RuneScape Forum Archive | ~~Brotherly Love~~

Venmi

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“…even when the rest of the world belonged to Edward, here, in that dark casket was where Ronny achieved his ultimate victory.”
Comma after casket would be nice.
“The Kings had to encourage conversation between Edward and Jasmine, both were unresponsive to questions and prompts.”
The comma should be a semi-colon. Both parts are independent clauses.
“So many possibilities crossed Edward’s mind at that moment, he was impossible to stay calm.”
The comma should be a semi-colon, and the second clause should be rephrased to something like: “it was impossible for him to stay calm.”
“It was in his intention to follow up on what was said because, not only to satisfy his own curiosity, but also, if Ronny really did know something, he had to make sure his brother was fine with it.”
Take out also and its comma. It is quite the interrupter.
“Better to tell him in person, than to have a freaked out brother, who could do anything.”
No commas are needed in this sentence.
“…the subject was dropped soon after, when the King again...”
Once again, the comma isn’t needed.
“Maybe Ronny’s intention was to allow time for him to wonder how much he really knew, and savour his agony that came when the answer was maliciously held.”
Relook at this sentence. The structure is weird and difficult to understand.
“Edward smiled to himself as a squire approached, reluctantly, and informed him that the King requested his audience immediately in the dining hall.”
Rid yourself of the commas and put reluctantly before approached.
“…and spare his family one, violent shock.”
The one shock is a violent shock, so remove the comma. It’s one violent shock.
“…if his father knew, he could still be stripped of his title, exiled from the palace.”
Dash mark after title, not a comma.

10-Jun-2011 22:17:51 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:24:09 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Before him lay a treacherous path, should he decide to drop the pretence, the mask he was forced to wear.”
Lay should be lies, I think. Lay sounds wrong, but I can’t exactly figure out what is correct. And the sentence doesn’t feel complete. Maybe something like this would work better:
“Before him lies a treacherous path—having to take off his mask, to admit what was hidden.”
I’m not sure if that’s how you want it, but what I put seems more complete.
“‘He is my boyfriend, Father,’ Edward said, bravely.”
The comma after said isn’t necessary again.
“How dared he?”
Is this even supposed to be a question? Also, dared should just be dare.
“The royal family has always some secrets or the other and only on his death bed did the King reveal what he was thinking then, in that dining hall, and what caused him to make the decision afterwards.”
Switch has and always. Is or supposed to be of? This is a little confusing.
“Ronny sat back as he watched Edward and his father debated for minutes on end, both too stubborn to back down, both failing to convince the other.”
Debated should just be debate.
“To Ronny’s surprise in his brother’s eyes was not fear or sadness – it was hatred.”
Comma after surprise.
*It was resentment, and anger at everything around him in this hall, everything he once loved, believed and stood for, with perhaps Tyler his only exception.”
The comma after resentment doesn’t need to be there, and the comma after hall should be a dash mark.
*Nobody knew how much exactly she understood the situation.”
Put exactly before how.
“…it gives them blind faith that the future would work out just right for them, as long as they believed.”
The comma after them should either be removed or replaced with a dash mark. It’s a stylistic choice on your part there. Also, believed should just be believe.

10-Jun-2011 22:17:51 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:24:58 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“With their belief, they can commit atrocities in the name of their god, without any conscience or regret, similar to that of a madman, totally convinced they are doing the right thing.”
If you’re talking about all people believing in different religions, belief should be plural. Are you talking about religion and the word belief as a singular subject? If so, then this works, but it just seems weird to me. If it’s not, change it. The entire paragraph will have to be looked at in order to correct everything. Also, the commas after God (capitalize your proper noun please) and madman don’t need to be there.
“They can do frightening things to people, in their god’s name, end lives, and at the end, feel nothing.”
Capitalize God again. The comma after people doesn’t need to be there. Also, the comma after name would be better as a dash mark.
“The religion stops them questioning their beliefs.”
Belief is plural here. Why not earlier?
“Like a disease, the religions spread their beliefs, like dark tentacles in the world…”
Comma after beliefs doesn’t need to be there.
“…everyone believes in the one religion, the one denomination.”
That comma is better as a dash mark.
“The teachings need to tap at the morality already existed within the conscience of mankind.”
Existed should be existing.
“Why else at the heart of all religions is a sense of unity and compassion between its followers?”
This should be: “Why else, at the heart of all religions, is there a sense of unity and compassion between its followers?
“…one of which had a steel gate where guards would twice a day come in and take him…”
Switch “twice a day” and “come in.” It sounds better that way.
“…he saw people on the outside carried on without him.”
Carried should be in the present tense (carry).

