemouregal's red longsword.
Zamorak had a blood red cape and his eyes were glowing red.
"At last. I have been unleashed upon Gielenor. Now, chaos will INDEED reign!"said Zamorak. Zen remembered the high and cold voice.
Enakhra laughed with delight. "Lord Zamorak, it is an honour to have you back!"
Zamorak did not react. "Send a signal to the rest of the Mahjarrat. We must start gathering our followers somewhere."
Zen did not know what and where Meiyerditch was. Almost in response to Zen's thoughts, Zamorak turned to face him.
"Meiyerditch is located in the land of Morytania, foolish boy. Don't you even know that?"jeered Zamorak. Enakhra laughed.
"Now, we shall take care of you. No other person should know of me being released. Yet."said Zamorak.
"No way!Enakhra said I would live!"protested Zen.
"Yes?Well Zamorakians have a habit called lying."
Zamorak walked towards Zen. Just as he lifted his axe to decapitate Zen, a loud noise made all three of them turn their heads to the door.
Nate sprang into the room. His daggers were in his hand and his eyes were full of fury. He cast a fireball at Zamorak. Zamorak deflected the attack and charged towards Nate. Enakhra cast an ice rush spell at Zen but Zen ducked down, causing the wall behind him to be covered in ice and frost. Zen took out a teleport tablet. It had a "V" alphabet rule engraved on it.
The Mod Kings had invented teleport tablets, which teleported the person who breaks it. Zen ran towards Nate, threw him down and broke the tablet.

30-Jul-2011 06:25:24 - Last edited on 24-Sep-2011 19:08:25 by Anenemus

Anenemus

Posts: 2,328 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

As the two of them teleported, Zen could have sworn he heard Zamorak yell in fury. Zen and Nate appeared in Varrock Square and crashed into a person. He was wearing Runite Armour with a green trim and had a slightly maniacal expression. He had white spiky hair and dark eyes.
"Woah!Watch where your land when teleporting!"laughed the Runite covered person.
"Yeah, but whatch where your standing, you are standing in the location of the teleport of Varrock!"roared Nate with laughter.
"Dharoks?No, Im wearing Guthix-trimmed runite armour. My name is Enddragon. Do you two clowns have any name?"
Zen roared with laughter. He hadn't laughed for a long time.
"Im Zen, and this guy is Nate."
"Oh. Hello Zen and Nate."said Enddragon.
"Anyways, we have some business. Later."said Nate.
"Yeah, okay. Well, we'll meet again sometime. I have some buisness to attend to with a friend of mine called Ashton. If you want to meet us, come to the Varrock East Bank."said Enddragon. He took out a red and black spiky whip and walked off towards Varrock East. Zen and Nate walked towards a darker alley.
"Not exactly the ordinary type of people..."thought Zen as they walked. His thoughts were interrupted by Nate.
"How the Guthix did you end up in Enakhra's hideout?"asked Nate incredulously.
Zen explained about the second task and how he encountered Lazaar in the Waterfall Cavern. He explained about his vision and how Enakhra came and took him to another place. He also explained how Zamorak was summoned.
"WHAT?You saw visions of Zamorak?"gawped Nate. "We were travelling all the time, you could have told me about it!"
"Well...i-it never occured to me, as I only had the vision twice so far."said Zen.
Nate was deep in thought.
"How was it that you just HAPPENED to come to Enakhra's hideout while I was there?"asked Zen.
"Aah. That is something else. Lets focus on defeating Enakhra. Forgot about this contest and start making loads of money. I have a friend who sells Runite equipment."

