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I very much think that the motif of an opening phrase is cliché. Unfortunately, if not perfected, it can sound very amateur. I'd try to stray from that style in the future, as it is immemorable to most people and it struggles to provide the true sense of emotion and connection that a poem should strive for.
Your piece was great, though! It conveyed a great part of your intention to the audience, and that's a great way of judging your success. I think there are areas of improvement which can be worked upon, but overall your foundation is fantastic. I would caution you, however, that when you use free verse, you better be absolutely certain in your poetic elements. Your piece almost seemed like a prosic prayer rather than a poetic mantra.
I strongly encourage you to try and go for true free verse. Remember, in free verse there is absolutely no connection between each verse; instead, the only thing tying the poem together is the idea/theme. Motifs in opening your verses do not necessarily fulfill this.
Though, I will admit, most of the free verse world isn't defined. It's incredibly hard to rule something as free verse or not unless you're the author. I'm just presenting my own views here.
Your piece was great, though! It conveyed a great part of your intention to the audience, and that's a great way of judging your success. I think there are areas of improvement which can be worked upon, but overall your foundation is fantastic. I would caution you, however, that when you use free verse, you better be absolutely certain in your poetic elements. Your piece almost seemed like a prosic prayer rather than a poetic mantra.
I strongly encourage you to try and go for true free verse. Remember, in free verse there is absolutely no connection between each verse; instead, the only thing tying the poem together is the idea/theme. Motifs in opening your verses do not necessarily fulfill this.
Though, I will admit, most of the free verse world isn't defined. It's incredibly hard to rule something as free verse or not unless you're the author. I'm just presenting my own views here.
07-Apr-2010 22:25:44 - Last edited on 07-Apr-2010 22:28:40 by Yrolg
I think it's best if it's awful, as then there's nothing you can do except get better.
And awful poetry is sometimes the best inspiration.
And awful poetry is sometimes the best inspiration.
07-Apr-2010 22:41:16
I'd love some feedback on this, if you don't mind.
These cement walls?
cotton,
absorbing desperate cries
of anguish.
no sounds, no light.
no people – not even me.
I sit and suffer
unknown to all.
many know me,
none who matter –
I don’t matter:
“filthy convict”.
I’m nobody to anybody;
I’m not a person:
only the unpleasant taste
of Justice.
These cement walls?
cotton,
absorbing desperate cries
of anguish.
no sounds, no light.
no people – not even me.
I sit and suffer
unknown to all.
many know me,
none who matter –
I don’t matter:
“filthy convict”.
I’m nobody to anybody;
I’m not a person:
only the unpleasant taste
of Justice.
07-Apr-2010 22:50:37
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