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NovelistElly

NovelistElly

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The rock seemed to pulsate as he got closer to it, the air visibly flowed around it like an obstruction in a fast flowing river. Just thinking of water made his mouth go dry. Adam was very weak and he knew it, he stumbled on the sand and landed on the little brown island, he felt his head split open as it made contact with the rock. He deceived himself; it was not a rock.
A dead camel was lying beneath his collapsed body, the fur and flesh had cushioned the fall. Adam thanked the gods for his discovery as he looked down to see a pouch of supplies strapped near the underside of the dead beast. He was too busy un-strapping the bag to look at the fatal cut that had felled the camel, or the tracks upon bloody tracks leading toward and away from it. Adam pulled out a waterskin, knife, and a kebab from the pack and by sheer force of will stood up and trudged on through the desert.

Rachel was furious—or she would have been if she wasn’t blacking out every other minute. She was still tied to that same chair in that same tent and it had somehow gotten hotter. They had fed her once the whole day and given her only a single vial of water; she drank it almost immediately; she had regretted that. She was dehydrated and starving at the same time, it felt to her that it was a fate worse than death.
That same man walked in again and clapped Rachel’s vigilant bodyguards on the back. He commended them for being so steadfast and halting each and every one of her numerous escape attempts. She had almost managed to file through her ropes, and they retied them; she had toppled the chair over and tried to roll out of the tent along with it, but to no avail, they had simply weighted her down and left her lying sideways on the ground; she had used her magic to distract them with a hurricane force wind, then tried to run, but they had caught her first.

28-Nov-2008 22:49:58 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2008 21:10:13 by NovelistElly

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

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The man’s name was Al-Radzur, he was a devout Zamorakian and was a vile, despicable, soulless tyrant. He hoarded gold and food for him and his men and got fat off of the merchants and supply trains that passed through the desert to other cities—until he ambushed them when they entered “his territory”. He was a sad excuse for a man and his empathy for others seemed non-existent. He walked up to her and mocked her situation, “I hope you have been enjoying your stay, you got the best room we had available; it is the one we let stray dogs stay in.”
Rachel could barely comprehend his words but just enough so that they ignited a spark of rage in her, she broke the ropes. Al-Radzur jumped back frightened and began to mouth words of retaliation to his guards, but Rachel was faster. Rachel had long ago escaped the need for elemental runes in her spells, she could draw upon any forces present, and the obvious force here was fire. She took a blood rune out of her pocket and watched as it vaporized when she reached out to it with her mind, fueling her attack.
A massive fireball flew at Al-Radzur, and if it had hit him she was sure it would have engulfed his body entirely. One of his guards blocked it though, diving in front of the blast like a fool; he was torched to cinders, his skin tightened and blackened as everything else burned away. In the end all that was left was a taught coating of wrinkled skin over a bony structure. Smoke poured from the man’s mouth and nostrils as he was burned alive, and then the stagnant husk collapsed to the ground, utterly dead.

28-Nov-2008 22:50:41 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2008 21:13:21 by NovelistElly

NovelistElly

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Rachel was tackled where she stood by three guards and was tied up again, to her displeasure. Al-Radzur kicked aside the corpse of his loyal guard and walked up to her, peering at her with immense hate in his beady little eyes.

“You, girl, are going to remain tied up here and you will never escape so long as I breathe. I will make you suffer and then perish,” He turned to his guards, “Well!? What are you dimwits waiting for!? Throw this corpse into the sea, and tie her up very tightly,” he glared once more at Rachel before leaving the tent again, “it seems as if she is plenty satisfied at the moment so we shall save her food and water for later.”
Rachel knew he had done it just to spite her, and she hated him for it, but she could not even move, much less do something about it.

