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Lunar Eclipse

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Yrolg

Yrolg

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I hope that you both find it interesting. =)
Elementsky21, unfortunately, I'm having internet issues at the moment. It might be a slightly longer while until I read your piece. I am attempting to save it to an external source, but I cannot be sure that this will work.

31-Jan-2009 18:15:52

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here is a few corrections, in case you should want to look at them.
______________________________
; When the ordinary is no more
~you should not have capitalized this W
Even the birds seemed to obey the sudden quiet, and, save the crows (whose cawing further exacerbated the overall unnatural and dreary, almost, even, morbid complexion of the area), the birds stayed quiet.
~This sentence is a blatant run-on and contains way too many commas. The sentence would be awkward if you were to take out the parentheses, which you should as they are unnecessary.
the boys imply stood
~the boy simply stood
The servant slowly followed the trail, revolted by the sheer amount of whatever it was he was cleaning.
~I believe you meant to say she instead of he here.
Ffter quite possibly ten full minutes
~After...
Mister Usha is frequently censored when you write it as Mr.; you should attempt to fix this.
Perhaps you should address "Ms. Usha" as "Mrs. Usha", as she is married. Also, one time the maid said "Ms. Laurana", you may want to change that to "Mrs. Usha" (in compliance with the previous correction of this sentence).
***************************************
Ok, here are my thoughts on what you have requested.
Your plot is advancing well, I have not had a moment when I have wanted to pull myself away from such an engrossing story. The plot seems complex and enigmatic, a perfect type for any story. I cannot wait for it to thicken and eventually figure out this whole mess. I like how there are many main characters and Laurana Usha being insane is rather funny at times. There has been a clear development in the characters, Mrs. Usha is insane now****. Usha is a drunk now, and their son is dead, or at least in some strange unknown place. I would like to know what happened to the girl still. Your vocabulary is hard to understand at times and some of the words you used appear to not actually be words. Otherwise, well done, Yrolg.
I can't wait for more,
Elementsky21

01-Feb-2009 23:34:44 - Last edited on 02-Feb-2009 00:30:49 by NovelistElly

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you for addressing the typed errors. I have now fixed them.
I have not fixed the capital letter following the semi-colon as this is intentional.
Additionally the sentence about the crows is scheduled for rewrite with the third chapter. =)

As for what I asked you to comment on, I really appreciate your kind words. I'm glad to see that my characters developed nicely. =)

07-Feb-2009 05:23:56

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[#G5C21C8C3]

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26-Feb-2009 00:06:07

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here is your review from Full Circle Reviews ^_^
Plot - 38/40
Fascinating, but at points so bizarre as to be disinteresting. I mean by this, of course, chapter 3. He might be in some sort of underworld, yet there are people and plants and a river. And his ears were healed! Strange. And there appears to be no hope of clarification.
Characters - 32/35
Good overall – the dialogue was weak at time, especially with the servants, were you occasionally broke the illusion of dialect with your trademark vocab. And the investigator – he concluded that it was a vengeful spirit? Supernatural? I did*’t buy that. It** unbelievable, unless your vaguely clichéd short and fat detective goes ghost hunting on weekends..
Description - 30/30
Generally, your description is extremely well done. This is a strength of yours, and I’m sure you know it.
Style - 22/25
I took points off here for your vocab, which I’ll explain later, as well as your tendency to make outrageously convoluted sentences.
Mechanics - 18/20
I was slightly surprised – there were more issues than I was expecting. But, overall, your grammar and spelling are excellent.

TOTAL - 140/150, or 93%
~ * ~
What I Liked:
The description, obviously. I also got the impression that Usha is a reference to Usher, from Poe’s legendary tale? This story definitely has a comparable gothic feel. The crows, too, reminded me of Poe – the seagulls turning into them at the end was powerful.

~ * ~
Lorehound
through and through.

