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Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
As black gives way to fiery bright,
green revealed before peaceful light.
Stand so tall the majestic yew,
shaking from its leaves the nightly dew.
Is:
as BLACK gives WAY to FI er Y bright,
GREEN re VEALED be FORE PEACE ful LIGHT.
STAND so TALL the ma JEST IC yew,
Shak ING from its LEAVES the NIGHT ly DEW.

You have here a weird assortment of verses, and, as you can hopefully see, it's inconsistent. Normally, it reads like this:
1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 1
1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2
1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2
1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 1
Yours reads like this:
1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 1
2 1 2 1 2 2 1 2
2 1 2 1 1 2 2 1
1 2 1 1 2 1 2 1 2
I don't know if this is helping, but the inconsistency of the flow makes the overall rhythm (and therefore the syllabic representation) seem awkward.
You, right now, have a system of abba going on: 9889. That's fine, you just have to get some form of ****istent verse going.
You're at a weird iambic pentameter (missing the second syllable of the final iamb) in the first line, and then you switch to a second epitratic in the first half of the second line and then switch from that in the same line, even.

18-Mar-2010 21:08:02 - Last edited on 18-Mar-2010 21:14:15 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A new poem and poet of the week are up! You should definitely read through both posts when you find the time, as both the poem and the poet are some of the best in all of history (as interpreted by some). :)

18-Mar-2010 21:18:07

Amoraten

Amoraten

Posts: 2,774 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yrolg a few points:-
1) Thank you for this wonderful thread and your response- everyone would benefit hugely from your expertise
2) Poetry has seemed to diminish my story telling skills (I think too much about every line I write rather than write freely when I write a serious story)
3) I find the use of syllables difficult to undersand in terms of Annabel Lee (I did try). English is my second language.
4) My starter poem on page five rhymes but the syllables are completely out of time? Please can you help
Thank you so much in advance

19-Mar-2010 01:00:03

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nguy4,
I was going to do Shakespeare next. ;)
I might use a Keats poem, though. He has such an interesting style. ;)
Amoraten,
ACK! I should've been more clear: I was addressing Tycoon Level. Your piece actually did have consistent verse. :) I would watch, however, your pronunciations. Vyrewatch's is about two syllables too many. ;)
I'd also work on making a more complicated verse or rhyme scheme, and then work on your structure and composition: they seem elementary right now, and that is poking through the overall impression of the poem.

19-Mar-2010 01:38:50 - Last edited on 19-Mar-2010 01:58:42 by Yrolg

2665

2665

Posts: 3,337 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Hate, I cannot take it
-I feel as if time has stopped for me
this pain will not subside
-the seconds aren't going by
I cannot feel anything anymore
My heart shrieks a death cry
God help me,
-I love no more

19-Mar-2010 04:40:59 - Last edited on 19-Mar-2010 04:48:37 by 2665

2665

2665

Posts: 3,337 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
To be insane, what a rush what a thrill
To pick up a knife and think of something to kill
To spin till your dizzy but still you don't stop
You throw up, no worries, you won't drop
Then to be sane the next second
Well as sane as I can be
To fool the masses
So I can roam free
My mind has no bonds
Nothing to hold it in place
Checking thought after thought
Sane I am not

19-Mar-2010 04:47:23

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