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Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi there. A very good story over all. You described your scenes and characters very well, and the suspense and plot was really well set up. A very intriguing story you have there, and I have not regretted reading it. As I'm invited to read this story by you personally, I believe I am permitted to give you some proofreading notes that I hope you'd enjoy:
“His opponent must have been one hell of an archer to do that to solid runite platebody.”
~Consider adding 'a' before solid runite platebody
"Green, a pasty, sickly green was anointing the tip of the..."
~Consider either, using 'A Green, pasty...' or if you inisist on using Green twice and putting Green first, Try use a dash instead of a comma after the first 'Green'. Anyway, it does seem strange you used the term green twice. Try some variations?
"Their eyes turned red. Their bodies warped, the skin twisting and fusing until they no longer resembled humans, they looked as a piece of raw meat would if it had been twisted into a horrific knot, except for the eyes. Their eyes glowed red, red like a hate so deep its bottom was unfathomable and nonexistent."
~Very good description here, but I couldn't help to notice you sort of mentioned their eyes were 'red' - twice. Consider changing the terms around a bit. We don't really need to be told twice unless it is to emphasize certain things, but the eyes are red maybe isn't the best emphasis you could make here.
~You could also do with a bit more variety in your punctuations, particualrly in descriptions, try to link up your ideas and descriptions with dashes, semi-colons and colons. It helps the text to flow, instead of mostly commas and full stops, which makes them 'pointy', or 'bullet-point-like' (was an exaggeration but you get the idea ^_^ .
"His expression revealed no emotion whatsoever"
~You can improve this description - E.g. His expression seemed to conceal all possible human empathy.

26-Nov-2008 22:20:52 - Last edited on 25-Feb-2009 00:40:12 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"as a matter of fact, longer then Adam was tall."
~It should be 'than' instead of 'then here. 'Than' is used to compare two things while 'Then' is used to sequence two events, one after the other.
"realizing that the other two were done talking he spoke"
~Consider adding a comma after 'talking'.
“You know what you are making it really hard to not want to kill you,”
~Consider adding a comma after 'what'.
"No matter. The prophecy will not be realized."
~I had a feeling that comma or semi colon might work better than a full stop here.
“Hello young lady,”
~Consider a comma after 'Hello'
That's all from me right now. You have a lot of potential and it is clear that you can conjure perfect mental images of your story, and your text carried it through. Your description skills are fantastic. If you want to go a step further in your writing (as I'm sure you, and I do too) I'd suggest you to do some more proof-reading, eliminate double descriptions, vary your punctuations a little bit more.
It is also worth a try: since you're very good at describing things you might want to add images and effects. Instead of just giving a load of objects 3 lines descriptions, try make a theme, a meaningful theme that ties in to the story content. Try and use descriptions that are symbollic, and use metaphorical images. If you are able, you might even want to try rhyming couplets in prose. Always describe things and learn to draw similarities and sometimes use paradoxical devices. Always ask yourself questions about the story. Remember, every single part of the story is your chance to show off your talent and no descriptions should be lightly given away. Choose the best sounding words to you, words that flows best, words that are most powerful and symbollic. No description should really appear without a reason. If you can do that, (as I'm sure you are capable), your stories will go a very long way.
Best wishes.

26-Nov-2008 22:29:17 - Last edited on 25-Feb-2009 00:41:04 by Englishkid62

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
×Chapter 7×
×Liability×
The height of the mountains was astounding; they practically touched the sun in the sky. They were casting a very angular shadow over Adam, one that ran from east to west, getting wider as it went. The shadow was cast by a nearby extrusion of rock that was blocking the sun as it rose in the east. Shantay pass was just ahead. It was a thin opening that was carved into the towering mountains above and ran through the width of the rock, and then opening onto the vast Kharidian Desert beyond its stone gates.
Adam merrily walked up to Shantay to purchase a pass through the gates. The man smiled at him as he bought the cheap papyrus pass and proceeded towards the gate, whistling as he walked, happy to be on his way to find a friend.
He strolled over to the gate and was ready to go through when the guard stopped him in his tracks.
“Here take this,” Said the burly guard.
“What for?” Adam asked
“Hey, I’m just trying to do my job, it is just our policy,” Insisted the man.
“Fine, give it here,” Adam said.
In response he was handed a crumpled scrap of paper with a long document written on it in very small handwriting. The edges were frayed and mistreated and it looked like the guard had enough for anyone who might want to pass through the gate.
“What is it?” Adam asked, curious about the harmless looking piece of paper.
“It’s a liability wavier,” the guard said nonchalantly.
Adam looked closer at the piece of paper, straining to make out the words, he could only read a few sentences to himself, “By entering the desert you acknowledge that Shantay and his associates are not responsible for any harm that befalls your person or property. The desert is a dangerous place and you may die…” Adam stopped reading and threw the pamphlet into the sand, and before he could be discouraged any further he walked up to the guard at the gate, handed him his Shantay pass, and quickly walked through.

28-Nov-2008 22:48:08 - Last edited on 30-Nov-2008 00:04:52 by NovelistElly

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
When Adam was far enough away to be sure nobody was paying attention he ran away from the pass, trying to escape the words of the wavier and praying for Rachel’s life.
×Chapter 8×
×Wrath of the Gods×
Sand. It has got to be the worst thing on Runescape; worse than zombies, worse than demons, worse than dragons. Adam spit as he thought about it, particles of sand and dust came out of his mouth to go with it. It was filling his shoes and rushing up his nose with each breath, as if the air itself was composed of sand. Every time he blinked there was more sand to replace whatever he got out. His mouth tasted like a dry rock would and he felt that his hearing was impaired by a plug of that accursed sand.
Adam was miserable; this was because, for miles around, there was almost nothing but cacti and sand. The sun came down with a vengeance, trying to smite Adam where he barely stood. There was a rock in the distance, Adam needed to sit, he had not rested for at least a half day and the sun was at its apex in the sky, making the heat all the worse. Adam felt like he was going to collapse and justified his misery with a swig of the last few drops in his waterskin.
“I hate sand,” Adam mumbled, reassuring himself that his enmity towards the coarse grains did not wane, regardless of severe dehydration.
The muscles in his legs were now straining to keep him up as he stumbled ever closer to the reprieve from his suffering, the rocky island in an ocean of sand. He jolted from side to side as his legs disputed every step he took towards the brown island. The heat was intense, the surrounding air shimmered and swirled around visibly in the heat and Adam could have sworn that the horizon was turning to liquid silver.

28-Nov-2008 22:49:10

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