RuneScape Forum Archive | Lunar Eclipse

Nov

2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

> …of the house needing resurrection today, and most were eagerly awaiting their voyage home. Though the anguished cries of the main grew ever louder,
‘main’ should be ‘man’.
> unsure who would be aware at that uncanny hour in the night.
‘aware’ should be ‘awake’? But only if it’s a typo. Aware works in this context.
> she cooed further, treating him infantile
‘infantile’ is grammatically incorrect here. And since ‘infantilely’ is not a word, you can reword at your own discretion. I’ve got no ideas for you.
Page 10:
> All that I seem to remember consists of a butler—one of your friends perhaps?— pitching endless amounts of liquor at my husband; indubitably in an attempt to wring some money out of the ordeal, I think.”
Out of the ordeal? No, out of Mr. Usha.
> Laurana was now passed the small table which stood by the doorway…
Change ‘passed* to ‘past’.
~ * ~
Ah! Done! That took longer than I was expecting, but it was well worth it. Typically, higher level stories like this don't take as long to review as ones that are riddled with errors, large and small. But, per your request, I noted every mistake I saw, and was about as harsh as I have ever been.
That said, I thoroughly enjoyed this Eclipse, and hope to see it continued.
~ O_o

rbie

Lorehound

through and through.

09-Mar-2009 22:19:17

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Orb Master44,
Hello. I thought that it would be pertinent to explain a few of my "errors", perhaps in order to inform you for future reviews. I also appreciate your time in reading and reviewing "Lunar Eclipse". The typographical error you pointed out has now been remedied. Additionally I have fixed three grammar errors and two punctuation marks which inhibited flow.

"I have two issues – the first is zephyesque. Are ‘gentle’ and ‘mild’ so abhorrent that you have to invent your own word? The other is the field; or is it *a* field? That’s the problem. You refer to it both ways. Consider changing ‘a field’ in the second sentence to ‘this field’."
--- I chose to use the word zephyresque because it means "descendant of or similar to the breeze of a coastal shore." This is to ensure appropriate description of the type of breeze which paraded around: it was not a gust, and it was not a dry wind: it was the salty, chilling breeze of the sea.
Additionally, I chose to use the word "a" instead of "the" or "this" because "a" promotes the autonomy of the piece. "The" is restrictive to thought and "this" is inhibitive to the method of presentation: by using "this" I would have been presenting the information almost as a play would, myself being the narrator. This would have been drastically different in effect than what I intended when writing the piece.

10-Mar-2009 01:31:07 - Last edited on 30-May-2010 13:59:19 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"> Her friend, who’d not heard the list of rules, and Code of Conduct before,
The comma after rules is not needed. "
---- This is a very important point when reading anything that I write: Stories that I write are written in order to be read either out loud or within the head. They are designed to incorporate flow above all else -- though many would suggest otherwise -- and regardless of a few errors (I do again thank you for the two you helped me to fix), I like to think that this is my most used ability, my presentational quality.
I used this comma, after "rules", because I wanted the reader to stop after reading rules; I wanted the reader to stop and contemplate what he or she had just read before moving on. This is achieved grammatically correctly because it is inflectional listing. I could quote some source of justification for my comma usage, but I trust that your belief in me will suffice. While some readers find this quality of my writing to be actually inhibitive to flow, I have found that the higher quality readers -- those of the highest literary echelon -- oftentimes appreciate the quality. I provide also that some of these high quality readers, such as yourself, also find this inhibitive. I do not know exactly why this is, but I speculate that this is because you get caught reviewing and are looking for mistakes: the biggest -- perhaps second largest -- mistake made in this language is punctuation. I think that you were focusing on words rather than sentences, so to say. Again, this is only my speculation. Please also note that I am in no way qualified to state which method of reading -- by word or by sentence -- is better. I simply prefer mine.

10-Mar-2009 01:53:04

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"‘recited’ is best applied to speech, it does not quite fit an expression. Consider ‘bore’ instead. "
---- I chose to use "recited" because it is related to "recital", which is a form of production, usually by acting. This gives "recited" a nice undertone for those users who are reading the story for a deeper meaning while still providing for those simply escaping boredom.
I would use "bore", but I find this word ambiguous. "Bore" is from "to bear" meaning:
"To carry. a. to move while holding up and supporting. b: to be equipped or furnished with c: to hold in the mind."
I do not think that any of these properly fits what I am trying to insinuate. While further reading informs me that "bore" also can mean something along the lines of applicable, I still do not think that the synonyms work.

