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Kall Of The Karamthulhu.

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Zibo1

Zibo1

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I Like The Story :P
Here's A Bio If You Need One

Name: Casper
Age: 19
Appearence: Tall, and quite young.
Armour: Wears a set of navy clothes.
Weapons: A good strong rapier with a cutlass in his off-hand.
Personality: Easy-going, yet fierce on the battlefield. Loves a laugh.
History: Born in Rimmington, took captive by pirates at the age of 6, learnt to navigate and was rescued by the navy when he was 15. He served the navy and is an officer of the Catherby navy.
Occupation: Officer of Catherby Navy

btw, Keep on going with the story. Some things are hard to make out of but I love the smooth flow of it.


Karamthulus are cool
Zibo1

22-Nov-2009 12:27:02

Smok Taunter

Smok Taunter

Posts: 58,110 Emerald Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well I read the first page of the story. You're off to a pretty decent start there, but it doesn't really draw me in. It's pretty boring really. I'm also lost as to what they're doing. It sounds like they're going o hunt something but I'm not sure. Information on this could be noted in a short dialouge between Anastasia and Lowe, that is if niether of them or their friends know what they're going to do themselves.

There were also a few times when the grammar was off. such as using "was" where "were" could've worked. You also should spell out numbers as opposed to writing out them out as "42" and such; I don't recall reading a book where they didn't write the number out (I've also recieved comments for not doing it myself).

There was also a rather awkwardly used expression. the phrase: "his eyes were as big as boulders" makes me think more of fear, but you used it in an angry of surprised way. Perhaps changing or writing up a new phrase to replace that better reflects anger would be better suited.

22-Nov-2009 21:06:37

Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Posts: 18,957 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You read the entire front page? If so, on the very last story post, I did explain where they were going.

I heard it was alright to not spell out numbers, so long as they were above ten, but I guess I'll start writing them out, and possibly go through and edit that problem.

I think you misread that part of the story somehow, as it was Caden who was surpirsed/shocked, it wasn't his brother.

Thanks for the feedback.

I may use that bio, and I will continue. :D Just had some minor computer problems, which have been resolved. Good question, it's hard to know for certain, what rules over such odd creatures.

24-Nov-2009 01:57:14

Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Posts: 18,957 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You might've missed it while hastily reading, or something. I suppose it would've been better to describe the anger, and surprise, instead of just or the other.

Anyway, I had some more problems with my computer, but everything is fixed now, so expect updates very shortly.

24-Nov-2009 08:28:48

Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Posts: 18,957 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
As everyone attempted to find ways to entertain themselves for the last few hours of the trip, Anastasia, Lowe, and Ko found themselves seated at a table, it was almost complete silence other than small talk, and the sipping from their drinks. Ko looked over several of his knife fighting scars, each of them had a story to tell, the bigger the injury the bigger the story, as his life had shown him, and he couldn't help but to be curious of the story behind Lowe's missing eye, he decided to ask about it "So tell me, Lowe." he began in his odd accent "How did you earn that eyepatch?" Lowe looked momentarily shocked, before taking a drink from his mug of water and sighing.

"Well, it happened some, fifteen years ago, I was twenty..." he began.

"I was bored, life was boring, and there was nothing to do in Varrock at the time, and one day a childhood friend of mine showed up at my house, Tokur is his name, he just graduated from the academy of Chivalry, in other words, he was a knight of Varrock now, and wanted to test his skills before being stationed doing nothing inside the palace all day. we talked it over for a while, and decided to kill the Chaos Elemental, or at least try. we concluded that it'd be foolish for us to attempt this without some kind of medical personnel, incase we got our teeth kicked out by any of the dangerous beasts roaming the Wilderness."

"Wilderness?" Ko asked.

"Is massive waste land, filled with angry spirits and deadly beasts, the thing they set out to kill was a horrible mess of tentacle, magic, and other wordly horror." Anastasia informed him.

"So, I enlisted the help of my girlfriend..." Lowe seemed to choke up for a moment "She was a combat medic for the Khazardian military, she ran away from her homeland once the fighting between the Gnomish forces and Khazardian forces had escalated to a point where it was simply too much to handle. She moved to Varrock, where she met me, and we quickly became close to one another."

25-Nov-2009 05:05:16 - Last edited on 26-Feb-2010 19:47:06 by Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Posts: 18,957 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Anastasia had not heard this story before, and she wasn't sure if she liked how it was going.


"She agreed to go with us, it was a boring trip for the first few days of hiking. We soon started running into ghosts, demons, spiders, and everything else in the book. Tokur was bitten in his sleep, and was poisoned, luckily Crisalein had the right stuff with her to fix him up all nice and new. We eventually managed to fight our way past rogues, bounty hunters, huge demons, and even roaming dragons till we saw the Chaos Elemental in the distance." he was getting more choked up now, taking longer to talk and mostly speaking with his head bowed down. "We hastily made a plan, Crisalein was to stay away from the beast, and Tokur was going to try keeping the creatures attention locked on him, since he wore the finely crafted armor of the Varrock Knights, and I was only in leather."

"We charged full speed and I was instantly blasted with a bolt of magical energy, it knocked me off my feet and I bit the dust. Tokur continued sprinting, deflecting a spine it launched from one of it's tentacles with his shield, and slashing into it's 'body' with his finely crafted longsword. I stood and launched arrows from my bow, it seemed rage filled as the pain engulfed its body.

We thought we were fighting well, until the creature unleashed its rage against us, Tokur was slung away with a fierce blow from a tentacle, one of it's spines struck my eye, and it's nothing more than a miracle that It didn't cause more damage than leaving me partly blind. I blacked out by this point..." he paused for several minutes a single tear dropped onto the table. "By the time I regained coconscious, my head ached horribly, and I realized instantly I was wearing an eyepatch, I didn't want to believe that eye was gone, but I already knew it was. Tokur was dragging me on a blanket through the hellish landscape, and I asked him where Crisalein was, since she was surely the one who attended to me, medically."

25-Nov-2009 05:06:40

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