RuneScape Forum Archive | ~~The Priceless~~

Venmi

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“I managed not to win a single ticket, after an hour, or any form of reward…”
The comma after, “ticket,” does not need to be there. After an hour is part of the first phrase in the sentence.
“I never acquired the habit of arriving early, for anything, and that proved disadvantageous now.*
Once again, “for anything,” is part of the beginning phrase.
“However, the dropped items, which now some of the guests were holding in their hands, boasting proudly, were…”
This should look different, actually. Too many commas can cause confusion. It looks better like this:
“However, the dropped items—which now some of the guests were holding in their hands, boasting proudly—were…”
“…as though the building itself were a magical factory, where dreams were born.”
Okay, the comma after, “factory,” can go since, “where dreams were born,” is part of the phrase. And were in reference to building should be was. Your subject and predicate need to agree.
“There were beautiful mahogany furniture, huge water fountains in the garden, and gilded shrines, none of which I could afford.”
The comma after, “shrines,” can be replaced with a dash mark in order to distinguish that, “none of which I can afford,” is not part of the list you established at the beginning of the sentence.
“The first was those who inherited their wealth from a senior, more experienced player, like a legacy, when they left the game.”
“Like a legacy,” seems to interrupt the flow of the sentence, and it really isn’t necessary. One does not need to be a legacy in order to rich in RuneScape. I would simply remove it.
“‘I think he is a hacker, he drops twenty millions every week.’”
Two complete phrases should not be joined with a comma. A semi-colon is more appropriate.

08-May-2011 00:30:35 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:33:15 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“The gold twinkled in his hands as he converted, with a passion, a pile of bank notes into cold, hard, cash.”
“Cash,” is not part of the list. In fact, the bone being converted is said to be cold cash and hard cash. So there should be no comma after hard. The phrase is, “cold, hard cash.”
“I never liked the idea of a hood. In a hood, I discovered, I could see nothing but what was in front of me, only.”
“Only,” at the end of the sentence disturbs it, and it is extremely pointless. Removing it w
“I could only stare ahead, in one direction, oblivious to my surrounding, ignoring them at all costs.”
The comma after, “ahead,” can be removed since you’re breaking up a phrase. “Surrounding,” should be, “surroundings.”
“I ventured up to him and demanded the truth, about how he made his money, but he ignored me and continued to perform his magic, which, I felt, was rather rude for a host… …But soon my luck turned and he began to reply, monosyllabically.”
Holy comma happy, Batman. The comma after, “truth,” can be removed to complete the phrase. Also, the commas between, “I felt,” can also be removed. Also, the comma at the end of the last sentence can be removed as well.
“At first I thought he was returning to his silent self again, or deciding that I was annoying him, when I said his skill levels were higher than my idol and friend, David’s. I gave him David’s player name for reference, in case he wouldn’t believe me.”
Once again, there are too many commas. The one after, “him,” shouldn’t be there; it is the same with the comma after, “reference.”
“But when I finished my compliment he ceased his relentless performance of alchemy, and raised his head, making eye contact finally.”
The comma after, “alchemy,” doesn’t need to be there, but for once you are lacking a comma. There should be one after, “compliment.”

08-May-2011 00:30:36 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:33:40 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“From a distance his eyes seemed to glow. As soon as I showed incomprehension he looked upon me once more, the spark in his eyes vanished, and he became rigid and full of horror.”
Surprise, you are lacking commas again. A comma should be after, “distance,” and after, “incomprehension.”
“He was always busy, but he never forgot to say 'hi', through private messages, as soon as I was available to talk.”
Here you should quote like this: “…never forgot to say, *hi,* through private messages…” Oh, and the comma after messages doesn’t need to be there since it splits up the phrase. I feel a trend.
“and its naivety stripped the whole thing bare, as my understanding of the game grew.”
The comma doesn’t need to be there. Another splitting of phrases.
“Farming was a waste of time – despite my efforts and attempts in training this skill my crops always die in my absence.”
Comma after, “skill.”
“…pungent buckets of compost and filthy worms came to life and became vivid in my mind, when Farming was mentioned.”
Comma doesn’t need to be there.
“…forming large circles on the yard, on that harsh concrete, and playing silly games**
That break seems a little bit too harsh to be separated with commas. Dash marks feel more appropriate for a situation like this one.
“Some children preferred hanging around in a smaller group, seeking genuine soulmates and studied together in the library, consulting each other for academic knowledge, or advancement.”
Right here, you have some tense issues. “Studied,” should be, “studying,” because you need to keep the tenses the same. “Seeking,” and, “studied,” are two different tenses.