Adam was standing in battle-ready stance, his dagger held defensively close to his chest, protecting his heart, adrenaline was coursing through his veins and he was preparing for a fight. They had completely encircled him as he strode. He cursed himself for looking down at his feet and not being attentive enough while he walked. The biggest man in the group came forward, a deadly scimitar at the ready, and spoke with an oddly official voice, “You are trespassing on the land of the Zamorak Bandits, your sentence is imprisonment and eventually, death.”
Adam swallowed dry air as he wavered from side to side as he struggled to stand in his weakened condition. Couldn’t something go his way?

28-Nov-2008 22:51:44 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2008 21:15:39 by NovelistElly

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Hi there. Nice adds, Elly, as always you describes your scenes very well. You described the sandy environments very well too, I also liked the repetition of 'sand' which makes it seem like sand was everywhere. This effect is good.
Just some proof-reading notes for you, since its 1 am for me, I can't promise to spot everything.
"Adam was miserable;"
~I don't think semi colon here is the best, because the next sentance is telling more about why he was miserable, in this case you want either a dash or a colon.
"Adam was very weak and he knew it he stumbled on the sand and landed on the little brown island, he felt his head split open as it made contact with the rock. He deceived himself; it was not a rock."
~A mised punctuation here before the first comma.
"He was a sad excuse for a man and his empathy for others seemed so small it should not exist at all."
~I'm not sure whether the word 'should' fits best here. Consider 'could' or simply change the phrase to non-existence.
"completely dead."
~How many kinds of 'dead' are there? Pretending to be dead, half dead, and completely dead? Maybe not. I would rather describe it as baked, crisp and still. It describes the scene a bit more instead of telling the reader HE IS COMPLETELY DEAD!!!
"and tied up again"
~I think here you meant 'and was tied up again', just to clarify Rachel was tied up and not tieing someone up.
"you will never escape"
~He doesn't know whether she will escape or not, and I bet she will, so I would recommend using 'must' instead of will, to make this like a rule.
Pretty good work, so far, I may be the first reader in your new adds but who knows =p

29-Nov-2008 01:06:57

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
English, I had that title ;) . I read the story but was too lazy to post anything. Now I'm better!
The story was very good overall, and the storyline is starting to build up.
I feel the excitement and thrill coming on in the story, something big is about to happen.
Your descriptive language proves to prevail, but sometimes I do thing you over-do it a bit.
The plethora of detail can be a good thing, and I like how you describe things more and more depending on how much time the character has.
For example, if the character was in a haste, you wouldn't go into too much detail trying to describe the scene.
However, a few chapters ago, Adam had time, and was able to stop off and observe the majestic scenery shall I say.
English has taken away all my grammatical corrections, so there isn't much to say on that. Your grammar and spelling are very good and fluent and should not need any major change, with a little bit here and there.
The storyline is continuing to change, and I like how you throw in the descriptive detail of the sand.
Adding in a bit of humor can sometimes be critical for a story. It can be quite mundane reading a plain, monotonous story. Adding voice and character into the story incorporates much more, and keeps the reader active. The humor put in that corresponds with Runescape when Adam struggles to read the small print on the waiver to get into the dungeon was very realistic and quite funny indeed!
I enjoy reading the story, and I am aware that you are in need of some readers.
On my story, I made a list of some stories that I enjoyed and read recently.
Guess what? You're on there. Perhaps if a lot of people read my story and stumble upon that, people may be interested in reading your story, so out of my liberty, I hope that I can improve your situation.
Continue the fluency of your writing, and I will be happy to read any thrilling additions to your story.
Happy future writing!
~Cicobe1's review

29-Nov-2008 01:45:18 - Last edited on 29-Nov-2008 01:46:17 by Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The title of course for being the first to read the new addition!
P.S. We make a good tag-team don't we? Your corrections and my review? Did you ever notice that on some stories we usually flow back to back?
P.S.S. I am going to start "The Abomination of Men," and I might take some of your ideas into consideration for my story. I'll elaborate on an upcoming comment on your story.

29-Nov-2008 01:57:45

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