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Sandstone
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491
>Both Adam and Rachel were dumbstruck, they turned to look at him more closely and it was true, he was unusually pale and wore no items of religious affiliation, the tattoos of runes on his neck appeared to be wards against silver and garlic, his teeth were subtly pointed and all the skin below his neck was covered by black clothing.
>>Hmm. Well. This certainly was a mouth full.
First off, the very first and second commas need to be semicolons, or the second comma could even be a colon, and then the third comma after ‘affiliation’ should be a period or semicolon. Last, either make the final comma after ‘garlic’ a semicolon, or put a comma after the word ‘pointed’. Basically, you could make any of the semicolons periods, or vice-versa. That was a huge sentence, and there are endless combinations.
>“I guess I’m just a city girl, born and raised in Falador, I was tending the garden when I was attacked by a really big mole, and I mean big, like the size of a full grown dog, I panicked and cast a spell on it by accident, I fainted just as I saw it running away. A few days later I left to start a life of adventure.”
>>Same problem as the first paragraph. You also misspelled ‘Faldor’. You just really have to know when to put semicolons/periods/commas. Correction, using multiple sentences instead of one: (do keep in mind you could use semicolons to make it a whole one; just replace the periods with semicolons and so on.)
“I guess I’m just a city girl, born and raised in Faldor. I was tending the garden when I was attacked by a really big mole, and I mean big, like the size of a full grown dog. I panicked and cast a spell on it by accident; I fainted just as I saw it running away. A few days later I left to start a life of adventure.”
>>Hmm. Well. This certainly was a mouth full.
First off, the very first and second commas need to be semicolons, or the second comma could even be a colon, and then the third comma after ‘affiliation’ should be a period or semicolon. Last, either make the final comma after ‘garlic’ a semicolon, or put a comma after the word ‘pointed’. Basically, you could make any of the semicolons periods, or vice-versa. That was a huge sentence, and there are endless combinations.
>“I guess I’m just a city girl, born and raised in Falador, I was tending the garden when I was attacked by a really big mole, and I mean big, like the size of a full grown dog, I panicked and cast a spell on it by accident, I fainted just as I saw it running away. A few days later I left to start a life of adventure.”
>>Same problem as the first paragraph. You also misspelled ‘Faldor’. You just really have to know when to put semicolons/periods/commas. Correction, using multiple sentences instead of one: (do keep in mind you could use semicolons to make it a whole one; just replace the periods with semicolons and so on.)
“I guess I’m just a city girl, born and raised in Faldor. I was tending the garden when I was attacked by a really big mole, and I mean big, like the size of a full grown dog. I panicked and cast a spell on it by accident; I fainted just as I saw it running away. A few days later I left to start a life of adventure.”
02-Nov-2008 19:40:49
>John spoke before Adam could, “I came to try and build up my resistance to sunlight, it is quite hard to be a bounty hunter when you cannot fight in both daylight and in darkness. I was just standing outside trying to adjust and I collapsed. Woke up in here, guess I pushed myself too hard.”
>> Second comma after ‘sunlight’ should be a ;/. And then capitalize *it’ if you’re using a period.
>“Well, I was challenged to a fight by a stranger with a raspy voice. He was wearing a red cloak with the symbol of Zamorak on it, he was holding a very small wooden bow, it couldn’t have been better then a yew bow.
>>Change the comma after ‘it’ to a period or semicolon, or keep it a comma and put ‘and’ after it (the comma.). Also, do the same or similar to the comma after ‘bow’.
>“well, it doesn’t seem that anything is wron—oh dear.”
>> ‘well’ should be capitalized.
>“No, I mean you have enough sedative from in you from the surgery to knock out a gorilla.”
>> Grammatically speaking, you should take out the first ‘from’ after ‘sedative’.
>Adam’s body had been ignoring his need to slip into unconsciousness for it was unaware of the dosage of sedating drugs that had been administered to him during the surgery, the signals in his brain picked up on this and Adam watched helplessly as the edges of his vision went black.
>>Change the comma after ‘surgery’ into a semicolon/period, or put an ‘and’ after it like the previous corrections.
-Overall-
A little confusing at first. There’s Adam and Rachel and John and at first the reader doesn’t understand what they’re discussing. I found it weird to have everyone passing out random bits of information. I still don’t get who the ‘he’ was in the first paragraph of the initial post. Was it John?
. Your main problem was using ./,/; correctly. Just remember, commas are like pauses, and semicolons are used to join pieces that could be sentences entirely by themselves.
>> Second comma after ‘sunlight’ should be a ;/. And then capitalize *it’ if you’re using a period.
>“Well, I was challenged to a fight by a stranger with a raspy voice. He was wearing a red cloak with the symbol of Zamorak on it, he was holding a very small wooden bow, it couldn’t have been better then a yew bow.
>>Change the comma after ‘it’ to a period or semicolon, or keep it a comma and put ‘and’ after it (the comma.). Also, do the same or similar to the comma after ‘bow’.
>“well, it doesn’t seem that anything is wron—oh dear.”
>> ‘well’ should be capitalized.
>“No, I mean you have enough sedative from in you from the surgery to knock out a gorilla.”
>> Grammatically speaking, you should take out the first ‘from’ after ‘sedative’.
>Adam’s body had been ignoring his need to slip into unconsciousness for it was unaware of the dosage of sedating drugs that had been administered to him during the surgery, the signals in his brain picked up on this and Adam watched helplessly as the edges of his vision went black.
>>Change the comma after ‘surgery’ into a semicolon/period, or put an ‘and’ after it like the previous corrections.
-Overall-
A little confusing at first. There’s Adam and Rachel and John and at first the reader doesn’t understand what they’re discussing. I found it weird to have everyone passing out random bits of information. I still don’t get who the ‘he’ was in the first paragraph of the initial post. Was it John?
. Your main problem was using ./,/; correctly. Just remember, commas are like pauses, and semicolons are used to join pieces that could be sentences entirely by themselves.
02-Nov-2008 19:40:58
02-Nov-2008 20:15:27
Pretty good, Elly. I love the plot, so far. You just need to work on your punctuation, and this would stack up as one of the best starts of a story I've ever read.
02-Nov-2008 20:19:00
*Does victory dance*
Woot!
Thanks you guys. Compliments make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside...or maybe that's the Ramen Noodles I just ate...
Elly
Woot!
Thanks you guys. Compliments make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside...or maybe that's the Ramen Noodles I just ate...
Elly
02-Nov-2008 20:29:10
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