Page 7
> The buildings were composed of some kind of clay which seemed very ignorant of the sun and persisted in standing against nature.
I like the image you’re trying to make here, but the word choice makes it awkward sounding. Needs rewording.
> Rachel did not have sand on her mind as much as it was all around her.
Muddy wording, and the logic doesn’t work. I think what you meant to say was something along the lines of ‘Rachel was surrounded by sand as well, but did not mind as much, as she had been surrounded by it for a while now.* If that’s not what you meant to say, than this sentence *really* does need work
Page 8
> It has got to be the worst thing on Runescape; worse than zombies, worse than demons, worse than dragons.
You break tense here, and ‘got to be’ just sounds bad. Consider rephrasing.
Page 16
> Adam loathed this overindulgent man who lived in luxury while his guards made residence in a tent.
This sounds more look you putting words in his mouth, than Adam making an observation. Consider inserting ‘already’ before loathed, to help place his emotion within the action of the story.
> “Well I can’t save the world if I’m dead so just run!”
Rachel doesn’t know anything about his dream, so this would be a pretty awkward thing to say.
> A decadently armored man walked over to the two and they looked up hopefully, recognizing him as the general of the Menaphos army.
Should be Menaphos.
Page 20
> *but I could not help but to love someone so vampiric.
That’s not a very convincing reason… I’ll be frank, it sounds stupid.
> Adam saw sparks purple sparks dance about her head and felt a flash of thoughts enter his mind.
Sparks is repeated.
> Adam parried his longsword with his dagger, employing his great skill with a sword.
Stating that he has great skill with a sword is kind of irrelevant, seeing as Adam is using a dagger here…
~ * ~
> The buildings were composed of some kind of clay which seemed very ignorant of the sun and persisted in standing against nature.
I like the image you’re trying to make here, but the word choice makes it awkward sounding. Needs rewording.
> Rachel did not have sand on her mind as much as it was all around her.
Muddy wording, and the logic doesn’t work. I think what you meant to say was something along the lines of ‘Rachel was surrounded by sand as well, but did not mind as much, as she had been surrounded by it for a while now.* If that’s not what you meant to say, than this sentence *really* does need work
Page 8
> It has got to be the worst thing on Runescape; worse than zombies, worse than demons, worse than dragons.
You break tense here, and ‘got to be’ just sounds bad. Consider rephrasing.
Page 16
> Adam loathed this overindulgent man who lived in luxury while his guards made residence in a tent.
This sounds more look you putting words in his mouth, than Adam making an observation. Consider inserting ‘already’ before loathed, to help place his emotion within the action of the story.
> “Well I can’t save the world if I’m dead so just run!”
Rachel doesn’t know anything about his dream, so this would be a pretty awkward thing to say.
> A decadently armored man walked over to the two and they looked up hopefully, recognizing him as the general of the Menaphos army.
Should be Menaphos.
Page 20
> *but I could not help but to love someone so vampiric.
That’s not a very convincing reason… I’ll be frank, it sounds stupid.
> Adam saw sparks purple sparks dance about her head and felt a flash of thoughts enter his mind.
Sparks is repeated.
> Adam parried his longsword with his dagger, employing his great skill with a sword.
Stating that he has great skill with a sword is kind of irrelevant, seeing as Adam is using a dagger here…
~ * ~
Lorehound
through and through.
15-Apr-2009 04:02:41