08-May-2011 00:30:37 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:35:01 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“He always had his hood up in school, hoping to be seen by nobody, despite his teachers repeatedly instructed him to remove it in lessons, which to his dismay only drew more attention from his classmates.”
This sentence doesn’t make sense structurally. “Instructed,” should be in the -ing tense. The -ed tense doesn’t fit well here. Also, commas should be between, “to his dismay,” due to it being a break in the phrase. It’s like the odd one out.
“It was by chance, that David caught Alex spying on him, and to Alex’s horror he looked up and threw a frown in his direction.”
The comma after, “chance,” shouldn’t be there because it interrupts a phrase. Also, there should be a comma between, “to Alex’s horror.”
“Alex had never been caught spying and at that moment he jumped, and retreated to the more shaded part of the classroom again, convinced that David was furious with him.”
“At lunchtime, Alex had given up watching other kids, and instead he played a pretty tune on a nylon guitar in a music practice room, on the ground floor.”
The comma after, “room,” is interrupting the phrase.
“The lights were off, however, and theoretically nobody would know, or even care where the beautiful music came from. When Kipplin played the guitar every note, every beat, and every bar was tinged with the bitterest of emotions – it was despairingly romantic.”
Alright, there should be a comma after, “care,” because, “or even care,” is a separate thought and needs to have commas between it. Also, a comma should be after, “guitar.” I can never explain this one. I only know because I’ve been told about it. I know that makes me a bad reviewer, but hey, I can’t help this one.
“His heart was still pounding loud, though his fear, at least for David, no longer existed, once he knew that David wasn’t there to hurt him.”
The comma after, “existed,” can be removed.
“But the words and their impact remained, for years to come.”
Same with the comma after, “remained.”

08-May-2011 00:30:38 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:35:34 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“These few words had banished the universe, the world of darkness in which Alex had known, forever.”
And the comma after, “known.”
“Then it all became clear to me that night. Kipplin loved David. Because David encouraged him when life was at its worst, and he showed Kipplin promises of acceptance and compassion that this world could bring.”
I don’t like the structure of the last two sentences. Starting a sentence with the word, “because,” never really sounds good, but I guess it works since the story is in a first person narrative.
“It was not clear when Kipplin finally found a purpose in life – to love David with all his heart.”
This sentence makes no sense. What do you mean by his purpose was not clear? Don’t you mean it was clear?
“When he was with David he was the happiest person on Earth.”
There should be a comma after, “David.”
“His eyes, sparkling with love and admiration had never left David since the day of his salvation.”
There should be a comma after, “love.”
“He wouldn’t have cared, if the game was played by no one but the two of them.”
That comma there is breaking the sentence.
“He wouldn’t have cared either, if everyone else in the world were dead, killed by a special virus of some sort...”
That comma after, “either,” also breaks the sentence and should be removed.
“David made his life bearable, and with David in it, the world, the game, was a better place.”
This has a few ways of being changed. You can say, “…with David in it, the world—the game—was a better place.” This would mean that you are referring to the world as the game. Or you can say, “…with David in it, the world and the game were better places.” This would be noting that the world and the game are two completely different things, and that David makes them both better places.

08-May-2011 00:30:39 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:36:05 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“He played, because David, at some point in his life, loved it.”
The comma after, “played,” should be removed.
“The hardship of training, for hours on end, mindlessly, was a test at the end of which David would judge and watch with scrutiny.”
Once again, the comma after, “training,” needs to be removed.
“He was completely convinced, with a conviction, almost as religious as those who persecuted him.”
“With a conviction,” is actually part of the phrase and not a separate thought. Nice description, though.
“Just one more word, from David, and that would have been a deliverance.”
“From David,” is part of the phrase. The commas shouldn’t be there.
“Then he figured out what it was, one day.”
This could be changed in two ways. “One day, he figured out what it was.” Or, “Then, one day, he figured out what it was.” Putting, “one day,” at the end like that preceded by a comma makes it an add on that disrupts the sentence.
“If he was an advanced player, experienced, rich, and have impressive skills to be admired, David would speak to him again.”
Two things. One, the list should be surrounded by dash marks because the sentence could simply be, “If he was an advanced player, David would speak to him again.” Also, there is a tense error. “Have,” should be in the past tense. It is currently in the present tense.
“If David would not grant him his love, because he was unworthy at the time, he would earn it with his own two hands.”
The comma after, “love,” should be removed. At this point, I don’t need to tell you why.
“He would do anything to have David, damn the others, damn everybody in his path.”
This is probably best to split into three separate sentences.
“He told me he had a huge row with his parents, one day, to get browser games ‘legalised’ in the household.”
One day is part of the phrase and not a separate thought. I think you know what you need to do here.

08-May-2011 00:30:40 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:37:12 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“And he was still intending to stay up tonight, just to meet his own target, his deadline for himself, before he was due to start again the next day, at four in the morning.”
The comma after, “day,” shouldn’t be there.
“Yes, there were moments when he needed quick cash and he took people to Falador, and scammed them, for which he had always felt guilty about and decided later that he should give away his things, to make amends, perhaps, to his victims.”
Ooh. This doesn’t look right. Split the sentence. Something like, “Yes, there were moments where he needed quick cash. He took people to Falador and scammed them, for which he had always felt about, and decided later that should give away his things to make amends, perhaps, to his victims.”
“No one cared about why he played the game, or host drop-parties.”
The comma doesn’t need to be there and, “host,” should be in the past tense.
“‘Why?’ he asked.
‘I needed to talk.’
‘We can talk here.’”
One of these things is not like the other. Not like the other. Okay, anyway, “needed,” is in the wrong tense.
“Then I left him in peace, I could trust David to turn up on time, and not to ruin the whole afternoon.”
That first comma should either be a period or a semicolon.
“I would come away, that afternoon, as a hero.”
That afternoon is part of the phrase.
“‘You just turn up to places, don’t you, Jen,’ David shrugged. ‘We managed to bump into each other outside the park, what a coincidence…’”
Isn’t that supposed to be a rhetorical question? Either way, a question mark should be at the end instead of a comma. And the second sentence should be split into two.
“Kipplin didn't specify where we were going to meet, but I had to give him a chance, give his investment a chance.”
The comma after, “chance,” should be a dash mark.

