Review of The Priceless by Englishkid62:
Spelling and Grammar/ Organization -- 15/25 -- I’m not going to lie. I have a big list full of mistakes, but they are mainly the same type and it’s just me being a broken record half the time. For you, it is mainly comma usages and tense errors. I hope you will look carefully at each of these, correct what is needed, and ask me any questions if you are confused. This will take up a fair amount of posts.
“RuneScape provided an ethereal, fantasy world in which no one would ever tell me what to do.”
To me, it sounds better if it’s an ethereal fantasy world instead of an ethereal, fantasy world. The fantasy world is ethereal, so a comma doesn’t seem necessary.
“I did not fancy Jenna, nor her beauty, only superficial as far as I was concerned, or her pair of supercilious lips. Always bragging, always talking, never stopping.”
This needs a bit of revising. The comma after, “Jenna,” doesn’t need to be there. Also, it feels fragmented and thrown all over the place. The best change I can come up with would be as such:
“I did not fancy Jenna or her superficial beauty. Her supercilious lips… always bragging, always talking, never stopping.”
“Drinking was our passion too. It was fun, it numbed the pain and consciousness.”
After, “fun,” there should be either a conjunction to connect the two complete phrases or use a semi-colon. I would suggest a conjunction such as and.
“Somehow, deep inside we all knew that.”
Comma after, “inside.” Thanks.
“I became a member that night, and I had never thought I would be convinced into paying for something as airy, as insubstantial as this.”
The end should be adjusted so the comma is replaced with the conjunction, “and.”
“…found myself imbedded in a huge block of ice, most of the time, after a flash of black robes…”
The commas don’t need to be there. Most of the time is not an interruption, but rather a part of the phrase.
08-May-2011 00:30:24
- Last edited on
08-May-2011 00:32:21
by
Venmi
