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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Three great men rise from the mud,
their ambitions fly them ever higher,
Three of them kind, gentle and good,
their deeds wrought them loose of the myre.
Through life these three span,
and through death back again,
their conditions get worse as they tire,
Three promises wraught, kept one of them naught,
and towards hell they forever conspire.
They work towards their goal,
yet on their shoes and their sole,
are the faces upon which they tread,
they will do what they please,
but will trip and will freeze, when
they see the cracked visage of dread.
With their lives will they dig,
(and their shovel so big)
through the soil of the forever they shred,
and soon will they attempt,
though their lives are all spent,
to redeem themselves of all they've rent,
for beginning with end, their life was
quite dead, and in them, they continue to rend.
Three great men fall to the ground,
of the canyons forged deep in their souls,
Three of them evil, wretched, and downed,
confound by the pull of the devil.
Three great ghosts rise from the mud,
their duty bringing them ever higher,
they will take the great men, and
push them in again, to the depths of the thickening myre.

31-Mar-2010 03:03:37

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan Shafts,
Similar to what I suggested for Tycoon Level earlier, I suggest you focus on making a consistent and interesting metre and rhythm. You have a good foundation in your current theme, but if you tweak it so that it fits into an easily understood verse, it will be all the more appreciable.

31-Mar-2010 14:10:04

Amoraten

Amoraten

Posts: 2,774 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Porphyria's Lover- one of my favourite poems thanks :)
Yrolg, I took on board your earlier comments about constructing the poem in a more complex rhyme... do you think this might work:
"The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as She fled nights dark chagrin-
Of gloom in shadow simmering.
She lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew
And rose in darkness shimmering."
I generally do not use such complex rhyme- but if you think it works I might rewrite the original poem in the same format throughout.
Many thanks

31-Mar-2010 21:10:12 - Last edited on 31-Mar-2010 21:10:39 by Amoraten

TurtleMasta5

TurtleMasta5

Posts: 6,041 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've never personally enjoyed writing rhymed poems- i've always felt they were restrictive. The little poetry I do write is always free form, totally open. I *ow wonder though if I just thought that they were hindering because I had never really learned enough about writing them.

-Shell

05-Apr-2010 23:38:39 - Last edited on 05-Apr-2010 23:39:11 by TurtleMasta5

Amoraten

Amoraten

Posts: 2,774 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yes I write free verse, it is less restrictive... but I also love the rhyme of a good poem which can be read aloud- that coupled with great imagery is just my personal preference.
It is much harder to construct a poem which means something in such a restrictive format than in free verse (most of my poems start in free verse before I weave them into a rhyme)
I love writing music as well as poetry which is probably way I like this format... but some of my favouite poems are free verse, especially the likes of Ted Hughes

06-Apr-2010 01:10:28

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