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Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

How did I not notice this sooner? I have work to do!
(better late than never)

First post of Chapter 11 has good descriptions and imagery. But, I don't know if I said this earlier, you do use the word “actually” quite often. In paragraph four it is used twice, no big deal, but I kinda have a recalling bell about that word.

Seems to be something about the Life Rune. If I recall correctly, it was supposed to be put in RSC for summoning but didn't make it.

Page 42, post 9 (fourth post of chapter 11), second last sentence,
“its fangs bear and ready to kill.*
Do you mean “fangs bare”?

And a Talon Beast kills Lanius.

“It was a horrific sight, one that would make any person run with a cold chill.”
To make this kind of scene more effective, I'd suggest more description, especially with the elements you used early in this chapter. For example, I'd do:
The streets were lined with the dead on both sides, the corpses simply pushed aside enough for one to walk along the road dotted with puddles of blood. Crows fluttered about, looking for an easy meal, the dead who wore reasonable equipment picked clean of their armour and weapons. So much blood ran in the streets that you could not see the cobblestone, it was beneath the blood. No matter where you stood, you were always ankle-deep amongst corpses and the fluids flowing out their torn bodies.

“He wore a sword on his back, but it was no ordinary blade. It was a katana, concealed in a iron casing with a tanned leather inlay. For the most part, the blade was hidden underneath his Inverness cape. The end of the sheath and the handle of the blade was all that could be seen.*
You can't unsheathe a sword if the sheath is down your back; if yo try, the tip will still be in the sheath. A short sword might have worked, though.

27-Sep-2013 10:26:41

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Resistance-stuff, guy wants to join later.

“The path of an invisible pencil then sketched a gentle smile upon the young girl's face.”
Good sentence.

“Her hands were bowled, in the center of her joined hands was a small pendant. It was a sliver of that adamas crystal. It was a lime green, an exceptionally rare color for the adamas to appear in.”
Yes! So much better than emerald green.

“That purple dragon”
...Spyro?

“when I do find Lucia, I'm gonna kill her for what she did to my sister. Then I'm gonna kill you for what you did to my brother.”
Good dialogue here, much better than, say, what the katana-guy said when he strangled the boy.

“With Thor's hammer slamming with such thunderous power”
Wasn’t Thor’s hammer made from a collapsing star? Well, if that’s the case, a supernova would be more than enough to wipe out a solar system.

Lucia is dealt with.

Gallows’ gets into some trouble.

Soter arrives, do I recall him from somewhere?

Well, that’s all for now. Too bad I don’t fully remember the story prior to this chapter. Despite being over a month late, at least I read the latest chapters.

27-Sep-2013 10:26:52

Jun

2008

Seph

Posts: 2,257 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Well, this guy's about as cheery as a graveyard.

Azigarath said :

“He wore a sword on his back, but it was no ordinary blade. It was a katana, concealed in a iron casing with a tanned leather inlay. For the most part, the blade was hidden underneath his Inverness cape. The end of the sheath and the handle of the blade was all that could be seen."
You can't unsheathe a sword if the sheath is down your back; if you try, the tip will still be in the sheath. A short sword might have worked, though.
I'd assume that the main reason for carrying around a weapon on one's back is for easier traveling. Besides, if you plan on nitpicking with the whole 'weapons worn on back' cliche, don't you have thousands of other sources of media to choose from? I mean, honestly, you have some valid points, but THIS is the problem you bring up? Weapons-on-back isn't realistic, but it's so prevalent in modern fantasy media that even commenting on it is meaningless.

I was hoping for better banter from you.

~ Seph,
the World Guardian
"How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real?" -Jaden Smith

27-Sep-2013 11:17:09

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Here I expected you to come in at the end. Hmm.

"But, I don't know if I said this earlier, you do use the word “actually” quite often. In paragraph four it is used twice, no big deal, but I kinda have a recalling bell about that word."

No, you didn't. I realize I recite the same words a lot. It's a rather annoying habit of mine. xD Both in writing and even when I talk. Just something that I do. If it's a problem, sadly it's just one you'll have to deal with.

"Page 42, post 9 (fourth post of chapter 11), second last sentence,
“its fangs bear and ready to kill.*
Do you mean “fangs bare”?"

Yeah, probably. xD

"I'd suggest more description, especially with the elements you used early in this chapter."

