forums.rs

Forums

The Heart of Darkness

Quick find code: 49-50-730-64090394

of 7
Dredigan

Dredigan

Posts: 1,549 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I know. I made all the reserves and what not *ut I spent 7 hours yesterday reviewing for my exams and then I didn't go to school to take them... But now I'm on thanksgiving break so I'll get to writing. I hope you'll read it when I've got some written down!

16-Nov-2012 15:02:58

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, it's good to see this rewrite underway. Looks good so far, too.

""The food is quite breathtaking, Your **oks deserve a reward for such grace in their meal." Guyard said, wiping a bit of grease off the side of his mouth with a linen cloth.""
Hm, linen is an expensive material, even in today's world (sort of), though this does add to the effectiveness of the lavishness of the feast.

There were a few lines that were good to read, too, such as "screaming hinges," or when Valtir salutes even though he no reason to do so, thoughts of characters and their sudden change of allegiance, and so on. Combat was kinda brief though, but I understand that this is just the first two chapters, so there can be exceptions.

05-Dec-2012 06:08:48 - Last edited on 22-Feb-2013 05:16:00 by Azigarath

Dredigan

Dredigan

Posts: 1,549 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks, I was hoping you'd get around to reading this. I honestly planned to leave this story in the past but ever since I stopped I couldn't think of anything. All my other stories, Joseph Statton, From the Ashes of a Dead World, and even my short stories all ended up with blank endings and my mind always diverted back to this. So I'll just go ahead and do it the justice I could not do in my earliest days of writing. Thanks for checking it out.

05-Dec-2012 22:02:16

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“...hill below the castle was too steep to look down without actually leaving the walls.”
Couldn’t he just lean over the walls? Sometimes, parapets would have an extension, basically a horizontal platform going outward from the walls, though to build such a thing beside a cliff wouldn’t be easy.

“As the two men moved through the opening they saw citizens and Silmi soldiers lined up against walls, crossbow quarrels lodged in their chests, heads and necks.*
Executions did not use ranged means, people and prisoners of war were simply cut down.

“his food, bow, quiver, and sword were all hung around the horse's rear end.”
Equipment was slung at the back and sides of the saddle, though the above works too.

I feel you could have expanded the scene for the first pass for the scouts. Not saying you have to, but it’d would have been a good read.

Your knights get scared easily, even sprinting people scare them. When Guyard arrives there isn’t much description about the battle, it was something I was waiting for.

Anyways, I finished reading up to page 4 from chapter two. Storytelling is good but action is a bit brief, and a big guy ripping a man in half seemingly in a matter of seconds is a bit off but oh well. I’m not sure if I already did this, but I’ll give you a few links that may help in some expansion. Of course none of these are real people killing each other, but they offer a semi-realistic “idea” that may help in the combat scenes. Just copy paste the title into the YouTube command line, I hope this helps.

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=jAAFczOyLVo&feature=related
Military Designs from Talhoffer's Medieval Combat Manual

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=mCL8ONmOKBw
Battle of Nations 2012 02-05-12 21 21 1 fight Poland-USA

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=1zGjex6qDtM
Vyborg castle medieval mass *****

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=G4k-vjdeZO4&feature=related
SwArta Harnischfechten

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=lvkPLvoH1vI&feature=related
Twirch Ringen (Updated)

08-Mar-2013 19:58:19 - Last edited on 08-Mar-2013 19:58:48 by Azigarath

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Knark!

I'm Poller5, and I've been part of the Story Forum community since 2007. Now, you may have noticed that that community is rather dead these days -- and you'd not be wrong. With that in mind, I've re-opened The Amethyst Library, a writing guild from the very dawn of this forum of which I'm the current guildmaster and curator. The QFC is 49-50-80-60871629, or you should be able to find it on the first page, as I try to keep it bumped.

If you like what you see there, applying is dead easy (though please do read the whole first page), and means that firstly, I'll read your story, review it, and give you a rank within the guild. After that, you'll be a full, card-carrying member, and can ask myself or any of the other members for anything writing related, be it plot advice, character consultation, or just to check out the latest addition to your story.

I very much hope to see you there soon :) .

09-Mar-2013 10:17:06

Dredigan

Dredigan

Posts: 1,549 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks to you both for commenting. Azigarath I'm not going to sit here and explain every mistake I made to try and justify it because it kind of bothers me when people do that to reviewers. However the one thing I have to point out is that when I said it would be difficult to *** without leaving the walls is when he was saying that standing under the walls would have shielded them from the rain but they would have had to exit the walls to look down the hill so it would be redundant. You're right about everything else though and as for the battle scene I never finished writing it. I stopped to take a "break" for a day or so but I never actually came back.

I didn't explain what happened with the knights well enough either, you're right that it looked like they got scared just by people sprinting but the thing is that they are in lands most of them have never been to and have no idea where this army may have come from, they can tell they are running faster than normal and are quite large but still it was flawed writing on my part.

Thanks for the read, hope you'll check out the revisions I make.

10-Mar-2013 03:39:14 - Last edited on 10-Mar-2013 03:55:34 by Dredigan

Quick find code: 49-50-730-64090394 Back to Top