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Sandstone
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491
“Sandstone”, by Elementsky21:
An Edition
Hello. I have just finished reading your story, Sandstone. In my following points, I will be addressing some of my thoughts and opinions regarding your story.
The most obvious mistake in your story was one which sadly plagued the entire piece. A punctuational error, I found at least twenty cases where it would be grammatically correct to change and over forty places where it would sound better if changed. The error that I found was that you do not utilize semi-colons and stops as is necessary.
Many writers do not fully understand the usage of semicolons and other forms of punctuation and therefore shy from using them. I, however, found that while this held true for some forms of punctuation—for example, you did not use a single colon in the entire 10,000 word piece whereas in my story, Lunar Eclipse, I used 15 in only 8,000 words—you do not necessarily prove incompetent in punctuation. I found thirty two uses of semicolons in your piece. Very few of these were used incorrectly and none to such an extent that I felt the need to cite it.
I think, therefore, that you simply do not understand the *full* limit of the stop in flow. Semicolons are, to be frank, the godsend of grammar; they let you elaborate on points without using a full-stop, but they also allow you to differentiate between clauses. Semicolons aid tremendously with improved flow because, unlike commas, they do not insinuate some form of halt or hesitation but do gesture towards the end of an idea. This is incredibly helpful in description: an element I noticed you trying to exaggerate in your story.
You, in Sandstone, use only 64.1% of the semicolons that I use in Lunar Eclipse, accounting for the difference in length and yet you use 78.4% of the commas that I use.
An Edition
Hello. I have just finished reading your story, Sandstone. In my following points, I will be addressing some of my thoughts and opinions regarding your story.
The most obvious mistake in your story was one which sadly plagued the entire piece. A punctuational error, I found at least twenty cases where it would be grammatically correct to change and over forty places where it would sound better if changed. The error that I found was that you do not utilize semi-colons and stops as is necessary.
Many writers do not fully understand the usage of semicolons and other forms of punctuation and therefore shy from using them. I, however, found that while this held true for some forms of punctuation—for example, you did not use a single colon in the entire 10,000 word piece whereas in my story, Lunar Eclipse, I used 15 in only 8,000 words—you do not necessarily prove incompetent in punctuation. I found thirty two uses of semicolons in your piece. Very few of these were used incorrectly and none to such an extent that I felt the need to cite it.
I think, therefore, that you simply do not understand the *full* limit of the stop in flow. Semicolons are, to be frank, the godsend of grammar; they let you elaborate on points without using a full-stop, but they also allow you to differentiate between clauses. Semicolons aid tremendously with improved flow because, unlike commas, they do not insinuate some form of halt or hesitation but do gesture towards the end of an idea. This is incredibly helpful in description: an element I noticed you trying to exaggerate in your story.
You, in Sandstone, use only 64.1% of the semicolons that I use in Lunar Eclipse, accounting for the difference in length and yet you use 78.4% of the commas that I use.
04-Feb-2009 04:15:27
Another thing that I noticed was that you did*’t use the word ‘then’ correctly in all situations. Remember that ‘then’ is used to describe a sequence of events: “I went to the RuneScape site and then I went to the forums”. ‘Than’ is used as a leading superlative to describe or infer comparison: “I like the forums more than the game”. This is a useful tip because it helps you to seem just a little bit above the average poster in terms of quality. This is really useful in attracting audiences.
I also noticed that though you liked to describe, you also liked to use pronouns. While this is a perfectly acceptable thing, I must advise you against making a habit of overusing pronouns. Similar to the passive voice, pronouns make your point unclear and make your reader think. As a basic rule of thumb, if your reader has to think, they’ll be bored. If they want to think, they’ll be interested. If you replace a few of your ‘he’s with names and ‘his’ with possessives, I’m sure that it’ll turn out better.
This is not necessarily an error, but just something that I find works.
The only other thing I have to comment about in terms of things I’d prefer changed is the separation of chapters: your chapters are all scrunched together. I suggest that you put at least five spaces (press the enter button five times) after each chapter. Once gets you to a new line, twice to a new paragraph, three times for a mood change, four times for a scene change, so it would make sense for five to be a chapter change. =)
This, combined with a universal chapter title decoration, would make reading just a little bit easier, when you have to read the story in separate bundles. Again, this isn’t really an error, but just something that I think will help your story.
