forums.rs

Forums

Sandstone

Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491

of 82
Caydock

Caydock

Posts: 6,279 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*drum roll* Okay! I've read it all now. :D I really enjoy it. :D And the occasional things you slip in... lol. "Prince John" The "Long Walk". XD But here's a few things I noticed.
The gargantuan castle touched the sky it seemed, and was a massive silhouette against the sky, eventually evaporating as it rose above the low hanging clouds.
~~~
Use of "sky" twice. Doesn't flow as well.
---
Adam smiled a, very demonic grin adorned his face ear to ear, showing off some pointed teeth.
~~~
Perhaps "Revealing" would be a better substitute for showing off?
And I don't think that comma is nessecary in that context. The sentence would sound better like-
Adam smiled, a very demonic grin adorning his face ear to ear, showing off pointed teeth. (Or something like that.)
---
John could feel Adam’s strong pulse from where he was, he was fine.
~~~
Doesn't flow well. Maybe-
John could feel Adam's strong pulse from where he was, and he knew Adam was fine.
---
Great job! I look forward with much eagerness to more!

14-Aug-2009 23:09:17

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
×××Part Three: As the World Burned×××
×Chapter 24×
×Varrock×
Adam’s black hair bounced against his forehead, the unkempt bangs almost reaching his eyes. Rachel walked on his right, his hand embraced in hers. John stood slightly behind and to the left of the pair, keeping a physical separation between him and them to reflect his emotional distance. John couldn’t help but feel attached to the two of them, they had practically risked their lives to come save him from his father. John turned his light grey eyes upon Adam, he respected Adam, as an equal of course, but he feared him too. The demonic soul fragment that Adam acted as a vessel for was incredibly volatile and dangerous. John had told Adam that Rachel would eventually have to find out, that Adam should just tell her instead of allow her to bear the pain of finding it out on her own. Adam hadn’t heeded his words in the slightest.
John realized he had been staring at the back of Adam’s head for five minutes, easily. He looked away, embarrassed even though neither of them had seen him, casting his glance down and to the left, focusing on walking more than thinking.
Adam was looking confidently ahead, very happy. He had been to Varrock before and the city was an economic and cultural center, a very interesting place. He had been here before and loved the big city, being so accustomed to the loneliness of travel and his childhood in the remote Seers’ Village. He had planned that they go to Varrock so they could stock up on supplies for their search for Zamorak.

15-Aug-2009 00:38:36 - Last edited on 15-Aug-2009 00:41:14 by NovelistElly

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The sun had risen in the east a couple hours ago and the first strong sunshine of the new day was filtering through the trees. The birds were hailing the new day with a chorus of chirps and a light breeze was blowing through the air. Varrock’s thick eastern wall stared at the trio edge on, the point where it met the southern wall still a ways in front of them. They were facing the southern wall as they walked up the road that led from the desert and Al-Kharid to Varrock. As they drew closer the eastern wall blocked out the slanted sunshine and blanketed them in shadow.
A guard appeared in the distance, hardly resembling a shapeless speck, but easy to distinguish because of his towering halberd. Soon the guard began to take shape and after five minutes of walking it was apparent that there was another guard as well, one for each side of the spacious eastern entrance of Varrock.
As Adam and company neared the gate both guards lowered their halberds. Sweat beads appeared on their faces, the lifetime of a guard is not a safe or a lengthy one. The guard on the left spoke in a frightened stutter, death looming on his mind, his fear visible in his eyes even through his helmet, “What is your business here travelers? Come to our city bearing peaceful intentions only or you shall not be allowed to pass.”
Adam looked at the guard, as innocent as could be and informed him that they had come to buy supplies and rest for their journey ahead. The guard on the left turned to his comrade and nodded. They lifted their halberds and allowed the group to pass into the city. The air of the industrially active city was heavy with pollutants and hard to put down for the first few breaths. Adam, Rachel, and John rested for a moment to acclimate to the foul city air.

15-Aug-2009 00:41:55

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Adam, still not quite so used to the city wheezed out a few words as he stood up, “We should get going, find a place to stay and a general store.” Adam extended his hand to Rachel who accepted his assistance to get up. John put his hands on his knees to brace himself and stood on his own, preferring to be solitary. They walked down the main road to the center of the city to ask for directions and were pointed to the Grand Exchange, the bustling economic center of Varrock. As they walked down the street children and parents wandered past, salesmen promoted their wares, hammers clanged on anvils and smoke wafted into the air from food, the city was like one big advertisement.
They reached the grand exchange and stepped inside, only to be blasted with thunderous noise from the hustle and bustle of stock brokers, salesmen, and adventurers as they all demanded attention among the massive crowd. Men and women dressed in every kind of attire from business suits to the pelt of a Kyatt wandered through the Exchange, searching for what they wanted. Adam shoved his way through the crowd to a teller and asked to access his bank over the noise.
“What!?” the teller responded.
Adam realized that speaking in an indoor voice would get him nowhere amongst this noise, “I would like to access my bank account!” he screamed above the noise.
“Yeah, sure!” the teller replied, “What would you like to withdraw?” she continued, still shouting.
“Umm, thirty thousand coins, runes, dragon dagger, rune armor set, no helmet please! Also boots, gloves, and a cape!” Adam shouted in return.

15-Aug-2009 00:42:24

Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491 Back to Top