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Well, I unfortunately forgot to update the poem and poet last week! :o
"Porphyria's Lover" by Robert Browning has been replaced by "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost; William Carlos Williams was replaced by Langston Hughes.
Remember that suggestions for those are always welcome.
"Porphyria's Lover" by Robert Browning has been replaced by "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost; William Carlos Williams was replaced by Langston Hughes.
Remember that suggestions for those are always welcome.
22-Apr-2010 01:15:23 - Last edited on 22-Apr-2010 01:22:50 by Yrolg
I love Robert Frost- thank you!
Yrolg and other poets is this silly or should I expand:-
"The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as Day fled night's dark chagrin-
Of gloom in shadow simmering.
Day lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew
And rose in darkness shimmering.
Beneath the boughs of leafy tides,
The hemlock stirred-their umbels stood
In reverence, whilst on all sides
Night leached light’s life and Following.
Dusk soon drew in- He understood
As raiment of the day subsides
He felt night's breath draw wooded blood
In Harrowvale’s Hollowing.
As fear then coursed through mortal veins-
He knew that gallowed time stood still,
Unschackled night broke daylight chains
And pierced him; unsettling
the fragile threads of his weak will-
A semblance of his strength remains.
The bitter taste of judgement’s pill
Thus choked him as the night set in. "
I have written another twenty two stanzas of the same- but initial feedback is welcomed- there are quite a few awkward lines already above...
Please help me if you can!
Yrolg and other poets is this silly or should I expand:-
"The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as Day fled night's dark chagrin-
Of gloom in shadow simmering.
Day lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew
And rose in darkness shimmering.
Beneath the boughs of leafy tides,
The hemlock stirred-their umbels stood
In reverence, whilst on all sides
Night leached light’s life and Following.
Dusk soon drew in- He understood
As raiment of the day subsides
He felt night's breath draw wooded blood
In Harrowvale’s Hollowing.
As fear then coursed through mortal veins-
He knew that gallowed time stood still,
Unschackled night broke daylight chains
And pierced him; unsettling
the fragile threads of his weak will-
A semblance of his strength remains.
The bitter taste of judgement’s pill
Thus choked him as the night set in. "
I have written another twenty two stanzas of the same- but initial feedback is welcomed- there are quite a few awkward lines already above...
Please help me if you can!
22-Apr-2010 01:28:36
I haven't read the full thing yet, but as a note of puncuatory and grammatical accuracy, please note that the hyphen is used to combine two words, the dash is used to introduce a thought to an already introduced idea.
Fifty-four soldiers marched on the field.
I was in their company -- a thing I shall never forget.
I'll read it *ow.
EDIT: Punctuation's really getting the better of you today. :p
"The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as Day fled night's dark chagrin-
Of gloom in shadow simmering.
Day lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew
And rose in darkness shimmering."
By putting a period after simmering, you are stating that everything before it is a complete thought. That isn't right, as you introduced a primary clause in the third line, expounded on it in the fourth, but never concluded it after that. If you put a *dash* after chagrin and simmering, you will get a complete thought that conveys what you're intending, I think.
As to the poem as a whole, I think that the stanzas don't flow into each other well. I'd definitely work at universalizing the theme and structure, then making the flow more intuitive.
Fifty-four soldiers marched on the field.
I was in their company -- a thing I shall never forget.
I'll read it *ow.
EDIT: Punctuation's really getting the better of you today. :p
"The sky was dim, the night drew in,
The guillotine of day scythed through
And as Day fled night's dark chagrin-
Of gloom in shadow simmering.
Day lingered late and overdue,
The rays of light grew ever thin,
The glaring moon reborn anew
And rose in darkness shimmering."
By putting a period after simmering, you are stating that everything before it is a complete thought. That isn't right, as you introduced a primary clause in the third line, expounded on it in the fourth, but never concluded it after that. If you put a *dash* after chagrin and simmering, you will get a complete thought that conveys what you're intending, I think.
As to the poem as a whole, I think that the stanzas don't flow into each other well. I'd definitely work at universalizing the theme and structure, then making the flow more intuitive.
22-Apr-2010 01:48:50 - Last edited on 22-Apr-2010 04:33:59 by Yrolg
this is my first real attempt at a poem so i don't know how good it is.
It only sounds right if i read it out loud, slowly, in a certain tone of voice :o
But anyway here it is, tell me what you think
Always ticking
_________________
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock,
Can you stop a clock..
From ticking away,
Can you stop a clock..
From ticking your life away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your young, living away
And up above it ticks away
Can you stop that clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
You fell in love, your love is joy
But even now, it ticks away
Can you stop that clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your old, you had your day
And always near it ticks away
Can you stop your clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your gone, your soul is too
But still it ticks, ticks away
Can you stop a clock
From ticking your life away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock…
_________________________
oh btw, DarkEtherus ,
i don't know what others would say but i actually like your poem
Retired from RS3. Trying out OSRS. To any of my old friends - I hope you are doing well
. Aliases: Woollyhats, Forum Tyler, Pal54
It only sounds right if i read it out loud, slowly, in a certain tone of voice :o
But anyway here it is, tell me what you think
Always ticking
_________________
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock,
Can you stop a clock..