I appreciate your advice, but there's no need to give me your example of what a 'good' description is. I can imagine it myself if I put enough effort into it. But really, I'm still growing. I haven't been doing this very long, heck I just got to about five years. While I realize that that isn't a valid excuse for lazy sentences, it's the only one I can offer. Though I'll be sure to redeem myself soon. I hope. O_o

I've been rereading through this story, editing dialogue to better fit characters and switching it from present-tense to past-tense. I know that there was so much more that I could've done at certain scenes. And if I could, I'd definitely go back and fix them. But I can't, thanks to the character limits.

But all in all, you're right. I could've done it much better. But I don't need you to, not only tell me that, but to give an example of what you'd do. As much as I admire your ability to write, it was just completely unnecessary of you to do that. While I acknowledge your intention was to only help, part of me couldn't help but to take it as you flexing your muscles and one-uping me. Of course, I realize that that isn't very hard given that it's a pretty lazy sentence. But still... perhaps that part of me-
The end

is only

the beginning...

27-Sep-2013 16:51:28 - Last edited on 27-Sep-2013 22:28:52 by Serene End

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

-was just my less resilient, more easy to jump-to-conclusions side. Like I said, I know that that was absolutely not your intention. I know you were only trying to help and I appreciate it so much. But sometimes less is more, y'know? But nevertheless, you are very right. Let me see what I can do about that...

Ahh, Seph. You didn't need to step in. xD But do refer to his post, that's basically what I'd say too. 'Cept I'd do it... more stupidly. o_o

"“Her hands were bowled, in the center of her joined hands was a small pendant. It was a sliver of that adamas crystal. It was a lime green, an exceptionally rare color for the adamas to appear in.”
Yes! So much better than emerald green."

Well, lime's a bit different from emerald. o_o Lime green was just the kind of color that fit the crystal's color. See, I can do different colors too!

"“That purple dragon”
...Spyro?"

H-how did you know!?

"“when I do find Lucia, I'm gonna kill her for what she did to my sister. Then I'm gonna kill you for what you did to my brother.”
Good dialogue here, much better than, say, what the katana-guy said when he strangled the boy."

Katana guy didn't kill the boy. o_o Katana guy was watching from afar.

Overall, I disagree but agree with what you've offered. But regardless, I thank you much for your time and for reading. I appreciate it.

…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
The end

is only

the beginning...

27-Sep-2013 17:01:00 - Last edited on 27-Sep-2013 22:31:11 by Serene End

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Well, this guy's about as cheery as a graveyard.”
Haha, that made me chuckle, that’s a good one. In a humorous way that is, not in a spiteful manner.

However, there is no bantering, and to think so is to be presumptuous, I did not type anything to offend or harass, it’s there to offer proof of my reading the latest chapters (as well as provide more stuff to read and think about, I’m not trying to force anyone to type how I want to). At the end of my paragraph you quoted, I did say a short sword may have worked, as long as the arm is longer than the blade that is. You seem to have overlooked the positives I had, focusing only on the thing you disagreed with, which is an unfair way to address the topic. I appreciate your acknowledgement of my valid points, whatever they may be, but to have hopes for me to banter better does not help me learn.

I will ignorantly presume you have not read my earlier critiques on Serene’s stories, which by far were much more provocative and thought-engaging than what I posted at 2:30 AM for the two chapters. I do agree with you that a sword could be “worn” on the back for easier travel, as all greatswords of all cultures could be slung over the shoulders but it wouldn’t need a sheathe; it’d just get in the way, and it’d be difficult to sheath. Since most ordinary swords weighed no more than three pounds, wearing a regular sword on the hip really doesn’t interfere with traveling.

Serene and I (and some other authors in the SD) have already had quite a few discussions about “fantasy vs. realism” and I do accept your point of view on it, but this is not an argument that any side is going to win. I love fantasy myself, my own stories have monsters and otherworldly aspects, but I wish to encourage a further understanding to avoid clichés.

28-Sep-2013 00:42:31

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Nevertheless, modern fantasy is not much more than creative ignorance, and for an industrious artist, overcoming ignorance is progress, far better than to remain stagnant, but maybe I do push it too often, but more knowledge complements creativity, after all. I just want to share what I know, I certainly would never demean the qualities of creativity.

Well, onto Serene...