09-Mar-2009 06:09:44 - Last edited on 09-Mar-2009 22:16:33 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
What I Did*’t Like
I feel the need to remind you that a ‘big’ word has no inherent, greater value than its more common counterpart; none at all. If, in its obscurity, a word actually detracts from the clarity of your writing, than there is something wrong. If you use zephyresque instead of mild, what does that add? Nothing. And it only serves to alienate a reader unfamiliar with the term zephyr. So, be careful, Yrolg. Your formidable vocabulary is potentially as much a weakness as a strength.
~ * ~
Specific corrections (“>” indicates quoted text):
Page 1:
> Without clouds, and with a light, zephyresque breeze traipsing about the field, it was a perfect night for a hunt. /Centred within a field was a conglomeration of families, eagerly awaiting the hunt*s opening.
I have two issues – the first is zephyesque. Are ‘gentle’ and ‘mild’ so abhorrent that you have to invent your own word? The other is the field; or is it *a* field? That’s the problem. You refer to it both ways. Consider changing ‘a field’ in the second sentence to ‘this field’.
> Her friend, who’d not heard the list of rules, and Code of Conduct before,
The comma after rules is not needed.
> …whilst the children recited the universal looks of indifferent impatience,
‘recited’ is best applied to speech, it does not quite fit an expression. Consider ‘bore’ instead.
> …searching with their partner with an ignorant bliss they so often chastised their children for.
‘an’ should be *the’. The repetition of ‘with’ bothers me, too.
Lorehound
through and through.

09-Mar-2009 22:16:46

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
> …her child, her darling boy lay there in front of her, prostrate upon the floor, scarlet with blood seeping from every orifice – every pore of the youth’s body, barely conscious as his lifeblood tainted the dusty floor.
Unnecessary complexity. Consider this rephrasing of the middle section – ‘scarlet with blood seeping from every orifice and pore of the youth’s body’. Also, the section after the final comma does not work. Consciousness refers not to a state of the body, but of the mind.
> …the golden radiance of the prayers dancing throughout the boy’s body did not stop litre after litre of blood from flowing out, and into the dank floor.
The comma after ‘out’ is unneeded.
Page 4:
> A terrible storm had started almost immediately after Leir’s death. The almost unnatural storm’s rain had continued unrelentingly…
The repetition of ‘almost’ bothers me. It’s a weak word.
> They would oftentimes pray to the gods for redemption from their vast predicament.
I don’t think ‘vast’ quite fits here. Everything is relative, of course, but their problem is a small one – and, honestly, slightly strange. People are buried in the rain all the time.
> Leir’s father, Ereil, had given up hope, on the second week of the caitiff tempest.
Delete the comma after ‘hope’, and consider replacing ‘on’ with ‘by’.
> and following only the shortest of engagements, they were betrothed.
Betrothed means, according to MS Word and Dictionary dot ***, to be engaged. They were engaged after they were engaged?
> Kietta killed her husband’s body, her husband’s mind, and her husband’s soul.
Um…okay…no, sorry, what? She stabbed him. That’s the body. Did she, during the course of the murder, also render him insane and do whatever one does to murder a soul? This sentence seems like baseless overkill – the murder is drama enough.
Lorehound
through and through.

09-Mar-2009 22:17:15

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
> “Your son died as a result of a supernatural attack by Slet Warigh, of Rowa Cottage Mr. Usha.”
Insert a comma after ‘cottage’.
Page 9:
> A small boy, huddled in the centre of the entourage…
You like to use words creatively – I respect that. But an entourage is made of people, living things. I would not describe the room I’m sitting in as I type this as an entourage – it doesn’t make sense.
> These were the dreams the boy fought every night, and it was against these dreams that he lost.
Unnecessary complexity/length. Consider ‘These were the dreams the boy fought and lost against every night.’
> …sole witness to this extravaganza…
Three ducks chasing each other? An extravaganza? Sure, it would be highly significant to the boy to have his terrible monotony broken by this dream, but it is no extravaganza.
> The group, which consisted of roughly twenty persons, all of whom, save the boy, wore the outlandish clothing, and none of which, save the commander, spoke, spoke little, if at all, during this arduous trek.
Yikes. This is a jumbled mess. You say none of them spoke, but then they spoke little, and I’m never quite sure who you’re referring to. Here’s a possible rewrite – ‘The group, which consisted of roughly twenty persons, wore strange and outlandish clothing, and none save the commander issued a sound.’
> The manor at Usha Place was in disgrace; the parlor had endless bounds of refuse and garbage upon its surfaces,
‘bounds’ should be ‘mounds*, I think?
> and, through more tedious efforts, he was now able to drift into consciousness now and again.
Repetition of ‘now* bothers me. Consider replacing ‘now and again’ with ‘sporadically’.
> Eventually the maids finished with their work in other rooms, and they slowly conglomerated in the area most stricken by whatever disease plagued the house: the dining room.
The arrangement of this sentence implies that the dining room is the disease which plagues the house. Consider rephrasing.
Lorehound
through and through.

09-Mar-2009 22:17:27

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