From ticking away,
Can you stop a clock..
From ticking your life away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your young, living away
And up above it ticks away
Can you stop that clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
You fell in love, your love is joy
But even now, it ticks away
Can you stop that clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your old, you had your day
And always near it ticks away
Can you stop your clock
From ticking away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock
Now your gone, your soul is too
But still it ticks, ticks away
Can you stop a clock
From ticking your life away?
Tick-tock-tick-tick-tock…
_________________________
oh btw, DarkEtherus ,
i don't know what others would say but i actually like your poem
Retired from RS3. Trying out OSRS. To any of my old friends - I hope you are doing well
. Aliases: Woollyhats, Forum Tyler, Pal54
24-Apr-2010 20:46:04 - Last edited on 24-Apr-2010 20:48:19 by Woollyhats
Thank you Yrolg! Yes I do agree with your comments (sorry it took so long to respond)
This is part of a twenty seven part stanza- I will rethink and edit again
This is part of a twenty seven part stanza- I will rethink and edit again
26-Apr-2010 02:09:47
DarkEtherus,
I know I promised you comments by yesterday, but I was unfortunately provided with an unexpected event. This made it hard to post my comments. The following are my thoughts, however:
I dislike repeated phrases at the beginning of each stanza because I feel that they detract from the overall quality of most poems. Unfortunately, yours fits into this category. I think that your continuous usage of "Oh, Moon" was distracting from your overall point, and that it didn't add enough to counterbalance this detraction. It made the poem seem much more elementary that it would have otherwise, and it gave the piece an overall amateur feeling.
Unfortunately, this was matched by a simplistic style. I don't know if it was intentional, but the phrasing was very simplistic. You could've removed all of the enters at the end of the line and it would've made a feasible and understandable story -- which is something I don't like to see in this particular style of poetry.
If you've heard of the romantic era of poetry (during the 1700 and 1800s) you'll know that for centuries, poets would create grandiose settings of powerful (and somewhat pretentious) language whenever referencing the beauty of nature. This is because this helps to accentuate the simplistic style that nature may portray.
I would really encouraging reading some more of that style if you plan on writing about nature, as it can be a great source of extrapolative creativity.
In regards to the meaning (which is usually a much more important aspect of the poem), I thought that yours was lost. The moon is awesome to write about (I'm writing a novel dealing with it myself), but all you seemed to be doing was addressing it. While this is fine, it makes for an overall boring plot, which means you *really* have to go overboard with other literary devices.
This poem has a lot of potential, but, like all things, it must change to become better.
I know I promised you comments by yesterday, but I was unfortunately provided with an unexpected event. This made it hard to post my comments. The following are my thoughts, however:
I dislike repeated phrases at the beginning of each stanza because I feel that they detract from the overall quality of most poems. Unfortunately, yours fits into this category. I think that your continuous usage of "Oh, Moon" was distracting from your overall point, and that it didn't add enough to counterbalance this detraction. It made the poem seem much more elementary that it would have otherwise, and it gave the piece an overall amateur feeling.
Unfortunately, this was matched by a simplistic style. I don't know if it was intentional, but the phrasing was very simplistic. You could've removed all of the enters at the end of the line and it would've made a feasible and understandable story -- which is something I don't like to see in this particular style of poetry.
If you've heard of the romantic era of poetry (during the 1700 and 1800s) you'll know that for centuries, poets would create grandiose settings of powerful (and somewhat pretentious) language whenever referencing the beauty of nature. This is because this helps to accentuate the simplistic style that nature may portray.
I would really encouraging reading some more of that style if you plan on writing about nature, as it can be a great source of extrapolative creativity.
In regards to the meaning (which is usually a much more important aspect of the poem), I thought that yours was lost. The moon is awesome to write about (I'm writing a novel dealing with it myself), but all you seemed to be doing was addressing it. While this is fine, it makes for an overall boring plot, which means you *really* have to go overboard with other literary devices.
This poem has a lot of potential, but, like all things, it must change to become better.
27-Apr-2010 04:39:58 - Last edited on 27-Apr-2010 04:41:53 by Yrolg
Amoraten,
Hello. It seems you and I are just missing each other a lot these past few weeks.
I think re-editing it is a grand idea. I'd make sure to fix the punctuation, but, after that, I'd really make sure that you're comfortable with the things you're changing. The most interesting and difficult thing about a poem is that sometimes you become so attached that you're unwilling to change some of the worst parts, simply because you're proud of them (usually this happens and you aren't aware of it) or you're so dissatisfied with the overall result that you change some of the best parts in an attempt to just change something.
I'd be quite careful with any major changes you make.
Hello. It seems you and I are just missing each other a lot these past few weeks.
I think re-editing it is a grand idea. I'd make sure to fix the punctuation, but, after that, I'd really make sure that you're comfortable with the things you're changing. The most interesting and difficult thing about a poem is that sometimes you become so attached that you're unwilling to change some of the worst parts, simply because you're proud of them (usually this happens and you aren't aware of it) or you're so dissatisfied with the overall result that you change some of the best parts in an attempt to just change something.
I'd be quite careful with any major changes you make.
27-Apr-2010 04:44:11
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