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Nguy4

Nguy4

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I dug this poem up from last year. Just curious on what your feedback on this is Yrolg.

The Venus fly trapper sat lonely in the weeds,
Drinking sweet nectar of stolen
Deeds.
The red star in gloomy mud
Exuded luxruous foams of pallid
Blood.
Polaris clings on heavenly celiing
Leering the violent massacre
And feeling...
The same *ate I heed to call,
And befall.

21-Mar-2010 05:06:41 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2010 05:07:20 by Nguy4

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry this is so late -- I had an unexpected absence. :(
Nguy4,
Well, there was a typo (luxurious). I also thought that the pattern of rhythm was a bit irregular. The meaning itself is great because it's so ambiguous yet so clear. O_o Just what a poem should be!

25-Mar-2010 03:12:42

2665

2665

Posts: 3,337 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Haven't seen anything recently so here's one off the top of my head, don't know how good it will be.

Nothing to do.
A Sunday off.
Time for some fun.
But I'm stuck with this stupid cough.
My sickness is growing.
My illness is getting worse.
Please take me now god.
Next week I'll be in a hearse.

26-Mar-2010 02:42:55 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2010 02:43:41 by 2665

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hmm. I think I like this thread, there's some good poetry here. ^^
I hope you don't mind my posting some (or atleast one, for now):
"To a Good Friend"
A poem for you, through emotions blue
In nostalgic remembrence of all that you do
Where you stand, what you say,
when you break don't go away,
what you speak, makes you unique,
You'll come back together some day,
Heres a spiritual boquette, its
what you stake, not what you break,
and love for others around you,
that makes you who you are today, why
in joy, how others surround you.
Memories we don't forget,
A heart totally beset,
with kindness, and cordiality.
With thoughtfullness through casuality,
togetherness through duality,
forgiveness of brutality
lovelyness in reality,
friendliness with equality, and
greatness, in finality.

As always, criticism is appreciated. In the above, I know the rythm is kind of unsteady and changes, but it seemed empty without the end.

26-Mar-2010 05:25:17

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Also, I wanted to share this; It is my favorite poem ever.
Sorry for the layout, it messed it up when I posted it on here, and I can't fix it. x.x
When You're Lying Awake
From Iolanthe
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
When you’re lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo’d by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire—and the bedclothes conspire of your usual slumber to plunder you:
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles—so terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you’re hot, and you’re cross, and you tumble and toss till there’s nothing ’twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick ’em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eye-balls and head ever aching.
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you’d very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a steamer from Harwich—
Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very small second-class carriage—
And you’re giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of friends and relations—
They’re a ravenous horde—and they all came on board at Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Devon);
He’s a bit undersized, and you don’t feel surprised when he tells you he’s only eleven.
Well, you’re driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, the ship’s now a four-wheeler),

26-Mar-2010 05:28:57 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2010 05:29:34 by Logan Shafts

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And you’re playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";
But this you can** stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you’re as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they’ve somehow or other invested in—
And he’s telling the tars all the particulars of a company he’s interested in—
It’s a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from cough mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they were all vegetables—
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take off his boots with a boot-tree),
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they’ll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, and three corners, and Banburys—
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing—
You’re a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head’s on the floor, and you’ve needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg’s asleep, and you’ve cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that’s intense, and a general sense that you haven’t been sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it’s daylight at last, and the night has been long—ditto ditto my song—and thank goodness they’re both of them over!

I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did! Haha

26-Mar-2010 05:29:06 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2010 05:30:05 by Logan Shafts

Ladylurve

Ladylurve

Posts: 374 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'd like to share what I've written in lights of my farming pursuits. ^_^
IF
--
If only you knew
how the seconds were spent,
how each passing minute felt longer.
If only you felt
the rapid increment of boredom creeping
as i wait, and watch, and wonder...
If only you could
fend off diseases
free of weeds, trolls and pests,
then perhaps I could be happier.
If only you would
grow a littler faster...
sprout a little greater...
Wish you knew
Wish you felt what I feel.

26-Mar-2010 09:09:51

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you everyone for posting. ;)
It seems that lately I'm the only one posting responses (other than the faithful Amoraten), so I'm going to try and tone back my feedback. It doesn't seem fair that I'm shaping everyone's future in poetry; it's such a diverse art that I can no way be the only one to shape others' styles.
I hope that others can give some feedback soon. :)

26-Mar-2010 20:49:44

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