lent**udinous.
I understand that you can do little to prevent censorship, but the sole fact that this word is the length that it is tells me that it has replacements with the same meaning, and this is one of those instances where I would swap out the word. Here it fully disrupts the flow – having to decipher a word – instead of being a mild annoyance such as censored apostrophes.
The first post of Ch. IV saw you use the word ‘supine’ twice in semi-quick succession. I recommend swapping one unless the word ‘supine’ is vital to development.
“Ooohhh,” he would cry, instilling an almost eerily orgastic hue to the call
No comment. I fail to make the connection between a drunkard and orgastic cries.
Here, now, you listen t’ me, I’ll get you someone who knows what they’re doin’.” She consoled, unsure who would be aware at that uncanny hour in the night.
Comma after ‘doin’’, and un-capitalise ‘she’.
(Please also note that after rereading Orbie's review, I've omitted most corrections involving commas, as the commas were quite intentionally inserted where they were.)
01-Jun-2009 04:57:39
- Last edited on
01-Jun-2009 06:53:37
by
WintryElf
I've completed your review. I'll begin with the spelling and grammar errors that I believe I've found, follow up with my comments and end with your final marks. =)