10-Jun-2011 22:17:52 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:25:39 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“It was satisfying to hear the horrid scream that followed, as his teeth once again tore through the rat’s skin, again biting into the back of the animal and again tasting blood.”
The comma after followed doesn’t need to be there.
“He would find a porch of grass to sit on, and look up to the highest chamber in the tower, not saying a word.”
The comma after “on” is not needed.
“…to sit on the grass, waiting for him.”
That comma isn’t needed either.
“They would imagine what the other was saying, or thinking.”
Unnecessary comma… again.
“It seemed almost pointless, for, how could they be sure that their imagination wasn’t clouded by self-serving thoughts and ideas?”
The commas and the word for should just be removed and it should be two sentences instead of one.
“His father’s for issuing that order, but most of all, Ronny, for telling his father something that was never in his place to disclose.*
I think Ronny should also be a possessive proper noun.
“When his mother suffered the brain injury he could have raised questions and challenged his father, denounced him publically…”
Comma after injury, and the end should be rephrased to: “...he could have raised questions and challenge his father and denounce him publically.” See the change in tenses that was needed?
“Ronny on the other hand, was always so self-absorbed, even when Edward came to his rescue when other kids picked on him, never did it occur to Ronny to say thank you.”
“Edward didn't know that, never for a moment had Ronny been proud of what he had done.”
This should be rephrased to: “Edward did*’t know that Ronny has never been proud of what he did, not even for a moment.”
“Why send letters when he could visit in person, if he truly cared?”
The comma should be a dash mark.
*Nobody in the palace dared to confront the monster they made, nobody ever came for him, for five years. Nobody cared about him.”
The first comma should be a semi-colon or a period, and the second shouldn’t even be there.

10-Jun-2011 22:17:53 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:26:04 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“He wished he had snapped his brother’s neck, in the same, easy way as he did to that rat, when he had the chance.”
The comma after same should not be there.
“Then, he too was innocent, he too had so much to look forward to, before Ronny ruined it all.”
Get rid of the comma after “to.”
“There must have been one unfortunate occasion where Ronny had caught them together, behaving intimately.”
Change the end to: “behaving intimately together.”
“…two thousand and thirty seven days…”
Thirty-seven should look like this—with a dash mark between thirty and seven. Also, the and shouldn’t be there.
“…his explained the incredulous look he gave, when a guard announced that someone had come for him.”
The comma after gave shouldn’t be there.
“Moved, because he thought he was no longer a living person, irredeemable.”
The comma after person should be a dash mark.
“Still, there were no words exchanged yet, between the two.”
If you want that dramatic pause, I would rearrange it to something like this: “Still, the two did not exchange words—not yet.”
“Once it reached his mouth, despite instinct told him otherwise, he decided against spewing it.”
Told should be telling.
“There was no strength, no authority, in his voice.”
Dash marks instead of commas feel more appropriate.
“The two guards exchanged looks, and went reluctantly away.”
Switch the last two words.
“Ronny had thought that privacy would give him the courage to speak, but it was not easy, when Edward was there…”
The comma after easy isn’t needed.
“The Edward Ronny saw now, in the cell, was more exhausted and ill, than Ronny ever remembered.”
All those commas look wrong. I would remove them.
“So much emotion, so much childhood memory was coming back to Ronny now.*
Make this plural.
“‘If you change your mind, let us know…’ Ronny muttered, before turning away, impatient to leave this humiliating silence.”
No comma after muttered.

10-Jun-2011 22:17:54 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:26:47 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Once he was out of sight, he stopped, closed his eyes, and finally letting that tear roll down his cheek.”
Letting should just be let.
“…he intended to hurt him just as he did, five years ago.”
The comma shouldn’t be there.
“It took Ronny everything, to face up to the past.”
I see the pause you want in there, but there is a better way to do it. Maybe something like this: “To face up to his past, it took everything Ronny had within.
“Soon, Ronny would be king and the whole incident would be forgotten, forever.”
The second comma would be better off as an ellipses.
“…save the wind he could hear, knocking over plant pots in its way.”
That comma shouldn’t be there.
“He could still marry him in front of that altar, if Tyler’s feelings for him remained unchanged, and if that is still what he wanted.”
The comma after altar represents *that is” which is better represented by a dash mark.
“Edward’s eyes glowed as he imagined the things in life they could still do, together.”
Ellipses again.
“To his surprise, when he opened his drawer, there was a note, a letter, without envelope, sitting on top of the pile of his belongings.”
Change the end to: “…there was a note—a letter without an envelope—sitting on top of the pile of his belongings.”
“…your father will have realised he was wrong about you, and could stand by, and watch you suffer no longer.”
The comma after by shouldn’t be there.
“It is strange that the night you made love to me should seem so very, far away…”
The comma shouldn’t be there—a recurring theme.
“I was torn between writing it, break your heart and hopefully secure your release, and in the same time, I didn't want to lose you, or hurt you any more than your family already did.”
Break should be breaking, and secure should be securing. In should be at.
“…this is not your fault, or anybody else’s – well, maybe except your brother”
Brother should be brother’s.

