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NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It's cool Chuk.
Oh the anticipation is so thick I could cut it with a knife...
in the meantime, ooh! Look at this! Shiny!
Alright, I need help now. The deadline is nearing. Come and get some other contestants for me people!
ATTENTION STORIES FORUM!
The Word will be having a story contest on Halloween. We will also be having a particularly 'tricky' event that is sure to be a blast for all participants. Please sign up, post your entries, and read for specifics on this thread!
× Halloween Story Contest! ×
QFC: 49-50-393-59623144
We hope to see you there and look forward to your participation!

20-Oct-2009 03:54:44

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Elly,
Well I've read the story, but I admit that I had trouble really getting into it. Your descriptive work is often very good and goes some way towards carrying the work, and the pace of the plot is generally well measured too, so you do a lot of the basic stuff well. So why did I have a problem enjoying it?
Unfortunately I found it to be too cliched and not believable enough to draw me into your world. The characters were not fleshed out as much as they could have been. Much of what I got to understand from them was how they were reacting physically to the situations they were in, but not much of real depth about how they felt.
Emotion is critically important to getting me, the reader, to empathize with a character, or dislike a character, or feel whatever you want me to feel at a given point. And it is that which draws me in and makes me want to see what will happen next.
For instance, Adam was thrown into that mud pit in the mines, and I got lots of detail about how dirty he was, but nothing much about whether he was annoyed, resigned, panicking...
A notable exception to this complaint was when Adam and Rachel kissed in the rain in Varrock. It was such a huge relief to see that in the story, finally making something out of those feelings you'd been telling us about but not really demonstrating. You could have done more, but I applaud you for that.
A more minor point was my feeling of having to suspend realism. I couldn't always believe that things would really work they way you described, such as right near the beginning when Rachel couldn't escape from being tied to a chair. But then she has a "spark or rage", breaks her ropes and incinerates someone. But then she's captured and tied up again. There were several places (like that scene) where I didn't understand why the aggressors didn't simply kill them.

20-Oct-2009 04:41:56

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall it's a good piece, and stands well on this forum as a fairly long tale that is complete, and well put together in a general sense. But I know you can improve on it quite substantially, and I look forward to seeing how your writing grows now that we have this as a benchmark to compare to.
Dreamweaver

20-Oct-2009 04:43:20

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you very much Dream. I'm glad you were able to give me such good compliments, on that chapter especially...you have hinted at something I was considering...maybe that's my best chapter? The Romance scene that is...
More than the compliments I appreciate your critiques and their usefulness and detail. Don't worry, I plan for my next story to be far better. I really appreciate you being here and reading this. Thank you very much Dream. I'll be sure to ask for you if I ever need a truly inspired, well thought out, and considerate comment ever again. ;)
~Elly

20-Oct-2009 20:32:00

Tava60

Tava60

Posts: 1,017 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh great Dream posted, now everything I'll say will be degraded :P
Anyways I finally found the courage to read, and my braveness payed off. As I have found yet another story I must read. Now I found the beggining a bit... Well not to my liking. But you should be happy to know I like it better as it progresses. Unfortanly I only got to Chapter 10 and I need to get ready for football soon, so I can't continue further.
On a lesser note I haven't found any grammarmatical corrections need (though i'm not the best). I'd also like to applaud your descriptions. Oh anything else... Don't think so for... Ah, yes I know *claps* good job.

20-Oct-2009 21:46:04

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