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2665,
Thanks for posting! If I may be honest, those poems sound more like lyrics to a song (perhaps contemporary new age rock or metal) than than a poem. Lyrical arrangements are definitely an interesting form of poetry, as they require more of the ear than of the mind. Personally, I am not a big fan, as I think that you can only truly appreciate them with the music (and, being on the forums, here I can't).
If you'd like to change your style into a more metrical, traditional form of poetry (traditional poetry is oxymoronic, eh?), I'd suggest unifying the stanzas into a single line length, adopting a consistent tone, and dropping the action for a more descriptive narration, if that makes sense. These, however, only need to be done for a different style from the one you're using: your current style is fine, if you prefer it.

19-Mar-2010 13:16:43

Thanks for the feedback . I've never really been good at more traditional poems, I always seem to feel constrained. It's as though I can't be creative. I have never really though about that going into song lyrics though.. hmm .
Don't think I'm just ignoring your advice, I'm just no good at writing poems like that .
Love,
2665
Rawr.

19-Mar-2010 13:58:24

Well, no one is good at the beginning. You have to practise and read and copy and practise some more.
If you feel too constrained, I really do encourage you to take on the poetic elements I have constantly suggested over this thread, and, if not these, at least the principle of economic description, and apply it to a free verse poem.
If you care to take a look at e e ********'s poem on the first page (anyone lived in a pretty how town), you'll see that e e (unfortunately the last name is censored ) wrote in free verse. In fact, he took free verse and applied his own thoughts to it: he created hundreds of styles for poems. It was said that every day for fourteen years he wrote a poem, in fact. :o
Perhaps this is a more appropriate approach: free verse allows you to convey your thoughts in a poetic manner whilst still maintaining the autonomy some need for creativity.

19-Mar-2010 20:02:52

Yrolg,
I'm afraid I'm slightly lost on the 1-2-1-2 beats I am supposed to follow. I would appreciate some clarification.
- Level -

19-Mar-2010 20:45:09

A 1 is unstressed a 2 is stressed. If you're looking for a pattern you should use, it doesn't really matter: as long as you're consistent. Simplicity is the greatest form of sophistication, so if you get it in disyllabic feet, it'd be best.

19-Mar-2010 20:54:50 - Last edited on 19-Mar-2010 20:55:46 by Yrolg

19-Mar-2010 21:02:35

19-Mar-2010 21:43:49

Yrolg, many thanks for the comments and also the feedback
I was thinking I could post the workings of the poem (which will be around 4000 words will start very simply (as you have mentioned) and expand upon more meters as the poem expands add more imagery and depth). The start of the piece is meant to seem very basic... (but you are correct! Vyrewatch's has too many syllables- soon remedied)
Or would it be best to post the finished piece?
PS I love your poet of the week and your update
I would love to suggest a few too suggested poets and poems of the week... (Porphyria's Lover by Browning)... wow so many to be honest

20-Mar-2010 03:23:21

Ah, the dramatic monologue. Nothing's quite like it, I think.
I'll take that into consideration: perhaps a Browning and Dr. Seus week? :p
I'd prefer you simply posted the poem once it's done, otherwise I can't give you feedback on the actual contents.

20-Mar-2010 03:43:01

Ooh I agree my favourite Browning poem!
I will post the final draft (time permitting in a few weeks)
Yrolg- thank you for this amazing thread and for your constructive comments in respect of the same
I hope you don't mind if I become a "regular" here

20-Mar-2010 03:52:19