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Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Infinity4,

I always find it difficult to critique works by others that request “honest feedback.”

First of all, we each hear our own poetic voice, so if your poem came unforced and true to your poetic muse, then you did great and you can stop reading right here.

If you were really honest about hearing feedback and having flaws pointed out, then get ready to have a few flaws pointed out. I would urge you to seek other opinions, as there is nothing that makes me an expert critic.

I like the general idea, flow, and structure of the poem, however, much of it is merely a recitation of the God Wars Dungeon… and its denizens. Pay attention to your tenses, you switch back and forth, and there are some phrasings that might works better than the original is some places, as in:

Original: “Down deep, in the dungeon where the wars of the gods still fought on”
Suggestion: “In the dungeon depths where the wars of the gods once raged”

This would allow you to develop the continuation of the ongoing war theme, as the ice melts. I’d suggest, rather the tomb imagery, you might consider a prison image. They are, after all, not dead, but imprisoned in the ice. As, perhaps:

The frozen prison slowly melts
As it melts, countless figures begin to move, casting off their icy chains

There’s lots more… weapons “shine” (keep the tense), Aviantse fly, etc.
As always, the top 3 things you can do to improve your writing are:
Proofread, proofread, proofread!

AND… have someone who knows spelling and grammar proofread for you, too. Don’t complain about criticism; don’t grouse about them rubbing you the wrong way… we need constant rubbing if we are to ever get polished.

Good luck.

26-Jun-2013 08:06:09

Infinity Tao

Infinity Tao

Posts: 1,273 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the feedback, about time someone gave me some instead of going 'That's nice.' :P (Well, it happens far too common for my liking...) Yes, I understand how my writing style is.... well, confusing (Grammar and tenses). I'm ashamed since I'm British and I'm meant to have experience in writing, hmph. I'm also deaf so the written language doesn't flow properly for me but I'm happy to take feedback and improve on my skills further.

You've made reasonable points - at the time of writing, I wrote tomb instead of prison. I should've checked my lores and histories properly and correct my poem.

I agree with proofreading but I must confess - isn't it different per each proofreader? I've had a few friends to proofread for me and there were little changes. Does it depend on how developed your written language/proofreading skill is?

I also made other 'poems' including a short summary of the dragonkin journals from QBD, but I'm sure you and others aren't here to proofread for me. :P Just as long as you enjoy reading them, I'm happy with them.

Again, thanks for your feedback. I'll take a look at my previous poems and see if I can't correct/improve them.

26-Jun-2013 13:39:38 - Last edited on 26-Jun-2013 13:40:40 by Infinity Tao

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Infinity4,

Deaf, eh? Not necessarily a hindrance at all; Beethoven was also deaf when he created some of his most incredible work. You might even end up being much more precise than the vast majority who write by ear (often terribly). Rhyme and meter require a fair bit of precision, and both are easier now with online dictionaries AND rhyming dictionaries. Thus, with meter (for example), the arrangement of a line of poetry by the number of syllables and the rhythm of accented (or stressed) syllables is probably no harder for you than anyone else. At most, you are fighting an accent (a deaf-inate accent), but… so do the Welsh, the Scots, the folks from Cornwall, and most Americans. LOL!

Obviously, proofreading skills must be developed. The more you proofread, the better you get (usually). The admonishment to proofread, proofread, proofread was more for you; practice makes perfect. We authors and poets hear our works in our head, so we need to take special care to count syllables and verify rhythm. Tip: use proofreaders that think like editors, AND who are not afraid to red-line your best efforts.

I indicated to you that your basic idea, flow, and structure were good, and you’ve shown that you are already working to improve the technical aspects of your language, so I say: “keep at it.”

I do have some knowledge of what you are dealing with. Years ago, I came to know a beautiful epic poem by Theador Fontane. It was written in German. I decided that I wanted to share the poem (called Gorm Grimme) with the Runescape world… crafted as a poetic translation from the ancient Fremennik. If you speak German, you can look it up. Keeping the same meter, the same rhyme, the same story-line, and the same flow was a challenge. You know you did well if your poem delivers an emotional impact. Gorm Grimme is an epic poem, so it’ll be spread out over the next 2 posts. Enjoy.

27-Jun-2013 09:57:40

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Gorm Grymme

Poetic Translation: From the Ancient Fremennik by
Cigam_mai - August 18, 2010
With Thanks to Theador Fontane


King Gorm rules o’er the Fremennik land,
For thirty years, with might,
He rules with purpose, and steady hand,
But with age, his hair’s gone white,
White now's become the bushy brow,
Who’s scowl makes wild-men tame,
Grim: the only visage he’ll allow,
Gorm Grymme, therefore, his name.

And the Fremennik all see at the summer’s feast,
Beside Gorm, a vision of life,
He is the West, and she is his East,
Thyra Danabode, his wife;
Each silently takes the other’s hand
And they know without having to speak,
That their union is more than uniting the land,
Gorm Grymme, what makes you so weak?

At the end of the court at the end of the hall,
Is excitement; unfettered and wild
Young Darvald plays with the feathered ball,
Young Darvald, their only child,
His build is slim; though strong and lean,
Regal clothes of blue and white,
Young Darvald today is just fifteen,
He is the King’s delight.

