As promised, and just in time, chapter 17.
Elly
Elly
14-Apr-2009 01:07:06
Forums
Sandstone
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491
It's short, it's unedited, it's all I got. I have been having writer's block as of late. I need someone (or more than one person would be great) to edit this. Please?
Enjoy, Sorry about how late it was but a promise is a promise (and a procrastinator is a procrastinator
).
Elly
Enjoy, Sorry about how late it was but a promise is a promise (and a procrastinator is a procrastinator
).
Elly
14-Apr-2009 01:10:57
>>he<<< closed the man’s eyes, feeling the moisture from his tears still on his face, trapped in the deep creases.
Ought to be obvious XD.
He dug a shallow grave and took the picture from the man>>, the man’s name had been Frederick,<< John felt it was his obligation to deliver the news to the relatives.
A comma isn’t strong enough punctuation to link the clauses. I would suggest replacing both commas with dashes and a conjunction after the latter dash, or possibly a semicolon where the first comma is, and a period where the second is.
Other than that, it looks pretty sound
Ought to be obvious XD.
He dug a shallow grave and took the picture from the man>>, the man’s name had been Frederick,<< John felt it was his obligation to deliver the news to the relatives.
A comma isn’t strong enough punctuation to link the clauses. I would suggest replacing both commas with dashes and a conjunction after the latter dash, or possibly a semicolon where the first comma is, and a period where the second is.
Other than that, it looks pretty sound
14-Apr-2009 23:18:05 - Last edited on 14-Apr-2009 23:18:29 by Dudeski
It's review tiiiiime. No, really!
Expect it within an hour or two, and if not by then, then tomorrow.
~
rbie
Expect it within an hour or two, and if not by then, then tomorrow.
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
15-Apr-2009 02:25:12 - Last edited on 15-Apr-2009 02:32:51 by Orbestro
Here is your review from Full Circle Reviews
Plot - 38/40
As everyone has said, the plot is engaging and well paced. There are some minor inconsistencies (and major ones) that I’ve taken off points for, but that’s about it.
Character - 30/35
You start off strong, but lose realism as the story progresses. Madly in love after a single, delirious conversation in the hospital? This relationship needs to develop – it would some nice depth to your story, to have them falling in love as they move from prison to prison. I also took off points for Lord Drakan and his wife… very weird.
Description - 29/30
Wow. Great. It fits well with the fast pace of the story, easily creating each scene as the characters whiz through. And it was more often than not done artfully – creatively! I loved it! Although, I found that characters which we see very little of – such as the Menaphite general – get more description than they are really worth.
Style - 21/25
This is a vague category, but it was overall good.
Mechanics - 18/20
Excellent. Not perfect, of course (I don’t’ think I’ve ever given a perfect score), but good.
TOTAL – 136/150, or 90%
Plot - 38/40
As everyone has said, the plot is engaging and well paced. There are some minor inconsistencies (and major ones) that I’ve taken off points for, but that’s about it.
Character - 30/35
You start off strong, but lose realism as the story progresses. Madly in love after a single, delirious conversation in the hospital? This relationship needs to develop – it would some nice depth to your story, to have them falling in love as they move from prison to prison. I also took off points for Lord Drakan and his wife… very weird.
Description - 29/30
Wow. Great. It fits well with the fast pace of the story, easily creating each scene as the characters whiz through. And it was more often than not done artfully – creatively! I loved it! Although, I found that characters which we see very little of – such as the Menaphite general – get more description than they are really worth.
Style - 21/25
This is a vague category, but it was overall good.
Mechanics - 18/20
Excellent. Not perfect, of course (I don’t’ think I’ve ever given a perfect score), but good.
TOTAL – 136/150, or 90%
Lorehound
through and through.
15-Apr-2009 04:01:57
(“>” indicates quoted text)
~ * ~
What I Did*’t Like
The Bandits in the desert, if the ones in your story are the same ones in game, don’t follow Zamorak. They don’t follow any God at all, and will attack anyone wearing religious regalia who enters their territory. If you are aware of this, and made the change intentionally, a character should point it out (“hanging a lantern on it*, it*s called) so an educated reader isn’t left wondering.
In Chapter 9, the Bandits immediately begin to taunt him about Rachel after Adam asks. My first question – how does Adam know they have her? And my second question, what did the Bandit see that led to the assumption that Adam and Rachel were close enough to allow the toying of emotions?
Okay. Rachel and her powers. How is it that she incinerates a Bandit with ease, but passes out while firing a single spell at the Giant Mole (who isn’t aggressive anyway
). Her back story is weak, and seems to contradict the rest of the action in the story.
> Pain seared in his leg where he had just suffered a terrible burn from being near those flames.
This is an example of a sentence which is worded complexly, unnecessarily. It could say the same thing with “Pain seared in his leg from a terrible burn.” – it’s a very safe assumption that the burn is from the flames, and doesn’t need to be pointed out. It shouldn’t be pointed out, actually, if it makes a sentence clunky, like this one.
~ * ~
~ * ~
What I Did*’t Like
The Bandits in the desert, if the ones in your story are the same ones in game, don’t follow Zamorak. They don’t follow any God at all, and will attack anyone wearing religious regalia who enters their territory. If you are aware of this, and made the change intentionally, a character should point it out (“hanging a lantern on it*, it*s called) so an educated reader isn’t left wondering.
In Chapter 9, the Bandits immediately begin to taunt him about Rachel after Adam asks. My first question – how does Adam know they have her? And my second question, what did the Bandit see that led to the assumption that Adam and Rachel were close enough to allow the toying of emotions?
Okay. Rachel and her powers. How is it that she incinerates a Bandit with ease, but passes out while firing a single spell at the Giant Mole (who isn’t aggressive anyway
). Her back story is weak, and seems to contradict the rest of the action in the story.
> Pain seared in his leg where he had just suffered a terrible burn from being near those flames.
This is an example of a sentence which is worded complexly, unnecessarily. It could say the same thing with “Pain seared in his leg from a terrible burn.” – it’s a very safe assumption that the burn is from the flames, and doesn’t need to be pointed out. It shouldn’t be pointed out, actually, if it makes a sentence clunky, like this one.
~ * ~
Lorehound
through and through.
15-Apr-2009 04:02:09
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