10-Jun-2011 22:17:55 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:27:18 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“I was never more in love, never more certain that the future was bright, with you by my side.”
“With you by my side,” should have “than I was” in front.
“It was difficult to think when so many emotions, so much emotion, were compressed**
That “so much emotion” there should not be there. If you want something like that, think of something different. “So much emotion” is so very wrong.
“So who has he been waiting for, in the last five years? The moment of reunion, or the hope of it, was shattered, forever.”
The comma after for shouldn’t be there. And the comma after shattered should be an ellipses if you want that pause.
“He looked around him, the village, the prison, Reldo, and the wilderness in the north. What a horrible world.”
Is he looking at the things around him? If so, put a colon after him instead of a comma.
“It didn't matter where he go.”
Go should be went.
“I hoped those, and what survived in memory would be enough to give him the justice he deserved.”
Comma after memory.
“If anything, I would not deny the right of others to know the truth, of what happened to Edward.”
Comma after truth shouldn’t be there.
“Then, one day I realised how empty, how hollow the palace seemed, without family.”
Put the comma after hollow instead of after seemed.
“It was silly of me to write Edward that letter, and think that Edward would still come back and agree to be king, if Tyler was not here.”
The comma after king shouldn’t be there.
“I owed Edward an explanation, of how it happened and why I did the things I did.”
The comma should be a dash mark.
“I would be even more of a coward, if I were to write in my novel that, Edward had forgiven me or, he still loved me, and cared about me like he used to.”
Wow! Yikes! Every comma in there shouldn’t be there.
“This, is my purpose.”
No comma.

10-Jun-2011 22:18:56 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:27:42 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Description/Vocabulary -- 27/30 -- Once again, you know how to capture people with your description. Many different emotions went through me with how you described everything. For example, the way Tyler wrote the letter, or the way you described Edward eating that rat—which by the way also teaches the lesson that a person brought to disparity will do anything to get what they want or need. Two completely different emotions are brought out and many more in-between. I do have two problems, though.
First off, you seem to like to describe every little thing. You remind me a little of Nathaniel Hawthorne. If you don’t know, he wrote the novel called “The Scarlet Letter.” The book isn’t terrible, but the detail dragged on and on so much that it was extremely boring. You don’t even close come to the level of Nathaniel Hawthorne, but please note that you are on that path.
Second, your descriptions in the first paragraph are arranged a little weird. First, the subject is Ronny, then the subject is Edward, and then it goes back to Ronny again. It’s a little off-kilter and feels very weird in the grand scheme of things.
Plot/Conflict -- 63/65 -- Absolutely beautiful plot, English. Definitely something only you would come up with. The hatred of Ronny by Edward for exposing him, the secrets held from him due to his imprisonment, everything just entranced me.
First off, I love the secret between Edward and Tyler. I was never expecting a prince who loved men to be in love with a kitchen boy. The cliché “royalty falls in love with a peasant” is used in an entirely new way, and it works wonderfully. It works so well because of the different directions the story can go, and you chose the most brutal way possible.

10-Jun-2011 22:18:57 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:28:38 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I think the plot is mainly based on character development, so I will go into that there, but the plot from beginning to end was crafted marvelously. It wasn’t just some chicken scratch that had a beginning, middle, and end (like a lot of my stuff XD).
I appreciated the twists most of all. Ronny coming back to try to get Edward out of jail and be a king was unexpected, and the same thing with Reldo coming up. Both were unexpected, but I think what was the biggest twist was the fact that Tyler was hung five days after Edward’s exile. It was quite sad, and a twist I won’t forget anytime soon. Great job.
Originality/Creativity -- 29/30 -- There is something different about how original your writing is, English. You do something that I thoroughly enjoy doing and wish I could do it better. You take some of the most cliché things in film, books, video games, etc. and make it something interesting, unique, and completely original.
As I mentioned above, you took the corny “royalty falls in love with a peasant” thing and made it original and interesting. I was hoping to see more from Tyler and Edward as the story progressed. This man-to-man coupling intrigued me because I know people who are like that. Seeing it in someone’s writing just makes me smile. And it is done in a way that isn’t completely out of whack. I really enjoyed it.
Character Development -- 49/50 -- I really can’t throw much into this category because it is all mentioned above. The development of every character is incredible, and each has an important role, whether it be the king, the queen, Edward, Ronny, Tyler, or even the guard Tyler knew who was only mentioned in the letter. Every character had its place.
I also enjoyed seeing the growth of Ronny. Edward was torn so much that he changed completely, which is quite sad because I know people who end up becoming completely different because of what happened to them. You definitely know how to develop characters, and I really don’t have any complaints.

10-Jun-2011 22:19:24 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:29:10 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Total --179/200 -- This is an 89.5%, a remarkable achievement. The thing that killed you is the grammar. I am quite harsh when it comes to that, but twenty-five points for a section is not a lot when there are five and it’s out of two hundred. The story itself, though, is absolutely incredible. You surely know how to capture people. Brotherly Love is an amazing accomplishment that holds no boundaries in any sense of the word.

10-Jun-2011 22:20:57 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2011 22:29:54 by Venmi

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