They love him both; but a notion of fear
Comes over the queen that day,
Gorm Grymme, motions for all to hear,
And points at young Darvald to say,
And he stands to speak, - in his mantle of red,
The symbol of all his power:
"Whoever tells me 'my son is dead',
Will die... within the hour!"

And seasons change. Summer’s plain to see,
For springtime now has past,
Three hundred ships sail out to sea,
Young Darvald is at the mast,
He sails with the fleet, he sings a song,
A sword held fast in his fist,
Gorm Grymme watches the whole day long,
As sails dwindle into the mist.

(to be continued in next post)

27-Jun-2013 10:03:56 - Last edited on 27-Jun-2013 10:04:59 by Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Gorm Grimme (continued)

And seasons change. Grey autumn’s day,
As leaves fall from the tree,
Just three ships, slowly making their way,
Row homeward o’er the sea;
Veiled in black; at the end of the pier,
Young Darvald draws no breath,
Who will take the news to the King’s ear?
No one would seal his death.

Thyra Danabode runs to the pier,
She had seen the sails that day;
She speaks: "You needn’t fear
I will tell him in my own way."
Clouded in tears, and gasping for breath,
She takes off her royal ring,
Sadly donning a black dress of death,
And enters the Hall of the King.

Hung in the Hall, by the King’s command,
Tapestries of gold and red,
Black draperies, now, by her own hand,
The Queen hangs in their stead,
Twelve candles are lit; they give scant light,
Rubs ash in her golden hair,
She lays a shroud, the color of night,
Over young Darvald’s chair.

In walks Gorm Grymme. Soft his steps fall,
He walks as in a dream,
He stares the length of the mighty Hall,
The lights cast a ghostly sheen.
Gorm Grymme speaks: "The air here feels dead,
Let us go to sea and strand,
Fetch me my cloak of gold and of red
And let me have your hand."

She gave him a cloak, dark and gray,
It was not golden, not red,
Gorm Grymme sobs: "What none will say,
I speak it: 'He is dead.' "
He sinks to the floor, too weak to stand,
A chill wind blows about,
The king and the queen clutch each other’s hand,
The candles flicker out.

27-Jun-2013 10:04:10 - Last edited on 27-Jun-2013 10:12:58 by Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Deliverance often comes disguised as disappointment or rejection. It's only with time that you look back and say to yourself, "That was one of the most painful Blessings of my life." "
-- Paul Francis Lanier

This was my response:

Word’s Fiery Brilliance
by Cigam_mai -- July 4, 2013

Your Words, like brilliant fireworks!
Explosive wave startling my paralyzed heart!
Fiery brilliance illuminating my darkened soul!
Was it really THAT gloomy in here before Your Word?!?

07-Jul-2013 23:39:32 - Last edited on 07-Jul-2013 23:42:12 by Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lumbridge

by Cigam_mai -- July 27, 2013
(sung to Don McLean’s Vincent)

Lumbridge lies in ruin
Now become a battleground
Screaming with the silent sound
Of gods that join in battle once again

Smoke upon the hills
Overflow of battling wills
Source of all our human ills
In tears upon the desolated land

Now, I understand, what Guthix tried to say to me
And how he suffered for humanity
And how he tried to set us free
We would not listen, we did not know how
Perhaps we'll listen now

Flaming, flaming day
Fiery shards that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds of emerald haze
Reflect in clashing beams of red and blue

Striving of the gods
Battlefields of human pain
All because one god would reign
What matter that they win a ravaged land?

Now, I understand, what Guthix tried to say to me
And how he suffered for humanity
And how he tried to set us free
We would not listen, we did not know how
Perhaps we'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that fateful, fateful night
You gave yourself; the only thing to do
But I could have told you, Guthix
This world was never meant to live
As balanced as you do

Flaming, flaming day
Altars built for gods most high
Reckless gods who’d have us die
To tip their scales in ways they can't, as yet

Like the warriors that you’ve met
Though mighty sword and gleaming shield
Though valor on the battlefield
Lie crushed and broken on the plane of death

Now, I think I know
What Guthix tried to say to me
And how he suffered for humanity
And how he tried to set us free
We would not listen, we're not listening still
Perhaps we never will.

29-Jul-2013 11:19:46 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2013 09:46:04 by Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This poem was born of frustration while searching for a geocache at

N 33° 54.093 W 117° 50.547
(A Lot of Friends - GC2DNFP)


Uncovering Every New Leaf
by Cigam_mai -- August 4, 2013

Setting sun low in the sky
And though I stand here eye to eye
The gosh darn thing is hard to spy!

If I could just my brain unclog
And overcome this geo-fog
I'd love to sign the cache's log!

Ah... Found it!

07-Aug-2013 11:37:16

Cigam Mai

Cigam Mai

Posts: 1,781 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Fighting Yet Another Fire

by Cigam_mai -- August 26, 2013

Brought in to fight the blazing inferno
Of another out-of-control project.
I know
It takes my total commitment
All my dedication
If I am to succeed.

I will succeed
But August must fly by
Without distraction
Without a break.
Lacking any weekend respite
I often wonder
"What day is this?"

These days of August burn
Faster than
My tinder-dry Southern California hillsides.
My fire, too, is taking longer to control.
It looks like Labor Day
Will be
Exactly
That.

26-Aug-2013 11:14:19

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