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Orcris

Orcris

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Not bad action at all, no R.A. Salvatore but I wouldn't expect that anyway. Good balance between detail and action. It captured the quickness at which a battle would actually happen but gave enough detail to allow the reader to picture everything very accurately. I don't really think you could have done any better with this particular scene, at least with the way it happened. In a fight where the opponents are near equal and things draw out a bit longer I believe it important to allow the reader to have an idea of the flow of battle, like how things are speeding up or slowing down, footwork, and maybe even the sounds each person is making(yelling, grunting, just breathing hard, such things as that). This is of course a suggestion, I'll leave you to your own writing until I manage to get a book published(ha), then I'll feel like I am actually entitled to true opinion on the matter.
As for what happened, that seems awfully suspicious to me. The Zamorakians happen to find him when the guy said they would and he also happened to be there. I can see him being there no coincidence, but he could have easily been the one to let them know his location. In fact with his impressive prowess he very well conjured an illusion.
Oh, and I must ask. Are you going to continue the black pentagram?
~Orcris~
~Est sularis oth mithas~
~Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality~
~Who I am is not important, my message is~

01-Jan-2010 20:05:41

Dantalian

Dantalian

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Glad you liked it, and I'll keep your advice in mind.
And yes, it does seem suspicious doesn't it? "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

05-Jan-2010 00:08:36

Dantalian

Dantalian

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Alex stood on deck and stared off at the horizon. They had passed beyond the sight of Ardougne before midday, and now that night had fallen, sat anchored off the western coast of Karamja. Dinner had long passed and most people were now asleep, but Alex, still filled with excitement at the days events had not managed to get to sleep, and finally decided to come up to the deck and look at the stars.
"Beautiful night, eh?" someone asked.
Alex turned to find himself facing a boy with silver white hair and red eyes, dressed in an dirty worn outfit.
"Who are you?" Alex asked.
"Me name's Aion," said the boy, "I'm Naudos' cabin boy."
Alex looked at the boy in shock; Aion was clearly younger than Alex by at least a couple years.
"Why would someone your age become cabin boy to a bunch of pirates?" Alex wondered aloud.
Aion grinned and replied, "Well, gotta put grub in me belly one way or another don't I? And pirates are nicer to their own than merchants or the navy. A cabin boy has a chance to gain a pretty penny when trafficking with the former, not with the latter two. Besides that, Naudos and his crew ain't your normal pirates."
"What about your parents?" asked Alex, "Are they okay with having a young son aboard a pirate ship?"
"Ain't got none," replied Aion, "Me parents died when I still small. Had to live off the street, I did. Learned to steal and kill for food. Thought I'd have to live like that for the rest of me life. Then Naudos offers me a job as cabin boy; safer then what I been doing, plus more steady pay. So I take him up on his offer."
Alex's eyes widened. He had long been aware that there were kids living on the streets, and, in the fashion of the adults around him, had believed they were 'greedy good-for-nothings who broke the law for extra money and pleasure. Never before had it occurred to him that those dirty kids he saw running around in Ardougne's marketplace might have been stealing solely to survive. "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

05-Jan-2010 00:10:56

Dantalian

Dantalian

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"What 'bout you?" asked Aion, breaking Alex's line of thought, "You got parents right? Why they letting you on a pirate ship?"
"I have a mom at least," said Alex, "And this is something I've wanted to do for a while... to have an adventure, she let me go because she knew I wanted to."
Aion looked at Alex, wide-eyed, then said, "Must be nice for you not-poor people, being able to risk your lives at leisure."
"Leisure?" asked Alex.
"Yep," replied Aion, "People like me, the crew, we risk our lives, and some like the thrill, I wager, but we not got a choice, it's this or starve. We'd just like to have a chance to fight death rather than give in to 'im, that's why we do this stuff. But you, you not need to risk your life, you could stay at home, live in peace, always have food for your belly, yet you're going out and risking your life for fun... that's leisure. Well, anyway, I'm on night watch so you let me know if you need anything, savvy?"
"Um, sure," said Alex.
"Good," said Aion. He paused, then added, "Oh, and between you and me, keep your distance from that Skad guy, he scary..."
Aion pointed, and Alex suddenly realized that another person was on the deck, covered in a grey cloak and leaning against the main mast. The realization that someone had been sitting there without being noticed sent shivers up Alex's spine.
"Well, later then," said Aion, scampering off.