08-May-2011 00:30:41 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:37:35 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“I didn't want her to come. There was no plan 'B’ to counter God’s over-arching scheme, there was only improvisation – I had expected this to pull off.”
The comma after, “scheme,” should be a semicolon.
“Where would I be, sixty years from now, no love, because I was still waiting for it to find me, no job, because I was still waiting for a vacancy leaflet sent to my door, with a raw assumption that no matter what, these would come by eventually, and we’d never know until tomorrow.”
This should be split into a few sentences. Such as, “Where would I be sixty years from now? No love because I was still waiting for it find me, and no job because I was still waiting for a vacancy leaflet to be sent to my door with a raw assumption that no matter what, these would by eventually, and we’d never know until tomorrow.”
“‘Please, can we just sit here – I hurt my toe,’ Jenna claimed, preposterously. ‘I can’t walk today.’”
A question mark is missing here.
“David would promise her, but I knew he would forget, in five minutes’ time.”
The comma after, “forget,” is interrupting the sentence. Remove it.
” There was no investment, no genuine feelings or passion and it wasn’t the love I knew.”
There should be a comma after, “passion.”
“It was never meant to last. It was fun, and that was all it was, a joke.”
The comma after, “was,” should be a colon. “A joke,” is a statement referring to what the relationship between David and Jenna is.
“It was then that I realised he was watching everything, from behind that bush, all this time, and finally admitted defeat, his complete and utter defeat, to a happy couple…”
The comma after, “bush,” should be removed since, “all this time,” is part of the phrase.
*It was all meaningless now, the parties, the mansion, and the time he spent.”
The comma after, “now,* should be a colon.
That’s all of it. Take the time to look over it. Thanks.

08-May-2011 00:30:42 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:38:09 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Description/Vocabulary -- 27/30 -- This was an incredible read, English. The writing was crafted with a description so mesmerizing that it tears at one’s heart string, and makes the reader understand the truth behind love. The story wouldn’t work if the description of everything wasn’t so powerful.
“Then it all became clear to me that night. Kipplin loved David. Because David encouraged him when life was at its worst, and he showed Kipplin promises of acceptance and compassion that this world could bring. He remembered everything David has ever said to him, every word, and no one else’s, clinging onto them because they had a certain magical ring, therefore originated, he believed, from a sacred text. It was not clear when Kipplin finally found a purpose in life – to love David with all his heart. How else to express eternal gratitude? He knew that love alone was worth living for. To exist, just to love David, because David deserved it from the moment he walked into that room. When he was with David he was the happiest person on Earth. His eyes, sparkling with love and admiration had never left David since the day of his salvation. David was all he ever cared about.”
This entire paragraph almost made me cry. I am currently a “David.” Well… minus the part of him who is a complete jerk and doesn’t understand the concept of love. This is the paragraph that shows how good your writing is. A paragraph like this, one that can invoke emotions, is the most powerful kind of description.
There is one thing that bothered me, and it is a very minor detail. It was during the part where the narrator is in Kipplin’s house. The description is nice, but the demon butler doesn’t seem to be getting enough credit. You mention how nice everything in the house is, and the demon butler kind of seems like a patch of dirt. Yes, it’s there and it could help in some way, but it doesn’t get the significance it deserves. This feels the same way to me.

08-May-2011 00:30:43 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:38:30 by Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Plot/Conflict -- 61/65 -- This was one of the best stories I’ve ever read on the stories forum. It’s a story with a short, concise plot. However, it is also a story that takes the reader on an adventure that will change them forever. It makes the reader ask questions until the end, where everything is resolved in a nice bow. However, there is one thing in the plot that I could not figure out, and it bothered me quite a bit.
Did the narrator know Kipplin in real life before he told his story about David? Was it just a coincidence that David and the narrator went to college together? I feel like it isn’t entirely clear within the story. I think if it was more clear the relationship between the narrator and Kipplin outside of RuneScape—if there is one—then it would put the plot in a better direction.
Originality/Creativity -- 29/30 -- This is the most original story I have ever read. Most of the things I’ve read have something to do with violence or turning RuneScape into a real world instead of this fantasy game that we all play. This story is different. It keeps RuneScape a game, and the plot is based on the people who are behind the keyboard.
The other thing is that this is an emotional story. Everything else I have read did*’t touch me like this. The objective was not to be emotional or philosophical. It was to tell the story of an adventurer. This, however, is philosophical, and it really tugs at one’s emotions.

08-May-2011 00:30:58 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 00:39:01 by Venmi

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