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~~Brotherly Love~~
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Hey Englishkid. Sorry for the long wait, but I just read just around the first page of your story and I'm pretty impressed.
I especially found the first part very believable and it was very easy to identify with Ronny. The question about the reason of one's life is probably one that everyone on this forum ever asked himself. (Not at the cost of suicide though, haha
)
This allowed me to easily slip into the emotional shell that was Ronny, and made reading the first parts very enjoyable. So far, you created a very plausible, deep character of which I haven't seen the likes on this forum yet.
"Opting not to look outside, he would glide sleepy-eyed down the long corridor of the first floor, under the surveillance of suits of armour on the sides. He would catch his own reflection in a gilt mirror, and would again be reminded that his pillow was an abysmal hairdresser. While he was there anyway, he might as well travel another two rooms to the left, to the bathroom, brush his teeth, and go to the loo. Beneath his feet would be a golden rug with a corner chewed away by a dog long-dead. After a twenty-minute shower, he would sort out his hair and, reaching the kitchen at last for some food, would be told by the cook that he’d missed breakfast by at least four hours. He would have to go with a growling stomach to Reldo, for the reading session in the library…"
I wasn't really that fond of the 'would'-structure here. I can understand why you've done it, and it stresses the repetition Ronny does in his head, but that's also how it felt to read: A repetition. The massive usage of 'would' makes this piece much less diverse than what you are undoubtly capable of, which I found a shame.
It continues in the same fair quality it has upheld from the beginning, although the later parts failed to grasp me as much as the beginning parts, which were a little bit more powerful.
I especially found the first part very believable and it was very easy to identify with Ronny. The question about the reason of one's life is probably one that everyone on this forum ever asked himself. (Not at the cost of suicide though, haha
)
This allowed me to easily slip into the emotional shell that was Ronny, and made reading the first parts very enjoyable. So far, you created a very plausible, deep character of which I haven't seen the likes on this forum yet.
"Opting not to look outside, he would glide sleepy-eyed down the long corridor of the first floor, under the surveillance of suits of armour on the sides. He would catch his own reflection in a gilt mirror, and would again be reminded that his pillow was an abysmal hairdresser. While he was there anyway, he might as well travel another two rooms to the left, to the bathroom, brush his teeth, and go to the loo. Beneath his feet would be a golden rug with a corner chewed away by a dog long-dead. After a twenty-minute shower, he would sort out his hair and, reaching the kitchen at last for some food, would be told by the cook that he’d missed breakfast by at least four hours. He would have to go with a growling stomach to Reldo, for the reading session in the library…"
I wasn't really that fond of the 'would'-structure here. I can understand why you've done it, and it stresses the repetition Ronny does in his head, but that's also how it felt to read: A repetition. The massive usage of 'would' makes this piece much less diverse than what you are undoubtly capable of, which I found a shame.
It continues in the same fair quality it has upheld from the beginning, although the later parts failed to grasp me as much as the beginning parts, which were a little bit more powerful.
20-Feb-2011 11:40:25
I found the archetype of Edward bland and unoriginal until I read the part about Edwards stance towards Ronny.(Post 8: Edward asked .. for guidance) However, I felt it split chapter one, completely obliterating the structure. It felt totally out of place. Turning away from Ronny for such a small bit of text pulled me away from Ronny's thought process, and it would be easier to sympathise with Ronny without knowing the true intentions of Edward. Ronny already feels kind of silly that way, and reflecting thoughts in retrospect for the characters is, I find, an excellent way to develop your characters further in the story.
The interaction is a delight to read though. Ronny already feels like the disgruntled younger sibling that always looks up to his brother. I cannot really say I can identify myself with him at the same level, since I'm the elder sibling here, but it felt realistic and I'm happy you are having a quite imperfect protagonist rather than the standard archetype you find around these forums staging an overly powerful, kind and handsome protagonist.
Ultimately, you've given me an enjoyable time spending my free time. I hope you can overcome the clichés that come with the character of Edward, but it looks very promising so far. Maybe I'll find out myself if I can find the time to read it further later.
~ Mippow
The interaction is a delight to read though. Ronny already feels like the disgruntled younger sibling that always looks up to his brother. I cannot really say I can identify myself with him at the same level, since I'm the elder sibling here, but it felt realistic and I'm happy you are having a quite imperfect protagonist rather than the standard archetype you find around these forums staging an overly powerful, kind and handsome protagonist.
Ultimately, you've given me an enjoyable time spending my free time. I hope you can overcome the clichés that come with the character of Edward, but it looks very promising so far. Maybe I'll find out myself if I can find the time to read it further later.
~ Mippow
20-Feb-2011 11:51:37
Hello, Mippow.
Honestly, I didn't expect to hear from you, and it was a delight you managed to recover from what must have been an academic blow. I'm glad you made it through though.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this, as I'm no doubt aware that you still have a great deal to catch up on and, to be honest, wasted a precious half an hour of your own life on my stuff -
.
You have raised some great points there. I too, noticed the 'would' issue in that paragraph and I did try to reduce its impact, but to a certain degree I felt myself unable to avoid it.
The first chapter actually didn't have a particular structure, and served as something from which I can build the story. But perhaps, one more chapter, and you'd change your idea about Edward
Once again, thank you so much.
Honestly, I didn't expect to hear from you, and it was a delight you managed to recover from what must have been an academic blow. I'm glad you made it through though.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this, as I'm no doubt aware that you still have a great deal to catch up on and, to be honest, wasted a precious half an hour of your own life on my stuff -
.
You have raised some great points there. I too, noticed the 'would' issue in that paragraph and I did try to reduce its impact, but to a certain degree I felt myself unable to avoid it.
The first chapter actually didn't have a particular structure, and served as something from which I can build the story. But perhaps, one more chapter, and you'd change your idea about Edward
Once again, thank you so much.
20-Feb-2011 21:57:25 - Last edited on 20-Feb-2011 22:03:39 by Englishkid62
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