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Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Last night (technically this morning) I was having a little trouble sleeping. To help me with my mild insomnia, I decided to write poetry. I ended up with two haiku; which I have decided to post here. I haven't **en a haiku on the thread, so I hope you'll appreciate something a little different. :D I also gave the haiku names.
"Trollweiss Mountain"
One thousand bodies
Lie between the peaks, under snow,
So that trolls may feast.

"Hunter's Delight"
As the bird’s song ends,
The noose tightens, feathers flap,
None evade this trap!

09-Apr-2010 10:52:49

Home Pathway

Home Pathway

Posts: 1,090 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
well,crocefisso,thanks very much for your advice.I was pretty tired when I wrote that,then I made those mistakes :P but ty for helping...anyway,I probabily won't post anymore here,since I suck for poetry.I'll start to work only on my Epopey :P

09-Apr-2010 21:26:34

Amoraten

Amoraten

Posts: 2,774 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crocefisso- I love ***** poems- they brainstorm the heady depths of longer verses. I love your thoughts too.
Yrolg... should I continue with my marathon? Previous page post... I love poetry but if my meanderings meander off key perhaps it is better I do not play the wrong key.
PS thank you for the Story Discussion post thread- hilarious- i really did crack a rib

09-Apr-2010 22:45:46 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 22:46:47 by Amoraten

Home Pathway

Home Pathway

Posts: 1,090 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
mmm...good to see that you like my poetry...
my main problem is that I find it hard to express it at the,let's say,old way to do poems.it's hard for me to write poems.My ways of writing poetry aren't the usual verses,but stories and phrases...even the way I thing sometimes is poetic.
anyway,i may come up with more verses at the future...but don't expect anything

09-Apr-2010 23:12:14 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 23:13:29 by Home Pathway

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as Day fled night's dark chagrin- [too many syllables; I’d remove “dark”]
Of gloom in shadow simmering. [Ing and in don’t rhyme. Keep that in mind. ]
Day lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew [I love this line and its predecessor. :D ]
And rose in darkness shimmering.
Beneath the boughs of leafy tides,
The hemlock stirred-their umbels stood [Fix the hyphen. There’s a difference between - and –]
In reverence, whilst on all sides
Night leached light’s life and Following. [This is a bad tongue twister. I’d fix the alliteration.]
Dusk soon drew in- He understood
As raiment of the day subsides
He felt night's breath draw wooded blood
In Harrowvale’s Hollowing. [This doesn’t have enough syllables]
As fear then coursed through mortal veins- [“mortal veins” is cliché; I’d use something else]
He knew that gallowed time stood still,
Unschackled night broke daylight chains [spelling]
And pierced him; unsettling [Flow, verse, and syllable counts]
the fragile threads of his weak will-
A semblance of his strength remains.
The bitter taste of judgement’s pill [spelling]
Thus choked him as the night set in. [I’d add “Day” in this last *tanza again, to reconnect the reader]
Overall it was an interesting piece, but there were minor errors in mechanics. I've addressed those first, and we can move on from here. ;)

10-Apr-2010 02:10:34

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crocefisso,
Haiku are a really difficult form of poetry to pull off. With such huge restrictions on your line lengths, it's hard to get your thoughts across. And even when you can do this, there are so few themes you can fit in there, that a lot of good haiku turn bad just because we've heard them before.
Unfortunately, your style is like this. It seems that all haiku focus on in these forums is death and pretty scenes. The haiku was made to convey nature's beauty, and these two things often can't do that (yes, including describing a pretty scene). I'll try to provide examples that focus on these topics but do a good (eh, maybe mediocre :p) job at conveying the true purpose of a haiku.
"the whole family
all with white hair and old canes
visiting their graves"

"the monk is peaceful
as the chrysanthemums bloom
drinking morning tea".

10-Apr-2010 02:14:37 - Last edited on 10-Apr-2010 02:24:57 by Yrolg

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