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Dragons of Surdaus

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xxDkreignxx

xxDkreignxx

Posts: 10,061 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Humor... is not one of my strong points. As you'll see in my later stories, the few times I use it are as comic relief... and then not very often.
The action... yeah, I'd probably have to agree with you on that. Definitely needs more action... the problem is finding a place to put it. I've been deeply considering lengthening the fight with Maereth, by two posts and changing the ending, but aside from that... ah, I'll come up with something.
Thanks for the review :D Been a while since I last had one. I'll go fix that typo.

09-Mar-2009 22:39:19

Pigwig70
Nov Member 2020

Pigwig70

Posts: 5,682 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
49-50-600-54469654. I'm on page three :) I'll read more later (the reason i didn't want to reply on the other thread (dragon story2 :P ) is cuz i got like 20 other threads on my profile. It's really crowded....)

10-Mar-2009 15:50:47 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2009 15:51:43 by Pigwig70

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi Arthas, your review has been completed! :)
Before I begin, I'd like to say one thing: While I was dubious over your skill when I read the excerpt you had posted in the SD, after having read this my entire opinion of you has changed. As well, the ending was very powerful, it brought a tear or two to my eye. But only one or two. :P
Anyway, I will begin with your typos, spelling/grammar mistakes and other queries, will follow up with an assessment and conclude with your final marks, capiche?

07-Apr-2009 03:53:41 - Last edited on 07-Apr-2009 04:02:46 by WintryElf

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here we go with those typos, spelling/grammar mistakes and assorted queries:
the long face of a young, handsome green dragon stared back at me
How would Aaron know how to tell if a dragon was young?
"I-I am Aaron, who are you?" I spoke!
Never use punctuation to explain your descriptions. “Suddenly, Bob jumped into the room and darts missed his neck by a millimetre!” is TELLING us to be excited. End it with a period, always, and let –us- figure it out.
He was mostly red -in the same way that I was mostly green- with some black: red eyes, black wings, claws, spikes and tail tip. His scales had a fire-red hue to them.
You told us twice that he’s red – we know!
arrowhead shape, etc
Never use abbreviations with description! I would say “many other features alike to my own.”
I decided, stretching my own, lavender wings.
To put it bluntly, I’m sick and tired of this lavender stuff! It’s the sixth or seventh time you’ve used ‘lavender’ to describe his wings! You –really- need to find other adjectives or synonyms with ‘lavender.’ Like ‘faded violet,’ for instance, or even just a simple ‘purple.’ Also, his wings are not just coloured appendages. They’re finely-tuned, elegant, beautiful instruments of flight! Describe them as such! Vibrant wings! Powerful wings! Finely-tuned, elegant, beautiful wings!
"Good morning, Zek!" he called as a blue dragon walked across the street up ahead
There’s no description here at ALL. All that I get to go on is ‘a blue dragon.’ For a supporting character, that’s pretty skimpy.
about the second....
only three dots compose an ellipse, not four. ‘...’ is how it’s done.
(A.N.: Instinctively knowing who to trust and who not to trust is what Aaron's refering to here).
Those A.N’s make it look tacky. Especially when you start using them as a crutch to make people understand the parts of the story that YOU did*’t write as clearly as you could have.

07-Apr-2009 03:56:05

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
unfolded my own, lavender wings
Roar. More lavender. I won’t rub it in your face again, but you’d better believe I’m going to point it out every time you use this adjective. Also, how does he know how to unfold his wings?! If I suddenly sprouted wings like an angel’s, I’d be pretty clueless as to how I was supposed to manipulate them!
look back at my lavender wings
Roar. Lavender again.
~A dragon!~ I thought, shocked. Then I realized: ~No, wait... it can't be a dragon....~ It wasn't a dragon... but it sure as hell looked like one: it had the same basic build as a dragon - a lizard's body, a muzzle, batlike wings, serpentine tail and eyes, etc. - but it had a leathery, dark-brown hide, not scales. It eyes' pupils were pitch-black. Scars covered its thin yet big body.
I call this an Eragon copy. This is a fully-grown Ra’zac. Don’t try to deny it, please.
He nearly droped it.
Yay! First spelling error! Wooooo! I don’t think I need to tell you how to spell this properly, and I trust you’ll fix it.
five-fundred eighty
Hundred.
blood-red, serpentine
You use the adjective ‘serpentine’ to describe every facet of your dragons. Mix it up a little! o_O
It was my tenth Birthday, and I loved to show off that poster on my Birthdays.
Birthday does not need capitalisation.
it tore through the seat of my pants. I turned my head over my shoulder, watching in shock as a long, green tail sprouted from my pants.
You used ‘pants’ too much – there are also so many other ways to describe it!

07-Apr-2009 03:57:53

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