“No, you didn't. I realize I recite the same words a lot. It's a rather annoying habit of mine. xD Both in writing and even when I talk. Just something that I do. If it's a problem, sadly it's just one you'll have to deal with.”
It’s not a problem, I have the exact same problem myself. Whenever I criticize something, it is often a direct reflection about myself, so I can find issues because I have them myself aplenty.

I said,
"I'd suggest more description, especially with the elements you used early in this chapter."

“I appreciate your advice, but there's no need to give me your example of what a 'good' description is. . . . But I don't need you to, not only tell me that, but to give an example of what you'd do. . .”
I agree, having remembered reading all your other stories, it should have crossed my mind you’re capable of “good descriptions” for a long time, I think I owe you an apology for that. You certainly will be able to outperform yourself soon, it usually happens on within the fifth year, well that’s how it was for me. Worse than that, my own syntax is still rather poor.

That one moment when something completely different pops in your head...
Oh, maybe the sight of gems could refresh my memory?

28-Sep-2013 00:43:17 - Last edited on 28-Sep-2013 00:43:48 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I said,
“Good dialogue here, much better than, say, what the katana-guy said when he strangled the boy."”

“Katana guy didn't kill the boy. o_o”
lol, woops...

You’re welcome, I do what I can! As always, you are allowed to disagree and disregard. Well, I suppose I could go look for thousands of other sources of media, but I prefer to limit my focus on the rarer types of artists who are worthy of respect.

28-Sep-2013 00:43:27

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Now, I'm one to let people have a heated discussion/argument to themselves. That's fine, but I do like to come in when there are points of which I disagree.

I acknowledge that longswords, Zweihänders, katanas, and what have you can't be sheathed on one's back. But I don't know, I like the idea of it. It's silly yes, but I like the idea of it. If I like it, why not have in a story? I know there's only so much you can throw under the "Oh, it's fantasy" blanket, but this goes under my previous explanation. It's fantasy for a reason, and that's the fun in it. Of course, I've taken everything you've said to heart and thought "You know what, let's give it a try. Why not smash the seriousness of reality with the lightheartedness of fantasy?"

But uh, yeah! I don't really think so seriously on little things like that. xD And I know Seph is the same way. You might not find it to be so small, being that it's a blade in question. But if we're going ultra-unrealistic combat, characters who dance rather than fight, (among the other silly things) why not? Perhaps the sheath could be a bit more wider to accommodate a katana worn on the back. Maybe you pull it out a specific way! No, I doubt those would work. xD But such things will be noted for future endeavors!

Anyway...

"It’s not a problem, I have the exact same problem myself. Whenever I criticize something, it is often a direct reflection about myself, so I can find issues because I have them myself aplenty."

Ah, good. I was worried for a moment there. xD But that's a good kind of critic, someone speaking from experience.

Since quoting the next portion of your reply would leave me with but a few characters, I'm just going to head off to the next post. Onward!
The end

is only

the beginning...

28-Sep-2013 18:24:28 - Last edited on 28-Sep-2013 19:07:55 by Serene End

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"I agree, having remembered reading all your other stories, it should have crossed my mind you’re capable of “good descriptions” for a long time, I think I owe you an apology for that. You certainly will be able to outperform yourself soon, it usually happens on within the fifth year, well that’s how it was for me. Worse than that, my own syntax is still rather poor."

Nah, not at all. You needn't do such things, your intentions were to only help, not hurt. Thinking about it, acknowledging your problem is always stepping you in the right *insert pun here* direction. Though it seems my lack of education does get the better of me at times. The sad thing is, I had to Google what a "syntax" is. xD Oho, that's something I'll need to work on!

Though still, I did enjoy reading your example. It was quite amazing, both in visuals and in wording. But now that I can look on the bright side of it, I have an example of a great visual description right here conveniently on my thread. xD Silver linings~ ^^

"That one moment when something completely different pops in your head... "

If only they happened more often!

Well, in any case, I once again thank you for taking time out of your life to reply. Goodness, if only I had a bit more humility back then to actually take the advice and assistance of others. But I guess better late than never, right?

Anyway, not sure if or when you'll read this. And if you do, GET SOME SLEEP. It's crazy that you're staying up until two o'clock and even further. For now though, farewell.

…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
The end

is only

the beginning...

28-Sep-2013 18:59:37

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