A few minutes later, Aion was sitting in Naudos' cabin, sipping a cup of tea.
"Well, you seem to be doing a good job," laughed Naudos, "My crew says you blend in just like a real cabin boy... If you ever feel like changing professions, mayhaps I can offer you a job."
"How amusing," said Aion, "A devil, actually employed as a cabin boy on a human pirate ship. It would certainly fit into the Saradominist view of the world, wouldn't it?"
"Indeed it would!" replied Naudos, "Anyway, Aion, you having any problems adjusting with the pirate life?" "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

05-Jan-2010 00:12:55

Dantalian

Dantalian

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"Only one," answered Aion, "I sometimes find it hard to keep up the pretense that my speech is bereft of any grammar whatsoever. I've had plenty of time to get your human languages down, and saw to it that I did so correctly... Unfortunately, this makes me tend toward proper grammar, which is of course unfitting for a street rat turned pirate."
"Speaking of which," said Naudos, "I complement you on the creation of that persona. It has been executed with an amazing skill, should I not have known you to be one of Lady Nychta's servants, I would assume you to be a former street urchin as you have convinced our guests."
"Thank you, captain," said Aion.
"Actually, I have been wondering something," commented Naudos.
"Yes?" said Aion.
"How old are you, really?" asked Naudos.
"Guess," replied Aion.
"One hundred?" asked Naudos.
"You’re far too low," replied Aion.
"Five hundred?" asked Naudos.
"Better, but still a long way to go," replied Aion.
"You can't be... one thousand, could you?" asked Naudos.
Aion began laughing. "To you humans, who live but a short while, the concept of a thousand years seems great doesn't it? I have been alive for over two millenia."
Seeing the look of shock on Naudos' face, Aion added, "You think that is great, do you? The oldest of us devils is nearly one hundred ninety-eight millenia old. And our race is fairly young, the oldest of the dragon-kind are nearly twenty-five million years old, and the oldest of the fae are five hundred million years old. And the oldest races; demons and malachim... are each over thirteen billion years old... Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?"
"I'm going to bed," announced Naudos, "Enjoy that night watch."
"Pleasant dreams," replied Aion. "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

05-Jan-2010 00:14:37 - Last edited on 09-Jun-2010 05:40:25 by Dantalian

Dantalian

Dantalian

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P.S.
I've been thinking about Black Pentagram for a while, An*u did have some good points about it... On top of that I don't know if I'll be able to update two stories while doing a 18-credit hour semester... We'll see what happens.
Incidentally, Kitty would like to speak with... err, communicate with you.
And finally, this week will be the last week with a regularly scheduled Thursday add, starting next week, there will be one add on Monday (except on special occasions, which will be mentioned.) "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

05-Jan-2010 00:18:34

Dantalian

Dantalian

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In the Coven's fortress, a woman clad in dark robes that were traced in green stared intently at a large basin of water.
"Is something the matter, Odilia?" asked the Coven Master, materializing behind the basin.
"Perhaps," replied the lady staring at the basin. "There are five ships rapidly approaching our group."
"How can that be?" asked the Coven Master, "The Tempest is the fastest ship that has ever built."
"It appears," replied Odilia, "That the current and wind are both favoring the pursuers, while actively impeding the Tempest's progress..."
"So Guthix's followers noticed our move," mused the Coven Master, "And of course, do not wish for something as powerful as the Monolith to be recovered... A minor setback to our plans. Let us see how skillful Irfan was at his selections. Odilia, keep me informed of the battle that will inevitably occur."
Odilia nodded and replied, "As you wish."

