Forums

I wouldn't recommend reading it, as it contained spoilers for those who haven't finished reading the story
...If you've read the whole discussion, then forget all about it before you read my story

15-Sep-2010 18:26:03

Well, I'm going to read this story, seeing as a majority of these posters said they liked it.This will be the first time I read one of your story EnglishKid,so I won't be able to compare this to Priceless as I haven't read it.
If this story is as good as people say then I read Priceless afterward. I'm thinking of a writing a chapter book for the runescape forum, if I get it to work and no life it for a month, it be posted next month , but I doubt that will happen.Anyways, time to get reading.
Edit: Bookmarked, got to Chapter 2. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

15-Sep-2010 22:39:01 - Last edited on 15-Sep-2010 22:51:02 by Legionnaire

Hey, thanks for the bookmark.
I'm really nervous now! I really hope I live up to that hype...
I really want to do my readers proud, but in the same time, I just hope that you wouldn't find this a waste of time
Thanks anyway

15-Sep-2010 23:06:38

16-Sep-2010 00:06:26

And...another one.
Seriously, why did no one tell me when they see these things? Do I smell or something?
"He was immediately shocked, disgusted by the scene"
has been changed to:
"He was shocked, immediately disgusted by the scene"
As the meaning of shock and immediately overlapped, it would be unwise to put them together. Immediately shocked weakens the action, as being shocked has already some kind of immediacy implied.
Agreed?

16-Sep-2010 01:45:20 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 01:53:47 by Englishkid62

I thought this story was quite good aside from a few parts that were written awkwardly. Maybe I'll point them out later when I'm not on my iPod. I think you did a great job crafting the characters, emotions, and moods. Good writing brings out emotion in readers, and that is what this story did for me, whether it was a little sympathy for Ronny in the beginning or disgust at eating the rat. Also I like how you say something with your writing, you go deeper certainly than many stories on this forum. Good work

16-Sep-2010 02:12:17

Please do! Thank you for posting. I hope you enjoyed it.
I hoped the 'shamelessly, mine' comment on the SD didn't let you down somehow
Are there any specific parts you liked/disliked and so on?
And, after stalking your profile for a bit, I gathered you used to review? Would love to hear a bit of in-depth analysis, as very few here gives me good quality feedback for improvement
Edit: I gotta go to bed now though.

16-Sep-2010 02:18:45 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 02:46:04 by Englishkid62

Sorry it took me a little while to reply. I really liked the ending, wasn't expecting Tyler to be dead. As for disliked, Ronny seemed to act a little young and immature for his age, some of his actions/thoughts just seemed like those of a younger kid such as completely ignoring his brother or having no interest in "physical intimacies." At 13 I'd think he'd be hitting pu<c>berty (why is that censored lol) and be quite interested in girls. I can't remember everything that made me feel that way, but sometimes I got the impression he was just a 10 or 11 year old brat, even though you'd already stated he was a teenager. He has been somewhat neglected and feels outcast though so I can see how he would be less mature. That's all the analysis I have for now it's a little slow typing on my iPod

16-Sep-2010 02:47:36 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 02:49:35 by Scoucher

Lol, I lied. I didn't go to bed
Thanks for the response.
Thirteen is a really weird age because it is on the boundary between a child and a teenager, so we have some children that are more mature than others. Ronny is a prince, albeit, a prince with no friends, and he liked to think himself as a deep individual who is different from everybody else. But certainly, growing up is about learning and it just happened that there were several lessons he had not yet learnt, and thus he did not realise the true extent of his ignorance. But of course, he pondered over the meaning of existence and wanted to find out deeper meanings in life, which is a somewhat more 'mature' behaviour than a 10 or 11 year old. Forgive me for making sweeping generalisation, but teenagers probably contemplate suicide more often than children...
As for the physical intimacies part, I personally did not find it interesting at thirteen But Ronny didn't say that he had 'no' interest in it. He just said he'd rather not thinking about it, particularly that his brother was involved. Who would like to picture their own brother at it?

16-Sep-2010 03:04:16 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 03:15:51 by Englishkid62

Alright I can dig it. But that only put me off a little when I was reading and besides that, the characters seemed pretty real to me.
edit:
Yeah the suicide thing was a more mature thing. That's part of the reason the less mature things stood out to me, it just seemed like it had switched somewhat in how far along in the adolescent stage he was.

16-Sep-2010 03:15:35 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 03:21:52 by Scoucher