I want to make a vernacular point, regarding the use of the word "shift". Normally, I encounter the word "gown" when dealing with hospital attire. In fact, I originally thought "shift" was a typo for "shirt", but upon the second use I realised it was not. On a personally curious note, do you colloquially refer to hospital gowns as shifts? I recognize that they are one and the same, but I'm curious as to why you chose that particular word.
And a typo in this sentence: "The man's prognosis made Mark felt oddly comfortable". Instead of felt, perhaps feel? I think this whole sentence could be replaced with an illustration rather than a description. The old maxim of fictional writing, after all, is "Show, don't tell." Note from two paragraphs later that "alright" is not a word: "all right" is the appropriate choice.
And lastly, the end mentions that the hallway is dimly lit, but nowhere else does the piece do so. In fact, at one point, in relativity, you were commenting on how invasive the light of the hallway really was.
Overall, the piece carries a lot of potential; you will need to focus on technical, grammatical, and stylistic changes if you want it to be its best. The discrepancies in our scores occur most regarding technical and grammatical execution, so I hope you can take the advice above to heart in ensuring that the piece grows into its potential.
As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask them. I will be happy to clarify anything I've mentioned or any concerns you have.
21-Sep-2013 15:43:16