"Captain!" shouted one of Naudos' crew, "Five ships approaching stern-side."
"Out here?!" demanded Naudos, "This be sea beyond any navy's reach."
"They're making good speed captain!"
"Who in Zamorak's name are these curs?" muttered Naudos.
"Guthixian Void Knights, it appears," said Aion, appearing at Naudos' side, "And it appears they have a powerful Earth Wizard with them... not that such a thing will help them much if we take care of them here... Captain, shall I participate in the coming battle?"
Naudos grinned, "Nah, me crew will enjoy this game, you be a good cabin boy and see to their needs."
"As you command," said Aion, vanishing as he did so.
"Alright you sea dogs, I want all hands on deck! Hurry now, we've got five ships to sink, and our enemies are well trained! No mistakes allowed!" shouted Naudos, "Alright dogs, to your places!"
"What's going on up here?" asked Alex, walking up from the hold.
"Sea battle, landlubber," replied one of the pirates, "You should stay in the hold and let us handle this." "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

08-Jan-2010 17:02:45

Dantalian

Dantalian

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"We can help too," said Jen.
The pirate shrugged, "Alright, whatever, just make sure you don't get in the way."
"Of course," replied Jen. Moments later several splashes could be heard coming from one side of the ship. "What was that?" she asked, concern visible on her face.
"Ah, lass, that be the suicide squad; Naudos' sharks. They'll make short work of our little enemies, we may not need to fight after all."

"Lord Dentro," said one of the Void Knights, "We've made good time, and are now within sight of the enemy, we should soon be able to attack."
"Excellent news," said the old, cloaked man, "Have our troops ready to fight."
"This seems a bit unmatched," sighed Chris as he looked at the single opposing ship.
"All the faster for us to finish up and head home," replied Dentro, "At any rate, we should prepare for battle, soon we will be within range and-"
Dentro was interrupted by shouts coming from one of the other ships.
"What's going on?!" demanded the old man.
"You're lordship," said one of the Void Knights, "One of the ships has sprung a leak, it's filling with water even now."
"Sprung a leak?" questioned Chris, "I was told these ships were in excellent condition."
The Void Knight looked uncomfortable, "They were, something must have happened, a rock must have struck or something of such sort."
"How bad is the leak?" asked Dentro.
"We don't know," replied the Void Knight, "But the hold is already filling with water and..."
"A second ship is taking water, and the enemy ship has turned and is heading for us top speed!" shouted another Void Knight.
"Turn the undamaged ships to port!" shouted Dentro, "Have our cannon crews at the ready!"
A few moments passed before another shout rang out, "We can't mi'lord, our rudders seem to have been damaged!"
"Our rudders too?" asked Dentro, "This seems almost like..."
"Mi'lord, a third ship is taking water!"
"What in Guthix's name?!" asked Dentro. "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

08-Jan-2010 17:04:45 - Last edited on 09-Jun-2010 23:35:48 by Dantalian

Dantalian

Dantalian

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At that moment, the Tempest reached firing range, swerved quickly to the side and let out a volley of cannon fire, striking the two seaworthy ships in the Void Knight's fleet.

Nearby to the Void Knight's fleet, a pirate stuck his head up from under the sea's surface. "Alright boys," he whispered, "The Cap'n's arrived, so we should have cover fire, let's get the fourth ship, then focus on the flagship."
"Aye, aye," replied the other pirates.
The group of pirates ducked under water and swam under the helm of one of the two seaworthy ships before each took out a pair of hatchets and began hacking away at the ship's underside. Within moments several gaping holes had been made and water began to gush into the ship's hold. Satisfied with their work, the pirates moved next to the final ship of the Void Knight's fleet, and repeated the process.

"Mi'lord!" shouted one of the Void Knights, "We've begun to take water!"
"I see," said Dentro, "Give me but a moment." With that, the old man shut his eyes and the whole ship began to glow with green light.

"Dax!" shouted one of the pirates, "The enemy's flagship has been repaired! And not just the holes we made; the rudder's been repaired too, as have the holes made by our ship's cannons."
The apparent leader of the group whistled. "That's some magic they have going for them there. Oh well boys, continue hacking away at that ship, it's gotta break eventually."

"That ship's repairing itself," muttered Skad.
An unearthly voice filled Skad's head -AN EArth wIZARd is aBOARd, and IS REpairING It. kilL HIM and tHE SHip wiLL FAll.-
"Sounds like fun," said Skad, "Here we go."
Getting up speed, Skad jumped from the pirate ship and landed directly on the deck of the Void Knight's flagship.
Seeing Dentro, he laughed. "So... you're that Earth Wizard, huh? Prepare yourself!" "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

08-Jan-2010 17:06:04

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