"Soft sobs pierced the ever-extending silence between the labored breaths of the hospital bed in a shadowed room."
This adds an excitement to the first sentence — through the word pierce, which is a very active verb in connotation (like piercing someone's armor) — and illustrates just how lonely the daughter must be, that the only things in the world to her are the sadness she feels and the ever-growing silences between breaths. It also serves to emphasize the laborious breathing and helps to foreshadow the end of the piece. Finally, by attributing this breathing to the hospital bed, we are emphasizing the physicality of the breathing, stressing its importance to the patient's presence in the physical world. This juxtaposes well with the idea that at the end (or middle) of the piece, this patient in fact dies, moving on from the physical world.
The end of the first example, however, shows an even simpler solution: "Out in the hallway, someone flipped a light on, and the beams spilled through the small rectangular window of the door to reveal a young woman sitting hunched over a weary-looking aged man." The sentence describes too much in too much detail; it often uses two or three words where just one would do. Please also note that throughout the piece, commas are missing from double-described words. When two adjectives describe the same noun, the should normally be separated by a comma (ie the small, rectangular window).
"Out in the hallway, a light flickered on, and the beams spilled through the small window of the door to reveal a young woman hunched over a weary-looking man."
There are other ways to make the sentence stronger, but I think you can get the gist of my point from the changes.
21-Sep-2013 15:43:05