30-Jul-2011 06:27:17 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2011 06:39:27 by Anenemus

Carsten 901

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cool chapters

30-Jul-2011 16:35:32

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Over two thousand two hundred words for you to read and reflect about.
Unusual way to start a story. Making a necklace, probably to be a gift for someone?
You offer a brief history about Zen, and then he's like, 'oh yay an adventure! Woohoo!' and then by the title of the next chapter he's going to get kidnapped. Zen's background is typical; dead parents and a boy destined to become a hero. I see this all the time.
" Just then a large horde of goblins appeared from the forest nearby. This forest was between Draynor and Lumbridge. The goblins were all the size of humans. They had green skin and pointy ears and noses. They were wearing red and brown clothing and wielded spears or battleaxes and shields. "
What were the chances of goblins popping out of nowhere to fight your hero? I already know how a goblin looks like, and their equipment. You don't need to explain things that your reader will already know. =O
And an Ork haughtily mentions what it knows, and carries you away. Mmk.
" Just then there was a large flash.A girl in wizard robes appeared.
"FIRE WAVE!" screamed the girl and flames appeared in front of the ork causing its feet to get burnt. It shrieked in agony. The goblins then advanced on the girl who sheathed out a large red sword and started to attack the green creatures.
While this epic battle was happening, Zen rolled towards a spear and managed to get the roots cut. Zen sprang up and called to the girl, "Need some help?" "
How is one mage against a horde an 'epic battle?' Also, so far there's too random and almost pointless happenings in the story. A girl pops up in a wave of flames and starts to take on the world, and yet she wants help even though she created an epic battle? How does this battle looking like? You're not describing it to me, so this means I am ignorant to what is going on.

31-Jul-2011 04:42:51

Azigarath

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Zen runs forth and cuts a goblin's head off, and he's happy about it. If you killed someone, would you yell out 'liek omg sos awesome yay!'
So I'm seeing usual mistakes that I see in many other stories. Unrealism, awkward dialogue, random happenings, and a lack of description. Some improvement in these categories would be easier for me to picture the story in my head, otherwise it feels like you don't care about your reader.
Zen runs away but is ambushed by goblins. Why are goblins trying to kill him? He's just a 15 year old boy, who cares?
" A few goblins attacked him, but their maces were blunt by the battle and did not damage him. "
Just because a weapon is blunt doesn't mean it can't hurt you. This is why boxers can kill each other even though they wear boxing gloves. Some boxers have been killed in boxing, you know. But the exception to this is that Zen is wearing plate armour, so the maces would glance off him anyways.
" The Ork yelled and then turned into dust, leaving large bones and an Iron Kite Shield. The remaining Goblins saw their leader dead and ran for it. "
This gives me the assumption that your story is recreating RuneScape gameplay. I already know what happens when I play RuneScape.
" "I have been tracking down this hoard of Goblins for a long time.They have apparently moved from Kandarin and have left many deaths from the places they visited.At last I have found them and with your help I killed them."said Dannie with a laugh. "
So the goblins killed 'many people' and yet they were destroyed by a 15 year old boy, a girl, and a guard. Oh well, so I suppose the story does not focus on realism but rather a RuneScape game-played feel, so it does not suit my style very much.
"I see you have seen me at last.Now prepare to meet Zamorak and suffer his flames!"roared the assassin.

31-Jul-2011 04:43:15

Azigarath

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"Never!" shouted Zen in response. Their two weapons clashed; daggers and longsword.
When I pictured this scene, I laughed. Daggers and swords cannot clash; this is simply impossible in a fight. With a longsword, all you'd have to do is lunge it at the dagger-wielding assassin's chest. Regardless of how fast he is, he is dead-meat against a sword.
Well, I'm not going to show you scenes and then expand my opinion on them anymore. So far the story doesn't feel like anything special. Most of us have already undergone adventures in RuneScape, so recreating gameplay is not really keeping me interested.
If you really have read Cannibal's Lament Parts 1 and 2 from beginning to end, I'm sure you understand that I prefer to read stories that focuses itself to reflect a novel rather than statements of words. I also prefer physics to reflect a created world.
For example, your little duel between Zen and Draynor is absurd. This is RuneScape, not Dragon Ball Z. You can't punch someone and make them fly into a wall, and if you kick someone once they don't fall to their knees, especially if the person is a superhuman vampire.
You repeat contradictions often, simply put, and the story is remaining to uphold itself to random happenings. Zen is attacked, but saved by a group of adventures 'who just happened to be nearby and just happen to know that Dannie is evil.'
Another example,
" Zen did not hesitate to attack.He threw his adamant dagger at the Demon's left eye.Blue blood began to seep from the Demon's eye as the demon roared. "
The demon couldn't flinch to get out of the way? If someone threw a dagger at you, and you noticed him in front of you before he did, would you walk into the thrown dagger? If I threw a dagger at you, would you just stare blankly at it while it hit you in the face?

