Tycoon Level,
Hello. I believe on the first page I said that the best way to learn to write poetry is to learn to read it. Many people shy away from reading poetry because they cannot fully control the sometimes complex inflections and styles needed to appropriately voice the poem's purpose.
It seems to me that you are such a person: you shy from reading poetry out loud because you sometimes have trouble finding the appropriate voice to consistently air it in. I say this only because your meter right off the bat was inconsistent. As I said in the discourse above, poems with a strict meter (and, if it is a meter at all, it is strict) are simply majestic when executed properly. They are, however, easy to fail at. I think that you should try to work on the meter.
If you need help, I am here. As I said before, I have plenty of exercises which can help to cement your ability to construct and use a consistent meter.
In a poem such as that, the meter is quite easily the simplest thing to pick apart, and, so, I want to help to develop your base before delving into the specifics of that single poem. If I help you with your meter, you can use those skills for the rest of your life. If I help you with this poem, the best you can do is learn to write this exact poem again.
Stylistically, I think your biggest problem is that you're not used to word economy. You're trying to apply the basis of prose to the execution of poetry. You should, when focusing on this poem, strike out the unnecessary words. The power of poetry is in its conciseness: a single word, at times, can determine the entire success and impact of a poem. Having too many words detracts from the overall impression on the reader.
Hello. I believe on the first page I said that the best way to learn to write poetry is to learn to read it. Many people shy away from reading poetry because they cannot fully control the sometimes complex inflections and styles needed to appropriately voice the poem's purpose.
It seems to me that you are such a person: you shy from reading poetry out loud because you sometimes have trouble finding the appropriate voice to consistently air it in. I say this only because your meter right off the bat was inconsistent. As I said in the discourse above, poems with a strict meter (and, if it is a meter at all, it is strict) are simply majestic when executed properly. They are, however, easy to fail at. I think that you should try to work on the meter.
If you need help, I am here. As I said before, I have plenty of exercises which can help to cement your ability to construct and use a consistent meter.
In a poem such as that, the meter is quite easily the simplest thing to pick apart, and, so, I want to help to develop your base before delving into the specifics of that single poem. If I help you with your meter, you can use those skills for the rest of your life. If I help you with this poem, the best you can do is learn to write this exact poem again.
Stylistically, I think your biggest problem is that you're not used to word economy. You're trying to apply the basis of prose to the execution of poetry. You should, when focusing on this poem, strike out the unnecessary words. The power of poetry is in its conciseness: a single word, at times, can determine the entire success and impact of a poem. Having too many words detracts from the overall impression on the reader.
16-Mar-2010 21:15:14 - Last edited on 16-Mar-2010 21:17:34 by Yrolg