I also noticed that though you liked to describe, you also liked to use pronouns. While this is a perfectly acceptable thing, I must advise you against making a habit of overusing pronouns. Similar to the passive voice, pronouns make your point unclear and make your reader think. As a basic rule of thumb, if your reader has to think, they’ll be bored. If they want to think, they’ll be interested. If you replace a few of your ‘he’s with names and ‘his’ with possessives, I’m sure that it’ll turn out better.
This is not necessarily an error, but just something that I find works.
The only other thing I have to comment about in terms of things I’d prefer changed is the separation of chapters: your chapters are all scrunched together. I suggest that you put at least five spaces (press the enter button five times) after each chapter. Once gets you to a new line, twice to a new paragraph, three times for a mood change, four times for a scene change, so it would make sense for five to be a chapter change. =)
This, combined with a universal chapter title decoration, would make reading just a little bit easier, when you have to read the story in separate bundles. Again, this isn’t really an error, but just something that I think will help your story.
04-Feb-2009 04:18:47
Hehe, Elly, I caught up.
Pretty good so far - loving the descriptions.
Haha, some notes, as always.
"daylight feebly crept between iron bars."
~daylight crept feebly between iron bars.
"now called home."
~Unless they've been there for 10 years, nobody would address, or imagine a cell as their home. The cell currently only serves as a practical home, but I would not consider Adam to treat the cell as his home though - that just seems to say he is eager to be imprisoned.
"labor."
~American spelling
"Water had been provided to them only as much as could keep them barely alive"
~This is awkward. Especially the 'could keep them barely alive' bit. For better vocabulary, you may also consider the word 'sustain'.
"wishing they were dead like the rest of the prisoners."
~This shouldn't be the part of the last sentence. Maybe make this a stand alone sentence? 'They wished they were dead...'
Note: But you just told us the other prisoners were yelling to be released ... so they aren't dead...
"through her hair, a vain attempt to comfort her."
~I think it's better if you say 'through her hair in a vain attempt...'
Note: You could be delving into more thoughts of Adam and Rachel at this point. Are they pesstimistic? Are they regreting? It's a bit ambiguous at the moment.
"making his head spin so he leaned "
~making his head spin and so he leaned...
"Guards, at least twenty, the door was silently unlocked so the guards could violently awaken Adam and Rachel and separate them into two different mines below the mountain."
~Revise this sentence.
"Adam saw sparks purple sparks"
~
Note: This piece needs more emotion and thoughts.
Hope you enjoy!
Pretty good so far - loving the descriptions.
Haha, some notes, as always.
"daylight feebly crept between iron bars."
~daylight crept feebly between iron bars.
"now called home."
~Unless they've been there for 10 years, nobody would address, or imagine a cell as their home. The cell currently only serves as a practical home, but I would not consider Adam to treat the cell as his home though - that just seems to say he is eager to be imprisoned.
"labor."
~American spelling
"Water had been provided to them only as much as could keep them barely alive"
~This is awkward. Especially the 'could keep them barely alive' bit. For better vocabulary, you may also consider the word 'sustain'.
"wishing they were dead like the rest of the prisoners."
~This shouldn't be the part of the last sentence. Maybe make this a stand alone sentence? 'They wished they were dead...'
Note: But you just told us the other prisoners were yelling to be released ... so they aren't dead...
"through her hair, a vain attempt to comfort her."
~I think it's better if you say 'through her hair in a vain attempt...'
Note: You could be delving into more thoughts of Adam and Rachel at this point. Are they pesstimistic? Are they regreting? It's a bit ambiguous at the moment.
"making his head spin so he leaned "
~making his head spin and so he leaned...
"Guards, at least twenty, the door was silently unlocked so the guards could violently awaken Adam and Rachel and separate them into two different mines below the mountain."
~Revise this sentence.
"Adam saw sparks purple sparks"
~
Note: This piece needs more emotion and thoughts.
Hope you enjoy!
04-Feb-2009 17:43:08
Page 26 bump
11-Feb-2009 17:36:36
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