You still manage to humble me...
'Tis to be expected anyways
'Tis to be expected anyways
21-Oct-2008 00:03:44
Forums
Sandstone
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491
'bout time
23-Oct-2008 23:55:13
Fork it over then.
24-Oct-2008 00:55:00
I did that...
On the first page.
On the first page.
24-Oct-2008 01:08:08 - Last edited on 24-Oct-2008 01:08:34 by NovelistElly
What are you talking about now readers! It JUST started. Patience is a virtue. It took three days for my story's first fan and now I have 22.
--
-Prologue-
> I really like the first paragraph, it played all my sinuses nicely, the dirt in the nostril, the heat, the sun, etc. You balanced the description very well, not giving much away about the characters, but giving enough that keeps you satisfied. I in the end slowly but the pieces together before it was direct that he was in the arena hospital.
>>Grammar was good, but you used ‘He’ waay too much to start sentences and throughout them. Find a synonym.
>’“Boy probably shouldn’t have looked,” He observed out loud.’
>> remember, the first word is ALWAYS lowercase after any quotation.
-Chapter One-
>“Wait. Stitches? Heat stroke? Am I in a hospital?” He thought to himself.
>> same as the last correction.
>’“Boy probably shouldn’t have looked,” he mused.’
>>You said the exact same thing at the ending of the Prolouge, except you said, “he observed out loud.” I suggest you get rid of either one
>’He then proceeded to quickly remove fragments of broken bone, specks of runite, splinters of wood, and other assorted materials that had collected in his draining incision from the arrow nearby and sewed that seamlessly shut.*
>>It was worded very oddly, and “sewed that seamlessly shut.” almost sounds like a tense change. Try “and sewed the wound seamlessly shut.”
>’He then used some of his medical magic to instantly heal the scars and then shut off his operating light, disinfected his tools, moved the three patients on the operating tables to the rock-hard hospital beds, and took off his blood and potion drenched clothing.’
>>Well worded sentence but “blood and potion” needs to be hyphenated, like, “blood-and-potion drenched clothing.”
--
-Prologue-
> I really like the first paragraph, it played all my sinuses nicely, the dirt in the nostril, the heat, the sun, etc. You balanced the description very well, not giving much away about the characters, but giving enough that keeps you satisfied. I in the end slowly but the pieces together before it was direct that he was in the arena hospital.
>>Grammar was good, but you used ‘He’ waay too much to start sentences and throughout them. Find a synonym.
>’“Boy probably shouldn’t have looked,” He observed out loud.’
>> remember, the first word is ALWAYS lowercase after any quotation.
-Chapter One-
>“Wait. Stitches? Heat stroke? Am I in a hospital?” He thought to himself.
>> same as the last correction.
>’“Boy probably shouldn’t have looked,” he mused.’
>>You said the exact same thing at the ending of the Prolouge, except you said, “he observed out loud.” I suggest you get rid of either one
>’He then proceeded to quickly remove fragments of broken bone, specks of runite, splinters of wood, and other assorted materials that had collected in his draining incision from the arrow nearby and sewed that seamlessly shut.*
>>It was worded very oddly, and “sewed that seamlessly shut.” almost sounds like a tense change. Try “and sewed the wound seamlessly shut.”
>’He then used some of his medical magic to instantly heal the scars and then shut off his operating light, disinfected his tools, moved the three patients on the operating tables to the rock-hard hospital beds, and took off his blood and potion drenched clothing.’
>>Well worded sentence but “blood and potion” needs to be hyphenated, like, “blood-and-potion drenched clothing.”
25-Oct-2008 04:58:14 - Last edited on 25-Oct-2008 05:05:54 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]
-Chapter Two-
Really no grammatical errors, very few typos. But you sentence structure was very identical the whole way through. “He did this,” “He saw that,” “Their bodies twisted,” “Their eyes glowed red,” etc, etc. You started our a lot of sentences that way.
For example:
‘He read the words and they widened his eyes, as they were all about him.’
Try to change it up a bit, keep the sentence structures consistently new.
‘Reading the words, his eyes widened as they were all about them.’
OR
‘They leapt toward him, and suddenly he was disembodied, his vision floating and he looked away as his body was consumed.’
‘The satanic beings leapt toward the him, and suddenly the man was disembodied, his vision floating and as he looked away his body was consumed.’
-Overall-
Good start so far. The flow is fast enough to keep the reader interested, but not slow enough to bore us. Your BIGGEST issues is honestly you use ‘He’ too much. I know you haven’t divulged his name much but used things like ‘the man’ or you can change it up by mixing up sentence structures and playing with commas to keep it fresh, which was also your weaker points.
Grammar was good, I was pretty impressed, even though your grammar is probably more advanced than mine. Your vocabulary was a little above average, I was able to understand all the adjectives, verbs, etc. Use an online thesaurus to really go the extra mile, while still keeping the mix easy enough on the eyes. My interest was hooked the first paragraph. Good job
Really no grammatical errors, very few typos. But you sentence structure was very identical the whole way through. “He did this,” “He saw that,” “Their bodies twisted,” “Their eyes glowed red,” etc, etc. You started our a lot of sentences that way.
For example:
‘He read the words and they widened his eyes, as they were all about him.’
Try to change it up a bit, keep the sentence structures consistently new.
‘Reading the words, his eyes widened as they were all about them.’
OR
‘They leapt toward him, and suddenly he was disembodied, his vision floating and he looked away as his body was consumed.’
‘The satanic beings leapt toward the him, and suddenly the man was disembodied, his vision floating and as he looked away his body was consumed.’
-Overall-
Good start so far. The flow is fast enough to keep the reader interested, but not slow enough to bore us. Your BIGGEST issues is honestly you use ‘He’ too much. I know you haven’t divulged his name much but used things like ‘the man’ or you can change it up by mixing up sentence structures and playing with commas to keep it fresh, which was also your weaker points.
Grammar was good, I was pretty impressed, even though your grammar is probably more advanced than mine. Your vocabulary was a little above average, I was able to understand all the adjectives, verbs, etc. Use an online thesaurus to really go the extra mile, while still keeping the mix easy enough on the eyes. My interest was hooked the first paragraph. Good job
25-Oct-2008 04:58:30
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491 Back to Top