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Lunar Eclipse

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Redg8rgirl

Redg8rgirl

Posts: 8,440 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi Fer,
I really enjoyed the story that you took the time to make, Thanks.

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',.....ˆ*•¸...'•›.,¸¸¸;.‹•'.....¸,«•*''ˆFast as Lightˆ''*•»,¸.....'•›.;¸¸¸,.‹•'...¸•*ˆ......',
..ˆ›,¸¸¸,.ˆ............'›,¸¸¸,‹ˆ .....I Move In The Night.... ˆ›,¸¸¸,‹'..............ˆ.,¸¸¸,‹ ~ In Loving Memory of metom77 ~

15-Jan-2010 01:47:38

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review, at Yrolg's request:
LUNAR ECLIPSE, BY YROLG (49-50-305-56396878)
Organization: 8 (PASS, +1). Your main flaw, I think, is vocabulary. The words you use (such as 'zephyresque')don't make you seem a better writer, they make it seem forced and they distract from the actual story. In addition, you make a few mistakes with dialogue. For one, at one point you said something like “Blah blah blah,” she said, “blah blah blah,” she said. You only need the first 'she said', the second one disrupts the text flow. Also, you use words like 'cooed' to describe how they speak. In the immortal advice of Somebody, never use a 'cooed' when a 'said' will do. 'Said' is golden. If you must, say 'he said, trying to soothe her' or something, but words like 'cooed' are so unique that we generally have images associated with them which often don't fit the scene well and just distract us. Simplicity is bliss. All that said, the grammar itself is mostly excellent.
Plot: 9 (PASS, +2). I really enjoyed the plot. It's pretty original, and very interesting. My only complaint is that I had a lot of trouble figuring out what was going on sometimes, and not in the good 'character is confused' way. Character is confused, great. Reader is confused, bad. You want them wondering, not confused. Explain enough so you get whose perspective we have (or make it clear that we have no clue, such as 'the figure' or 'the child'. Make it so we understand what is happening small-picture, but not big-picture.
Substance: 10 (PASS, +3) I really liked reading this, and cannot wait for the next chapter. Very fun to read, even if the text didn't flow perfectly.

20-Feb-2010 06:26:04

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Final Grade: 9 + 6 = 15 (technically a 10). Nice work! I loved your story, had a ton of fun reading it. Besides the critique mentioned above, I think you pulled off a good idea very well.
Lunar Eclipse is a story of a child who mysteriously dying, supposedly due to the haunting of a man killed by his wife for his unfaithfulness. His mother and father seem to be going mad after his death, but nobody understands in the least bit what is actually going on.
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To get your own review in a very short time, go to Runescape Reviews at 49-50-490-60415744. :)

20-Feb-2010 06:27:06

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You and I differ greatly in our expectation of dialogue, I suppose. I recently had a debate, though I think it was more in-game than on the forums, justifying, encouraging, and rationalizing the usage of words other than "said" and "replied". If you would like, I could post a quick synopsis of this debate, but, suffice to say, a simple "said" kills the story. ;)
Otherwise, thank you for your input. I'll definitely take another look at my inconsistencies and try to iron them out. I think it's awesome that you enjoyed my story. :)

23-Feb-2010 03:56:32

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Yrolg, nice to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t seen you for away, I’ve been rather distancing myself from Runescape, though I am deciding if I should come back. Don’t know, only time will tell. Anyways I’ve decided to begin pondering the forums and I’ve taken a liking to yours.
Also to Yenklet: I really have no idea if Yrolg over-describes or not. I can’t tell, that sort of thing takes decades of writing, to figure out the perfect flow, and precisely plan out a story with the perfect words. I do sometimes like large vocabulary in doses, and I do believe that Yrolg is not tipping the boat, if you know what I mean. It lets be bring out my dusty and trusty book hidden in the corner called a dictionary. I think the reason we have big words is to describe the world in our eyes to others, and even then we can not possible regenerate what we see to our readers with perfection. Anyways, I don’t mean disrespect and I think your review was nicely done.
And now back to you, Yrolg. That “said” and “replied” problem quite the controversial subject. Teachers tell us to “mix it up” but while I am enjoying my recreational reading all I can every notice is the substantial amount of “saids” in a story. And it might be surprising, but I enjoy them. If the character whispered, then the author should use “whispered”. If he yelled, then they should use “yelled”. But most of the time (like right now) we just talk. Normal and coolly, and we do it so often, which is problem the reason all the “saids” we find.
“Human beings rely on several key and fundamental components of the world, regardless of the vehement stories telling otherwise, to survive. At the core of these bases for human life is a constant: the need for patterns, regulars, and a sense of normal. “

23-Feb-2010 04:47:27 - Last edited on 23-Feb-2010 04:48:50 by Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I think that sentence is entirely true. I know for certain that myself, as an individual is dependent on patterns. And maybe “said” for me is one of those patterns. Something that can just welcome me at an end of an sentence and I can smile back and because I’ve seen it so many times, it doesn’t take thought to understand it’s meaning.
I’ve been rambling, but that’s what I do love. If you wish to argue about the “said” debate, I’d love to hear your views.

Okay, now I’ve only read your prologue and I really think it’s a piece of work. You obviously have meticulously studied the book of English because you know your stuff well. And I was surprised, compared to all the hype about your vocabulary; I wasn’t reaching for the dictionary every two words. And most of the time I can put the words in context so I don’t see why people are complaining.
What more can I say? I’ve only read the prologue so I can’t comment much but I enjoyed the fact that you describe the son’s death very well. I don’t really want to give advice, because all I do is read a lot of horror and it’s probably just me personally, but I find that in horror stories, usually it’s the simple sentences that can really send chills down my spine, not the long ones. But I still love this scene, so good on you.
Okay, I’m done, but one last thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m OCD and what I’m about to say might prove it. I was reading through, and one sentence just really stood out. At least it was only one sentence in the whole prologue.
“With an outraged shriek, the mother flung herself upon the damp floor, near her son’s body, trying, in some primal way, to quell the seizing boy, and somehow staunch the blood flow. “

23-Feb-2010 04:49:05

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