31-Jul-2011 04:43:33 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2011 04:48:29 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

That's the kind of feeling I get when I read the story. Your characters seem to be bound in the RuneScape game engine, and yet they can step out of it when you want them to, but cannot do so when your hero Zen happens to do something.
A big problem is that I don't have to actually read your story; I just need to look at the chapters' titles and I already know what's going to happen. If the story has a predictable outcome it's not fun to read.
" "A Bronze Longsword? What is the meaning of this Dannie?" roared Nate in anger.
"Silence! I shall not be spoken to like that. You asked for a weapon. Here it is. Take it or be gone!" said Dannie in a high but cold voice. "
Picture this scene in a movie like Lord of the Rings. The people watching the movie in the theatre aren't going to be impressed.
In other words, you are treating your reader like a baby. Stop treating your readers like babies.
Also, bronze longswords don't exist. The texture of bronze is soft, and a long blade of bronze cannot keep a sharp edge nor can it keep a fixed position. This is why Greek swords were short; bronze simply cannot be forged to be a longsword.
A goedendag is a club with a spike at the tip. Soldiers of the Low Countries used geodendags to halt charging knights' horses during a few battles. If, IN HISTORIC MEDIEVAL BATTLES, men with spiked clubs could use them to stall mounted knights' charges, what is there to complain about a bronze sword? A sharpened blade of bronze is more than enough to kill people.
Nate teleports into water and swims away. Another random scene. Your scenes are so random they make your story feel like a parody, and guess what? Help arrives for Nate! A druid just happens to be a hero. Your story feels heavily scripted; everything is pre-planned, like how a World Wrestling Entertainment show is planned to happen.

31-Jul-2011 04:43:54 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2011 04:50:39 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I can't read your story after chapter 10. I am forced to skim through it because I am still being treated like a baby. Insulting your reader's intelligence by assuming that they're ten year olds is not a good way to portray your story.
Polymath and Fireheart keep bugging you about spelling and grammar issues, but I hate to break it to you, but even if your story had perfect spelling and grammar, the scenes would not change. It doesn't matter how professionally a story is typed – if it's boring to read, it's boring to read.
I do not focus on words, I focus on the scenes that a story is building for me. Hemmingway mentioned in his life that every author should focus on a story's value, not its words. In this case, you should think about what images you put into your story rather than struggle to fix grammatical issues.
As much as I appreciate it that you have read my own story, I have doubts if you really read it from beginning to end. After reading my own stories, you can assume that I belong to a minority. There are a few people posting the same compliments over and over again, but I feel that I need to say my points because there are a lot of little kids out there that play M-rated games and watch R-rated movies.
Thus, I am comparing your story with M-rated games and R-rated movies. As such, the outcome is that I am getting immaturity from your story and that's when I find it hard to treat seriously.
Another example,
" It was a beautiful castle, built with stone. "
You think that I don't know that castles are built out of stone? It's like saying to your best friend, 'my house is made of wood.'
When you input dialogue or statements into your story, ask yourself, 'what would happen if I said that to my best friend? To my mother? To a random person?'
If miscellaneous information sounds weird, don't put it in unless you are certain it's necessary.

31-Jul-2011 04:44:13 - Last edited on 31-Jul-2011 04:52:26 by Azigarath

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