Alright, Magery, here we go.
Your story starts off very well, actually, with strong description and interesting characterization. One minor quibble: when you have two paragraphs that aren't related at all, split them more distinctly. I like using a series of asterisks and tildes on their own line, but just anything that looks neat and distinct will work. It just makes thing easier for the reader.
Unfortunately, the rest wasn't quite as good as the opening. Your battle scenes were kinda choppy and awkward, lots of telling us what happened but no real translation of the sense of the battle: it causes a disconnect, and it just feels like you're reading an inventory. It comes across as much less exciting than a battle should.
The whole thing with being on a moon then jumping and flying down to the planet was, conservatively, just a little stretch of the imagination. I realize they're deific or quasi-deific beings, but still. Moons are very, very far from their planets.
In dialogue, always space the lines out properly, in distinct paragraphs: the way you wrote it was hard to read, and, frankly, looks amateur. It's a minor thing, but getting all the minor things right is a big part of being a good writer.
I'll also add that the happy ending seems a bit forced. I quite liked that he sacrificed himself for the sake of the planet, and was kinda disappointed by the whole second chance thing. Sometimes, writing is more powerful when the ending is nuanced and bittersweet, not simply and happy (actually, that's all the time. No truly great story has an entirely happy ending).
In general, I was impressed with your creative and imaginative grasp of language, and less so with your technical ability. While the former is more important, the second cannot be ignored, and there are just enough issues to keep you from the rank of Bard. Proofread it, re-apply, and I'll give you the rank you deserve, but until then, you are a Scribe of The Amethyst Library.
10-Aug-2011 10:36:00
