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nice thread we have here,altought I probabily won't post anything,since I fail harder writing poems than that guy that tought paterdomus was on the desert...well,I'm sure there's a lot of good writers here

07-Apr-2010 23:27:09 - Last edited on 21-Aug-2010 04:22:29 by Home Pathway

I'm perfectly fine with that. Thanks for deeming it such.

08-Apr-2010 01:24:35

I really liked your poem Yrolg- I spent probably far too long trying to read too much into your lines (especially thinking about a replacement for "cotton", but it certainly does have an impressive impact. I am not "qualified" to critique poetry in this way (but you mentioned constructive feedback so I will do my limited best).
Perhaps the impact could be improved simply by the use of more accentuated punctuation, perhaps...
These cement walls?
cotton, (replace with "Cotton." )
absorbing desperate cries (Absorbing (capital A))
of anguish. (perhaps again here- Anguish)
no sounds, no light.
no people – not even me. (perhaps "No-one, not even me." )
I sit and suffer
unknown to all.
many know me,
none who matter – (perhaps "no-one matters-" )
I don’t matter:
“filthy convict”.
I’m nobody to anybody;
I’m not a person:
only the unpleasant taste
of Justice.
I have just mentioned the ways in which perhaps it would have more of an impact from my perspective- it is pretty impossible to critique free verse in a constructive way (and I am not qualified to do so!). The suggestions above are simply my personal view.
Apologies in advance if this does not help- I did read your piece many times and wrestled in my mind's eye about the impact and wording for quite some time. Poetry is after all incredibly subjective, and yes I loved your piece

08-Apr-2010 02:08:50 - Last edited on 08-Apr-2010 02:09:35 by Amoraten

08-Apr-2010 02:29:47

There is no requisite for qualification. As long as you can read and think, you are qualified to offer your opinion -- especially here. In fact, you are more than qualified, as your advice is really the best you can offer for poetry: suggest ways to improve.
I've never been a fan of capital letters in free verse. I'll take into account your suggestions... I don't know about the capital letters though (this is just personal preference).
What is the "Dark Lane" original?

08-Apr-2010 02:31:50 - Last edited on 08-Apr-2010 02:33:05 by Yrolg

08-Apr-2010 02:43:33

As long as you are contributing to the conversation, I never mind a Quick Find Code.
I'll have to take a look at your poem tomorrow, I'm afraid. If I forget (which I probably will =|) a simple nudge will suffice to remind me.

08-Apr-2010 03:25:46 - Last edited on 08-Apr-2010 03:29:19 by Yrolg

08-Apr-2010 22:50:38

What you've got here is a good start for a war poem. There are several issues with the poem, however, and I am going to try and help you pick these out.
Firstly, the flow is quite distorted and the punctuation is quite dodgy; you have enjambment in places where it simply doesn't work. You've also used some words in the wrong places, though not very often.
Despite this, what you've got is a solid basis (as I said), and so I am going to post a modified version. Please don't take this as plagiarism, it's not intended to be. My version is more for your reference and benefit; compare it side by side to your original. Hope it helps.
'War Poem 2' By Home Pathway
"Their eyes before fight,
Their fear late at night,
Their reason to keep at war,
When entering death's lair.
It's their job, they know,
But the dangers will be shown,
Come, follow me warrior,
Your brother will be your saviour."

09-Apr-2010 00:10:57 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 00:11:39 by Crocefisso