With those considerations, my rewrite would be something like this:
The whirring noise of deafening gears,
Draws ever closer, but only in my mind.
My thoughts have witnessed many things,
From death, to lost souls trapped in a daily grind.
They are the workers of the mill,
A dangerous place of cruel and harsh condition,
Their knees are cold, on ice-cold stone,
Yet they persist as though it’s their ambition.
Labor’s sweat runs down their faces,
Forming pools and trails upon the floor below.
Unguarded doors offer escape,
A dozen steps, and well within a stone’s throw.
Yet, even when the owner comes
And then cruelly beats them harshly with a stick,
And although they beg for mercy,
No amount of pleading seems to do the trick.
They leave with but a tuppence for their toil.
I have tried to make YOUR poetic concept conform to an ABAB/8,11,8,11 meter that you kind of started out with, and have separated the stanzas. I tried not to stray too far from your concept, but I cannot help but add MY voice to the rewrite. It is important that you find and develop YOUR poetic voice! Finally, try to begin your effort with the end in mind, and remember to proofread (aloud).
Best of luck in your future works, Divinaition.
12-Jan-2014 11:31:05
