Forums
Well Told Tales
Quick find code: 49-50-636-60690976
I have a long list of possibilities for competitions:
Destruction
teleportation gone wrong
cursed
the evil of money
pickpocketing
the sun
what is that?
the corpse
ScapeRune
dogs
I hope those suggestions will suffice
oh btw, I aprrove of another contest (which I may take part in)
Destruction
teleportation gone wrong
cursed
the evil of money
pickpocketing
the sun
what is that?
the corpse
ScapeRune
dogs
I hope those suggestions will suffice
oh btw, I aprrove of another contest (which I may take part in)
22-May-2010 15:21:00 - Last edited on 22-May-2010 15:21:22 by Mainiac97
Ik oClock,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Never was there a moment where I felt uninterested or disappointed.
I feel the only things to point out to you are the grammatical issues. They didn't detract from the story at all for me, but would make my inner editor happy.
"It was a raining, but the man did not walk under the trees where he should stay dry."
The "a" is unnecessary. "It was raining,..."
I think that "would" works better than "should", but that's just my opinion.
"Yet, why did he walk in the rain, and not under the trees?"
This seems a bit too broken up by all the commas. I think it might be better as "But why did he walk in the rain, and not under the trees?"
"Suddenly the man knew why rain always seemed to fall on bad days."
This sentence is in need of that comma taken out of the one above. "Suddenly, the man knew why rain always seemed to fall on bad days".
"It explained all."
This should be "That explained it".
"The man had cried today, yes. It added up."
The structure of these sentences is a bit awkward. Try changing it to something like "The man had cried today. Yes, it added up." or maybe even "The man had cried today. Yes. It added up."
"Would be nice to know."
This is a bit ambiguous. "It would be nice to know." or "That would be nice to know." I think work better. Something to consider, is all.
"But the man had scored A's in physics, so he knew clouds did not cry."
What does A's in physics have to do with knowing clouds don't cry rain? I think that, as people grow up, they just learn that's general knowledge. If you need an A in physics to know that, I think there are more people out there thinking clouds cry than there ought to be.
I think you just need to say "But the man had gone to school long enough to know clouds did not cry."
A similar thing with "He could always study meteorology, the study of weather." Instead of saying what he should study and then define it, why not just say "He could always study weather"
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Never was there a moment where I felt uninterested or disappointed.
I feel the only things to point out to you are the grammatical issues. They didn't detract from the story at all for me, but would make my inner editor happy.
"It was a raining, but the man did not walk under the trees where he should stay dry."
The "a" is unnecessary. "It was raining,..."
I think that "would" works better than "should", but that's just my opinion.
"Yet, why did he walk in the rain, and not under the trees?"
This seems a bit too broken up by all the commas. I think it might be better as "But why did he walk in the rain, and not under the trees?"
"Suddenly the man knew why rain always seemed to fall on bad days."
This sentence is in need of that comma taken out of the one above. "Suddenly, the man knew why rain always seemed to fall on bad days".
"It explained all."
This should be "That explained it".
"The man had cried today, yes. It added up."
The structure of these sentences is a bit awkward. Try changing it to something like "The man had cried today. Yes, it added up." or maybe even "The man had cried today. Yes. It added up."
"Would be nice to know."
This is a bit ambiguous. "It would be nice to know." or "That would be nice to know." I think work better. Something to consider, is all.
"But the man had scored A's in physics, so he knew clouds did not cry."
What does A's in physics have to do with knowing clouds don't cry rain? I think that, as people grow up, they just learn that's general knowledge. If you need an A in physics to know that, I think there are more people out there thinking clouds cry than there ought to be.
I think you just need to say "But the man had gone to school long enough to know clouds did not cry."
A similar thing with "He could always study meteorology, the study of weather." Instead of saying what he should study and then define it, why not just say "He could always study weather"
22-May-2010 18:00:42 - Last edited on 22-May-2010 18:33:14 by Aidyn Levet
And lastly,
"Walking in the rain. Almost better then singing."
The "then" should definitely be a "than". The reason? Than makes a comparison while then describes a time. "I'll see you then." and "I'd rather have pickerel than trout." are good examples. Here, I believe you are saying that walking in the rain is almost better than singing. You could leave it as two separate sentences, or combine them. "Walking in the rain, almost better than singing." or "Walking in the rain almost felt better than singing."
Keep writing awesome stories like this!
Crocefisso,
To be bluntly honest, I'm dreading reading your story just due to its massive size, but I will attempt it after I have lunch.
"Walking in the rain. Almost better then singing."
The "then" should definitely be a "than". The reason? Than makes a comparison while then describes a time. "I'll see you then." and "I'd rather have pickerel than trout." are good examples. Here, I believe you are saying that walking in the rain is almost better than singing. You could leave it as two separate sentences, or combine them. "Walking in the rain, almost better than singing." or "Walking in the rain almost felt better than singing."
Keep writing awesome stories like this!
Crocefisso,
To be bluntly honest, I'm dreading reading your story just due to its massive size, but I will attempt it after I have lunch.
22-May-2010 18:27:50 - Last edited on 22-May-2010 18:29:33 by Aidyn Levet
I find this thread to be very interesting.
22-May-2010 19:16:35
Quick find code: 49-50-636-60690976 Back to Top