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[#J2YKVQ2SL]

[#J2YKVQ2SL]

Posts: 12,132 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Why thank yew. I am going to give some critisism, and then hop over and slap down some of my own poems. :P
_____

Grav, I don't get 'Untitled 1'. I tried reading it slowly, and thinking about it. I don't get it. Maybe this is because I am simple minded, but whatever reason I doubt I am to know.
'Untitled 2' made much more sense, and I liked it. It seemed to flow considerably well with the topic, and I do believe the topic is Exhaustion. :P Ooh, I did read the explaination you gave to the poem. It makes a lot more sense to me now. Lolz.
Etherus, I liked the poem. Even if you did write it quite quick, it was pretty good. :)
Xana, I write a lot of poems like that. But mine generally don't have a small message in them, mine are just rambling on about what my life and friend's lives are like. :P Good poem, the first.
Your second poem was good, and I liked how you mixed up the words in some parts, but if they were real words, I could not figure them out. Of course, it might be my lack of vocabulary...
On the third, there you break between thoughts being 'mine' and souls 'entertwine', you might want to make that a new line. 'My eyes' should be part of the next.
Other than that... wonderful. :D

12-May-2010 03:23:31

[#J2YKVQ2SL]

[#J2YKVQ2SL]

Posts: 12,132 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I wrote this when I was going out with someone...
Titled "Fate"

When Fate's arms swing around me,
all I can do,
is think of you,
and all that you've said to me,
your words have set me free.
When you walk alongside me,
when I'm feeling quite lonely,
you wrap your arms around me,
and you're all that I can see.
When you write about love,
I can see the beautiful dove,
the dove of love,
fluttering in your eyes as you write,
and all I can think about is you,
and all that you do.
When you say the word 'love'
my heart goes, up and above,
all the things that has happened to me,
Baby you've set me free!

12-May-2010 03:25:55

Xana_anaX
Nov Member 2016

Xana_anaX

Posts: 1,699 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Kuwutousna
***wouceec
Oaeauwhnvk
Wnencaise.
Wtwthntern
Hthtwtmtle
Aoaohtaoov
Tktsaokyoe
Ynyetteokr
Oooeyosub.
-----------
know what you want to know see what you want to see touch what you want to touch it makes sense to you never look back. never.
knowing that will make you understand why i wrote it like that =P that should also make you understand why i wrote it as Our ZeEnNith-aAble Ascent- it has a meaning in and of itself (yay double meanings!)
as for the third poem, its a sonnet, so i can't exactly change the lines ;D
ty, i like writing poetry, but it only comes easy to me when i'm inspired xD
Edit: i'll now criticize your poem ^_^
i like it, even though personally i prefer unrhymed poetry, maing it rhyme fits the theme =)
"When you say the word 'love'
my heart goes, up and above,
all the things that has happened to me,
Baby you've set me free! "
i'd take out the commas- when i read this, i pause at all the commas. if you take them out: "when you say the world 'love'/ my heart goes up and above/all the things that [have] happened to me"
it will seem like it flows more, and even through the rhyme. after all, she is "setting you free" =P

12-May-2010 03:27:45 - Last edited on 12-May-2010 03:32:59 by Xana_anaX

Xana_anaX
Nov Member 2016

Xana_anaX

Posts: 1,699 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
ah, well if your a perfectionist poet, you can look at it in a different way- taking out the commas would not only make it uniform, but also go towards creating that perfect sense of emotion that i think you are trying to portray here. I am a grammar freak- but grammar never matters when it comes to poetry

"r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r
. . . who
a)s w(e loo) k
upnowgath
. . PPEGORHASS
. . . . . . . . . . eringint (o-
aThe) :l
. eA
. . . . . . !p:
S . . . . . . . . . . . a
. (r
rIvInG .gRrEaPsPhOs)
. . . .to
rea (be) rran (c0m) gi (e) ngly
,grasshopper;
"
grasshopper, by ee cu(ce)mmings. Not much use of grammar here, is there? =P

12-May-2010 03:40:14 - Last edited on 12-May-2010 03:57:24 by Xana_anaX

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