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~~Brotherly Love~~

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Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Any improvements, suggestions, or other points to make? Or do I have to wait until you find a computer? :P
Edit: Maybe there weren't 'stages' as such, but that he's more 'advanced' in some areas than others? After all, we can't compare all adolescences and decide the order of stages they go through. I suppose everyone learn their lessons differently and at different times.

16-Sep-2010 03:18:45 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 03:38:00 by Englishkid62

Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry I don't have much else to add. If I decide to get back into reviewing, I can go back through the story and make some notes, and I'm sure I'd have some advice. But for now I'm still waiting too see if school will be too much work for me to want to spend time on here :P

16-Sep-2010 03:26:23 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 03:28:06 by Scoucher

Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Dang you're 5 hours ahead of me. And yes everyone is different but as I said before, some sections just made me feel like he was younger than he'd seemed in the opening posts. I wasn't looking for that, that's just the kind of vibe I got. It was just subtle things here and there, maybe just the way some things were worded. Of course that's my opinion, maybe others don't get that from the story. Just make sure he's consistent with who you want him to be :)

16-Sep-2010 03:44:58

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
But the thing is though, the older King Roald is writing the entire thing, and he seemed almost derisive and condescending (with good reason) to his younger self throughout the first three chapters.
E.g. "Even when depressed, so *very* depressed, to commit suicide required the kind of courage he knew he did not possess."
Probably, by the second or third chapter in, some readers realised that Ronny is far from depressed and is not suicidal. No suicidal thoughts or attempts whatsoever after the first paragraph. So in a sense you can argue it is fake maturity and he is using the claim that he is 'depressed' to get attention from his family, just like he tries to get attention from the readers at the start of the story.
It puts the older King Roald in a difficult position because he had to justify his own stupidity and he couldn't keep his guilt away from clouding the things he sees, and the way he portrays his younger self. So while his thinking may have been mature in some scenes, it's likely that he was condescending to himself in others, which gives the impression of him being less mature.
...If that is what you mean by the wording of certain things.
A few people liked Ronny as a character, but most of my readers, like you, hated him, and would much rather that he were less immature, so the entire story would never have happen in the first place :P
And yeah, I'm five hours ahead ^_^

16-Sep-2010 14:49:58 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 20:06:35 by Englishkid62

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Forum Moderator Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, English, here's my feedback that you've been waiting for:
I thought that this was by far one of your best work, and like Ruben, I thought way before I read it that it couldn't match what you had done with The Priceless, The Noob, or The Abomination of Men. I made this assumption not based on me questioning your talent coming back to the Story Forum, rather, the 3 were such great stories that I didn't believe that what you wrote now would be anything close to that. I was of course, proven wrong.
I'm usually a huge critic when it comes to beginnings. In movies, beginnings often set the tone for the rest of the movie. If the beginning doesn't seem intriguing to me, I usually get bored and don't feel motivation to keep reading. Contrary to the movies I've seen, your story instantly hooked me right in, which I wasn't expecting at all. You instantly threw me into this world of Varrock, and gave incredible personality to every character in the story. I love your description of Reldo, and thought you did a fantastic job overall with your character description.
I was beginning to think that this story might not have the same controversial topic that you normally write about, that is of course, until the scene in the basement of the castle. That instantly had me reading really fast to know what was happening next. You had a great feeling of suspense, and that led all up to the big moment: the ****** of the story. When the secret was let loose (I don't want to give too much away considering readers who haven't finished the story may stumble upon to my post), and the description given of the queen's desperation and the king's adamant attitude, I was really hooked in. The ending was great as well, and I was left clueless as to what would happen in the ending, a story I very much enjoyed.
Bottom line: it's a fantastic comeback English story, and is up to par if not beyond what you have written in the past.
Fantastic job; thanks for the read. :)

17-Sep-2010 00:39:46 - Last edited on 28-Sep-2010 23:51:18 by Cicobe1

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