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NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The woman went to the back and with a stunning amount of strength came back out carrying his desired items, hardly even breaking a sweat. “Thanks!” Adam shouted, and moved to another counter to talk to a Grand Exchange Employee, his withdrawn items in his backpack.
He once again had a shouted conversation with the staff member to put up his money for a few sharks and a new rune platebody, to replace the one that was destroyed by the archer in Al-Kharid Dueling Arena. The sales went through and Adam put his armor on and packed the fish in his backpack. He walked back outside to John and Rachel, giving them each a few sharks and handing Rachel the runes he had taken out.
It was clear that Rachel had obviously run down the street to the bank because she was now wearing her mage robes. The blue hat flopped lazily to the side, the blue robes hung loosely off of her arms and the blue bottoms stopped just above her shoes. The staff with the luminescent white orb on the top was in her right hand. She was beaming happily at Adam, a sparkle in her green eyes and a smile on her face. Her copper hair was let down onto her back and Adam had to resist the urge to stare, he instead turned to look at John. John did*’t prepare much, but his massive rune covered sword was clearly inside the equally as big sheath slung across his back.
Dark grey clouds had begun to gather in the sky. Adam looked up and spoke, “Let’s find a place to stay”
His suggestion was heeded and they wandered off into the city in search of shelter from the coming storm as the clouds grew bigger and darker and the air grew thick with the smell of rain.

15-Aug-2009 00:42:40

Caydock

Caydock

Posts: 6,279 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, unfortunately, (Or fortunately for you...) I'm no English. But here's what I saw.
*Chapter 24: First Post of the Chapter*
John couldn’t help but feel attached to the two of them, they had practically risked their lives to come save him from his father.
---
Seems like a run on to me. The comma seems to be to short of a pause. Perhaps a semi colon would work better.
~~~
John realized he had been staring at the back of Adam’s head for five minutes, easily.
---
As I've said, doesn't flow well. Maybe you should say "For easily five minutes." But that's not really an error, just something that sounded somewhat off to me.
~~~
He looked away, embarrassed even though neither of them had seen him, casting his glance down and to the left, focusing on walking more than thinking.
---
This whole sentence seems kind of odd. (I just keep repeating myself, don't I? :P ) It might be nothing, but I can't put my finger on what sounds weird. :P Sorry. Disregard this one if you will.
~~~
He had planned that they go to Varrock so they could stock up on supplies for their search for Zamorak.
---
In this instance the "they" sounds like the seers mentioned in the above sentence. It switches from a flashback, back to the present without a noticable change.
~~~
*Chapter 24: Second Post of the Chapter*
As they drew closer the eastern wall blocked out the slanted sunshine and blanketed them in shadow.
---
Needing a comma between 'closer' and 'the.' (Love the use of blanketed here. XD)
~~~
A guard appeared in the distance, hardly resembling a shapeless speck, but easy to distinguish because of his towering halberd.
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How could the guard "hardly" resemble a shapeless speck? I would think he WOULD resemble one. I might be reading it with the wrong mind frame though.
~~~
As Adam and company neared the gate both guards lowered their halberds.
---
Comma between 'gate' and 'both.'
~~~
Continued on next post.

15-Aug-2009 23:55:54

Caydock

Caydock

Posts: 6,279 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Continued from Above. Chapter 24: Second Post of the Chapter.
~~~
Sweat beads appeared on their faces, the lifetime of a guard is not a safe or a lengthy one.
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You go from telling what the guards faces are doing, to narrating what the life of a guard is like with a comma. Doesn't seem quite right. Maybe a comma and then the word 'for.' ",For the lifetime..."
Also in this sentence, it would be much better to say instead of: "the lifetime of a guard is not a safe or a lengthy one."
"The lifetime of a guard is not safe or lengthy."
*Chapter 24: Third Post of the Chapter*
~~~
Adam extended his hand to Rachel who accepted his assistance to get up.
---
"To get up" doesn't look as smooth. Maybe remove it and leave it as "Who accepted his assistance."
~~~
As they walked down the street children and parents wandered past, salesmen promoted their wares, hammers clanged on anvils and smoke wafted into the air from food, the city was like one big advertisement.
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Run on sentence. Put a comma between 'street' and children' and a period after food. Make "The city was like on big advertisement" it's own sentence.
~~~
They reached the grand exchange and stepped inside, only to be blasted with thunderous noise from the hustle and bustle of stock brokers, salesmen, and adventurers as they all demanded attention among the massive crowd.
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Capitalize Grand Exchange.
*Chapter 24: Fourth Post of the Chapter*
~~~
“Thanks!” Adam shouted, and moved to another counter to talk to a Grand Exchange Employee, his withdrawn items in his backpack.
---
Wow, Adam got that backpack loaded pretty fast, didn't he? When I first read it, I got the impression he was still holding the items when he moved to the Employee.
~~~
He once again had a shouted conversation with the staff member to put up his money for a few sharks and a new rune platebody, to replace the one that was destroyed by the archer in Al-Kharid Dueling Arena.
---
THE Al-Kharid Dueling Arena

16-Aug-2009 00:05:55 - Last edited on 16-Aug-2009 00:07:41 by Caydock

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