"‘an’ should be *the’. The repetition of ‘with’ bothers me, too. "
---- This is the first error that I fixed. Originally I had changed "the" to "an" because I thought it helped the thought. I see now that it does not. If you could supply a replacement for "with" that would make just as much sense and would provide the same method of flow, I would appreciate it.
"I don’t think ‘vast’ quite fits here. Everything is relative, of course, but their problem is a small one – and, honestly, slightly strange. People are buried in the rain all the time."
---- I chose to use "vast" because their predicament, relative to the scene, is gargantuan. Their son has just been attacked by something unexplainable and exsanguinated onto the cottage floor in some faraway field. They can't explain the death, they can't justify it, and now, they can't even really justify their son because the rain impedes the burial.
The Ushas do not bury people in the rain, and this causes much distress. This is relative, as you said.

10-Mar-2009 02:00:04 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 02:05:07 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"Unnecessary complexity. Consider this rephrasing of the middle section – ‘scarlet with blood seeping from every orifice and pore of the youth’s body’. Also, the section after the final comma does not work. Consciousness refers not to a state of the body, but of the mind."
---- I chose to phrase this the way I did, with hyphens and the complexity present, because there is no other way to properly convey the feelings of the mother. When your child dies, you have very complex feelings and thoughts, and these are translated through the piece by this sentence.
I chose to use the hyphen because it demands that the reader stop his or her train of thought, and begin with the proper inflection. The reader must fully understand the rhythm of the sentence to understand its meaning, and the complexity of the sentence makes it so that the reader, usually, realises that he or she must understand the sentence.
You will note, after reading later parts, that the boy did not die. After I finish posting what I've not yet written (=)!), you will understand my choice of words.

"The repetition of ‘almost’ bothers me. It’s a weak word. "
---- Could you perhaps suggest a better word? I am wanting to use "nigh" but I feel that this would alter the meaning of the sentence.

"Betrothed means, according to MS Word and Dictionary dot ***, to be engaged. They were engaged after they were engaged? "
---- Where I live, "betrothed" is used to also mean marriage. If this is not true elsewhere, I will change the phrase.

10-Mar-2009 02:10:04 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 02:14:58 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"Um…okay…no, sorry, what? She stabbed him. That’s the body. Did she, during the course of the murder, also render him insane and do whatever one does to murder a soul? This sentence seems like baseless overkill – the murder is drama enough. "
---- The murder of love in the chill of spite is oftentimes used as a means of killing the soul. Keep in mind that this sentence is used to describe her feelings; she killed and decimated every portion of his existence possible. She condemned him to hell, and wrought the Devil's fury, as best she could, upon his immortal being.

"Yikes. This is a jumbled mess. You say none of them spoke, but then they spoke little, and I’m never quite sure who you’re referring to. Here’s a possible rewrite – ‘The group, which consisted of roughly twenty persons, wore strange and outlandish clothing, and none save the commander issued a sound.’"
---- You are correct! This sentence is absolutely horrid. I will change it now -- I hadn't realised that it was so... *shudder*.

"‘bounds’ should be ‘mounds*, I think? "
---- No. I meant to type "bounds".

"The arrangement of this sentence implies that the dining room is the disease which plagues the house. Consider rephrasing. "
--- The dining room is the portion of the house which is the disease. It, and all of its subsidiary possessions, are what caused the blot upon Usha Manor's immaculateness.

"‘main’ should be ‘man’. "
---- Yes it should be "man". This is now fixed.

10-Mar-2009 02:17:50 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 02:24:37 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"‘infantile’ is grammatically incorrect here. And since ‘infantilely’ is not a word, you can reword at your own discretion. I’ve got no ideas for you."
---- I disagree. I think that "infantile", in its adapted definition, is grammatically correct. It also creates a nice picture in my mind -- and I hope, therefore, others -- of what the scene looked as.

