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11-Apr-2010 18:50:06
WAR POEM 3 FEEDBACK:
Home, though I am a little confused by your sudden gender change (3000 gold is a little cheap I've always thought), I must say that your third iteration of War Poem is a very good one. All I can say is that I was right - you CAN do poetry.
I am going to modify and improve some lines for you to help you grow yet further. This time, there's no point doing the whole poem because there's no need.
But there are some tiny creases we've yet to smooth, though on the whole War Poem 3 is a joy to read.
1-"We know we did an oath" = wrong verb use, it should be 'took' an oath. Also, the line should end with a comma.
2-"But it's hard to fight" = needs a full stop at the end.
3-"Now we're far from all" = doesn't make much sense, needs a comma at the end.
4-"Death rides beside me" = needs a comma at the end. (By the way, this stanza is by far my favourite. )
5-"Brotherhood and friendship" = needs a comma at the end.
6-"In the jail of fear and rage" = needs a comma at the end.
7-"It's hard to answer" = needs a comma at the end.
ALSO: Remember to put a space after a comma in the middle of a line, and to end every stanza with a full stop.
As you can see, the issues I have highlighted (of which there aren't many) are tiny ones. As I previously said this is a wonderful poem, and I would personally like you to post more if you could because, quite simply, you can.
Home, though I am a little confused by your sudden gender change (3000 gold is a little cheap I've always thought), I must say that your third iteration of War Poem is a very good one. All I can say is that I was right - you CAN do poetry.
I am going to modify and improve some lines for you to help you grow yet further. This time, there's no point doing the whole poem because there's no need.
But there are some tiny creases we've yet to smooth, though on the whole War Poem 3 is a joy to read.
1-"We know we did an oath" = wrong verb use, it should be 'took' an oath. Also, the line should end with a comma.
2-"But it's hard to fight" = needs a full stop at the end.
3-"Now we're far from all" = doesn't make much sense, needs a comma at the end.
4-"Death rides beside me" = needs a comma at the end. (By the way, this stanza is by far my favourite. )
5-"Brotherhood and friendship" = needs a comma at the end.
6-"In the jail of fear and rage" = needs a comma at the end.
7-"It's hard to answer" = needs a comma at the end.
ALSO: Remember to put a space after a comma in the middle of a line, and to end every stanza with a full stop.
As you can see, the issues I have highlighted (of which there aren't many) are tiny ones. As I previously said this is a wonderful poem, and I would personally like you to post more if you could because, quite simply, you can.
11-Apr-2010 19:53:14 - Last edited on 11-Apr-2010 19:53:41 by Crocefisso
Crocefisso,
You're letting yourself be restricted too much. I really suggest letting your inner mind go and letting the format take care of itself.
As a note, expanding on the Buddha is not necessarily a religious reference; he is your main character, and so we must know who he is. I still think that your ending lines try to say too much, and I would strongly encourage you change them. A missing love being necessary, perhaps you should incorporate a universal reference of her, instead of just throwing it in at the end because some 900 year old reference book says you should.
Remember that if you think your poem would be better off not following the tanka guidelines, you really should follow your gut and stray from these requisites.
You're letting yourself be restricted too much. I really suggest letting your inner mind go and letting the format take care of itself.
As a note, expanding on the Buddha is not necessarily a religious reference; he is your main character, and so we must know who he is. I still think that your ending lines try to say too much, and I would strongly encourage you change them. A missing love being necessary, perhaps you should incorporate a universal reference of her, instead of just throwing it in at the end because some 900 year old reference book says you should.
Remember that if you think your poem would be better off not following the tanka guidelines, you really should follow your gut and stray from these requisites.
12-Apr-2010 04:51:16
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