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NovelistElly

NovelistElly

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×Chapter 6×
×A Leisurely Walk×
Surgeon General Tafini was still frozen in place when he left, she did not really try to stop him; she could not have if she tried, and she knew it. Adam walked away without resistance from the scorched rock walls of the one room hospital, his path following a silhouette of the dueling arena. Adam was dwarfed by the towering walls of the arena with their intricate carved arches, depicting ancient pictures of combat. The structure itself had supposedly been built ages ago, carved out of a massive plateau in the desert by a nomadic desert tribe which thrived on violence and contests of valor. Adam knew of the legends about it of course, but to him it was merely another structure and—as he rounded the corner to the western side of the arena—a place to hide himself from the glare of the unforgiving sun, which was still relatively low in the eastern sky.
The gate creaked open, defying his will to open it, the wood was baked by the heat and sun and the hinges were ready to crumble to a rusty powder. He continued on regardless of the scorn of the gate.
Adam was slowly walking through the marketplace of Al-Kharid, a normally bustling area of commerce which was quelled as it still bathed in the morning light. Some traders had shown up early but they were half asleep at their stalls and gave Adam no trouble as he went on his way. The buildings were composed of some kind of clay which seemed very ignorant of the sun and persisted in standing against nature. Curtains hung over the doorways of common houses and assorted shops, the curtains were specially designed to let heat out and air in. All residences here were adapted to the desert; else they would fall to pieces before blasts of sand, sweeping wind and harsh rays.

17-Nov-2008 00:54:15

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The palace loomed before him after a while of walking; it was flanked by an ornate stone fence and guarded by armed soldiers. An intricately carved fountain adorned the courtyard along with some decorative awnings which appeared to be made of expensive materials. Adam also glanced at some marble floors and satin rugs as he inconspicuously walked by. Adam entered the bank and merrily took extra water to refill his waterskin and tide him over for his journey in the desert.
He left the city behind, relishing his absence from it. There was no corner or crack in that city that was not filled with sand and he was becoming quite sick of seeing nothing but that; hopefully there would be friends, food and drinks waiting for him at the Seer*s Village Pub when, or if, he ever got back to his home. Hopefully there would be no sand there.

Rachel did not have sand on her mind as much as it was all around her. She only had eyes for the tent, the only visible scenery.
The canvas was an ugly muted green with horizontal beige stripes. Some poles were lashed into right triangles and mounted on a thick, circular, center beam to support the roof, while other poles were simply tied with twine to the bottom of the lower corners of each triangle to support the sides of the tent. Two of the outer poles had cloth tied to them to make an entrance into the hut. Then the piece of greatest interest, Rachel observed, her chair, the one that she was tied to in the middle of the room.
It was just a tent. How threatening could it possibly be? Well, Rachel was learning the answer; very.

17-Nov-2008 00:55:25 - Last edited on 19-Nov-2008 00:54:40 by NovelistElly

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A bulky man with an enlarged belly walked into the tent, his barrel chest of a body covered by a long, flowing silk robe. His face was covered in somehow intimidating stubble and the long red staff in his right hand was adorned with a symbol that looked like the horns of a demon.
He spoke in a gruff voice, “Hello young lady,” He covered his crime with courtesy, “we are glad to have you at our residence. We hope our ‘invitation’ was not too hard to deny. But, as you should know, if you wander in this land, you wander in our land. Now, we could let you go,” At this Rachel looked up to face his mouth, hoping to hear words that would favor her situation, “but, we would never want to send a guest out into the desert to die. Perhaps you could be more polite next time and bring a present when we allow you into our home.”
Rachel defiantly spat at the man and it landed on his silk slippers. The man was not amused, “We will do our best to make sure you stay alive in our care, but, just barely.” He grinned viciously and walked out of the room and was quickly accompanied by two of his body guards who had apparently been waiting outside; both guards were holding serrated scimitars. Two other guards walked in to watch over their new ‘guest’ each one bearing a small sharp dagger and armor made of some kind of tanned hide.
Rachel looked at the canvas of the tarp with dismay and thought about how she would never go to visit her mom’s house without a map ever again.

17-Nov-2008 00:56:15

The Level

The Level

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Hello, Level here. :)
Well, you have brought to my attention the fact that I have not commented on your thread, which of course I always MUST do, for fear that my authors feel unappreciated. That was sarcasm, if you must know.
Well, first off, I believe on this add you went slightly off the end of the deep end when you were describing the story. No offense, but it was a bit boring. We all know what the desert looks like, so maybe spend more time telling the story than describing it.
On a better note, you do have good describing talents, as we have seen in the past chapters. This chapter, however, is not the time. Also, regarding scene changes.
I believe you should make the scene changes slightly more smooth, though they were smooth enough in all the other chapters, this one ended relatively abruptly. A scene change, when used effectivly, can be a conquering force in a story. You have used them well in the previous chapter, but quite frankly, having a string of symbols to cut off his point of view is...well... a bad use.
I do not like the way a story looks when it uses scene changes like that. I love organization, I cannot lie. you have excellent organization, except for this. This is how I would make the scene change:
"Far away, Rachel..." You get it? It's smooth, it looks good, and it demonstrates organization. Nothing makes me more mad than an author wishing to end the phrase with an easy cut off like that, don't be lazy. :P
Still, on the other aspects of the story, I believe you should advance the storyline along a bit faster. As I said before, spend more time writing the story then describing it. Don't go too fast however, for a story like this, with an air of mystery and such, you want a medium speed.
Now, for some positive things. The story, as said, is very well described, and has great potential for a plot advancement. You have left yourself a wide berth for subplots, which make the story interesting. Good job! :D
Well, thanks.
-Level

19-Nov-2008 00:36:11 - Last edited on 19-Nov-2008 00:42:55 by The Level

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I put a double space in place of the fancy design, you were right, it seemed more attractive then the story.
Also, I wanted the story to be more descriptive at this part, to give a sense of lengthliness, if that is a word, I wanted it to be obvious that he had the time to look around, he was not really in a huge hurry.
The next chapter will have more action. And, of course, more desert.
Thank you for your criticism.

19-Nov-2008 01:00:06

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