"Out of the ordeal? No, out of Mr. Usha. "
---- No, the person was meaning to wring money from the ordeal****. Usha, combined with the liquor and perhaps a bit of tiredness, would have wrung the money****. Usha by himself, however, would not have. The person had intended to make money off of the entire fiasco -- the dinner, the inebriated Mr. Usha as well as the crazed, and slightly insane, Laurana.
[I really do wish that at some nearby date, I can type "Mr. Usha" without it being censored constantly.]

"Change ‘passed* to ‘past’.
---- I have done so.

Thank you for your corrections. I really do appreciate them. I hope that my responses to each of your points made sense, and that perhaps you have learned something further about my writing. If there is anything that you feel still needs to be changed, please post saying so, and I will research it further. If a third party -- probably a reference book -- deems you more correct, I will of course change it with a grateful, though unseen, smile. =)
Thank you for reading and reviewing "Lunar Eclipse". I really appreciate the fact that you enjoyed it, and I hope that during the Summer you will read more of it.

10-Mar-2009 02:26:19 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 02:30:54 by Yrolg

Nov

2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Gracious, I've rarely received such commentary on my commentary! I'll respond in a few moments...
My issue with Zephyresque is that, according to the sources at my disposal, it's not actually a word. Thus not only did I, upon a first reading, not know it's meaning, but could not actually find it when I looked.
Changing to 'this' is not the only solution, but my issue was that you refer to it as 'the field' and then 'a field', which seems contradictory.
I noticed the technically grammatically incorrect placement of commas several times, and did not point all of the occurrences out, because I suspected a reason. And there it is! Placement like that is not 100% effective, as in typical grammar commas do not always signify pauses, but it's an impressive level of depth to be writing with.
Betrothed means, according all the sources at my disposal, to be engaged. It may be an American thing, but most of your readers will be American, so I do recommend changing it.
Treating him 'infantile', I still don't like, but I'll concede that it works grammatically.
> A terrible storm had started almost immediately after Leir’s death. The almost unnatural storm’s rain had continued unrelentingly…
A quick fix would be to delete the second 'almost'. 'Seemingly' could also work as a replacement to the second almost.
On the subject of exactly what had the money wrung out of it - yes, the situation was used in the wringing of money, but the money nonetheless came from Mr. Usha, if we want to be literal about it. I like to be literal, but that's my own preference.
~ O_o

rbie

Lorehound

through and through.

10-Mar-2009 02:38:23 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 02:56:23 by Orbestro

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I think that I prefer "seemingly", though I use this word excessively in Chapter III. I suppose that the gap will suffice as a memory blocker.

I'll change this as well as "betrothed" now.

"Zephyresque" comes from the root "zephyr" and the suffix "esque". Whilst "esque" is normally tagged on to foreign words and roots that end in a vowel, I decided that "zephyry" didn't work well. It was discretionary application, and this is why you didn't find it in your dictionary.
The "the" and "a" debate is still not ringing clear with me. I think that I will think over it tomorrow and come to a decision then.

Also, do you think you could expand on your thoughts of my characters' dialogue and development?

10-Mar-2009 02:56:07 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 03:04:11 by Yrolg

Nov

2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I'll elaborate on the 'the' and 'a' problem in a moment, its apparent I'm not making myself clear. Here we go:
>Without clouds, and with a light, zephyresque breeze traipsing about the field, it was a perfect night for a hunt. /Centred within a field was a conglomeration of families...
You refer to it at first as 'the field', implying uniqueness - a single field, the field which you have just described. Then it is called, ambiguously, 'a field', which separates and alienates it from the previous description.

Here is an example of a break in dialect:
>You were very drunk last night, and now you’re undergoing a hangover. Your head will hurt for a while, and you will feel dizzy and sick.
Dialect is, of course, not written in stone, but this section seemed, to me, out of place. I would change it along the lines of:
'You were very drunk last night, and now you're havin' a hangover. Your head'll hurt for a while, and you'll feel dizzy 'n sick.'
It sounds more natural, to me.
~ O_o

rbie

Lorehound

through and through.

10-Mar-2009 03:11:00 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 03:13:28 by Orbestro

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Lunar Eclipse