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Kotane

Kotane

Posts: 7,110 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wow all of those poems are refreshing. I don't think I have ever tried free form peotry before. let me try.
aS i wAlk i see
You allowing me to become
a simple minded YOUng man.
pLeased, cOuld i dream?
is my simplicity Vain?
I dEfend MysElf, is what I see
enough?
this shielD hurts me.
am I awarE? What's there?
just a seed. but that sIghT
sends my Heart alight.
i cultivate the seed.
water it with dreams and plant it in hOpe.
i cUddle The sapling.
and i feed the tree.
i burY it On the grave.
Under my sentience.

12-May-2010 22:04:00

Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Xana:
I have said to before and I'll say it again: the descent into madness in whichever poem of yours it's in - I forget the name - is a wonderful idea. However, when read aloud it doesn't really sound very poetic at all, the rythm is odd and phoenetic sounds don't go very well. I've nothing against the concept, but I think the execution needs to be changed. Apart from that, your poetry is wonderful.
Sean:
Perhaps not limiting yourself to such a rhym scheme would add to the quality of the poem by opening up a wider range of potential words you could use. I found the rhyme scheme to be ABBAAAAAA before I stopped bothering. As a result, you ended lines with the words "love", "me" and "you" far too often, which defeats the purpose of rhyming.

12-May-2010 22:40:54 - Last edited on 12-May-2010 22:46:38 by Crocefisso

66FordBronco
Sep Member 2022

66FordBronco

Posts: 3,208 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
death has started is knocking at the door
what will happen when you breathe no more
will you be banshished to the caverns below
or will god graciously bestow
the key to his eternal city
or will he feel no pity
and lets you deepen the fall
to the devils horrific hall
were all you can see is black
and all you remember is jack
with nothing to live for
and no way to die
you walkin circles
with no end in means for
the rest of eternity
i dont do poetry well and got so lazy didnt rhyme last part but was bored so plz critizize and tell me any way to improve

14-May-2010 04:00:12 - Last edited on 14-May-2010 04:00:56 by 66FordBronco

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Everyone,
Hello. I will be giving feedback on your pieces soon, I hope. I've been incredibly busy these past few weeks and so my presence on this thread hasn't been what I would've liked. Although I could give feedback now, my responses would be curt, short, and uninsightful. I think that it would be better for both the authors and the readers if I only post my full responses when I have the time.
I thank you all for continuing to write even when I am not here; it shows that this institution is growing independent. This, in my eyes, is a symbol of relative success. :)

Crocefisso,
Hello. I dislike the idea of guilds, as I believe they innately corrupt the purpose of literature. Whereas the arts exist to be free and inspired, guilds impose a sort of regulation upon creativity. Although some are capable of offering a feeling of community, I think that this is far outweighed by the decrease in productivity, enjoyment, and success. I will not sanction any poetry guild made.
I do think, however, that we cannot ignore the interest that the community has in poetry, and this is why I first created this thread. Throughout the years I've been in this forum, a few threads have popped up now and again - - mainly guilds and their subsidiaries -- that attempt to collate poetic talent and to concentrate it so that the improvements may be as vast as possible. This thread was made partly for that effect; I wanted everyone to be able to improve as efficiently as possible.
The other reason I created this thread was that I wanted people to know that it's alright to post poems in this forum; I wanted to build a congenial relationship with the budding and blossoming poets, as well as the plant seeds for future generations.
In my view, this thread is as much a guild as any self-proclaimed guild may be. The only benefit that we have is that we haven't labeled ourself, and, so, we are free to do whatever is in our best interests, individually and as a community. :)

14-May-2010 04:37:02

Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-*-Legacy of the Mora-*-
49-50-287-60778641
Is awaiting YOUR kind donations of verse.
In return for donating, you shall get:
~Poetic kudos
~An overwhelming sense of satisfaction
~A smiley :)
Come on, who wouldn't contribute?

16-May-2010 19:50:21

Kotane

Kotane

Posts: 7,110 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
DIREFOX, there are a couple of things i want to point out.
The first line, "death has started is knocking at the door."
Needs a comma after is probably to flow better.
The second line is a question. needs a ?.
You spelled banished wrong in the third line.
need apostrophes in let's and devil's. You could put the one after walkin' to give it a style or change to walking.
I don't think periods are needed very much, and i like the fact that nothing is capitalized. Kinda like the thoughts of a dying man.
Now for the good stuff. Most of your rhymes are good. The syllabe structure is pretty even with the rhyming lines, and the alliteration, "horrific hall" and "be ban(**)ished".
Gives it a little more conviction.

Elvl0, i like the simplicity. not only does the poem talk about dance, it flows like the dance it describes. The only thing i slightly don't like is that the last two lines seem redundant. Maybe change it to "it rises, it falls"? Just seems a little repeated.
Keep the poems coming. And comment on mine if you want.

19-May-2010 00:35:02

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