RuneScape Forum Archive | Dragons of Surdaus

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I was in a forest: I'd bumped into a log with my left-front leg...
• Incorrect use of a colon.
~Leg?~ I looked down in shock at the leg where my left-arm should've been:
• Incorrect wording led me to believe his left arm and left leg were the same thing.
The tip of his tail was also black. He looked playful and jubient, so I knew he probably wouldn't believe me if I told him what I really was.
• Jubient should be “jubilant.” SPELLING.
The room was dark, and it took my eyes several seconds to adjust: The room was large and made up the entirity of the house.
• Entirity should be “entirety.” SPELLING.

She was a beautiful, icy-blue color. Her claws were a dull grey, but it didn't diminish the color of her scales, only heightened them.
• I believe that the comma at the end of the last sentence should be a semi-colon.
The room brightened as she raised her head and looked at me -several torches on the walls lit up-: I looked away, shyly.
• I think the hyphens and colon.
Page Two, Post Three- You wrote, “I said, shyly,” around three times. No deducting points, but it is rather annoying to read the same thing over and over.
Now, I know Dragons are cold-blooded and, technically, can't blush, but I swear I felt my face warm at the memory of my first attempt at flying. "Don't worry, Aaron, no one gets it on the first try," Skye remarked sarcastically.
"Oh, I forgot: Zek doesn't like Green Dragons very much," Skye apoligized. "Never did explain why.... Eh, don't worry about it: He'll get over it eventually."
• The colon should be a semi-colon.
"I'll go talk to my parents: You can go back to that bedroom you were in."
• That colon should be a semi-colon.
I shifted my wings, restlessly.
• Don’t think you need the comma there to separate the adjective and the sentence.
Skye, however, grinned, unfolding his black wings. “...or start without her."
• I think you need to capitalize the dialogue’s beginning.

24-Apr-2008 02:26:31

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I hissed at it -an unbidden instinct-, baring my teeth, and the beast lunged its head downward at me, aiming for my neck... I snapped my eyes shut...
• Did*’t space after the hyphens.
My tail -which was wrapped around me- was bandaged. ~How could a Dragon put on a bandage...? And how do I know what the hell a bandage is?~ I wondered. I didn't have long to ponder before -for the first one at least- I got my answer. A short, wide-eyed, two-legged creature walked into the room.
• Two extra hyphens that are unneeded.
It wasn't very big- certainly smaller than me. It was brown-skinned, bat-eared, and looked a bit dwarfish (Author's Note: think "Gremlin". Not seeing that I was awake, it bent down, carefully unwrapping the bandages on my tail. It didn't hurt when he removed them, so I guessed my tail must've healed already. I closed my eyes and let him finish. But, when he was done, I asked, "Who are you?"
• Lowercase the dialogue’s first word. “Who.”
Skye laughed, jubiently. "Ready? We've been ready for two days! We've just been waiting for you." He grinned, turning towards the doorway. "Come on, Zek's alreay left; he got tired of waiting for you, and we don't wanna keep the others waiting any longer."
• You spelled jubilantly wrong. You also misspelled “already.”
As Kad and I walked back to our house -Kad and Skye were cousins- I thought back to four months ago... Maereth... the Avian... we'd discovered his name when we went in search of the Avians' Eyrie at the northern edge of the valley. The Avians were in a time of famine: their natural prey -a race called the Dorguun- had recently left the valley, leaving the Avians with little food. The attack was out of desperation, not murderous intent.
• Unneeded extra hyphens.
I pitied the Avian... I truly did: He wasn't in his right mind when he attacked me and Skye.
• Colon should be a semi-colon.

24-Apr-2008 02:26:52

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Seeldah warned me to never go there: Very dangerous creatures resided there, not only Dark Dragons... and not all them were Dragons, either...
• Did*’t need to capitalize the word after the colon.
When we reached the house, I went straight to my room, ready to take a long rest after working all day. I laid down on my tablet, lowered a wing over me -it was a cold night-, and fell asleep, exhausted.
• Unneeded hyphen.
"Seeldah, they are coming, you have to tell him... now," the Dragon pleaded. Seeldah turned her head towards the Light Dragon: He was mostly silver, but his scales were lined with gold, giving him the appearance of a knight in silver and gold armor. His head was long and arrow-shaped, with long, sharp, golden spikes on either side of it, extending out of the back of his skull. There was a look of desperation in his silver eyes. "We... are... running... out... of... time."
• Did*’t need to capitalize after the colon.
Seeldah hissed. "He is too young; he cannot fight them! If you send him, now, he will die." Tears poured from her eyes. "We have to leave; escape before they get here... I will take him myself if I have to."
• I don’t believe you need a comma after, “’…If you send him>,< now, he will die.’”
The Light Dragon shook his head sadly. "Celmax has been missing for five-hundred-and-eighty years, Seeldah... he is dead." His eyes softened. "I know how you feel for Aaron, Seeldah: His death will be tragic... but innevitable."
•Did*’t need to capitalize after the colon, and you spelled inevitable wrong. SPELLING.

24-Apr-2008 02:27:05

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Far away, in the rubble of Seeldah's house, the carving of the White Dragon crumbled to dust.... Buried in that same rubble, however, Heart of Emerald began to glow brightly....
• You seemed to have forgotten the word “the” before, “Heart of Emerald.”

24-Apr-2008 02:27:15